So, sometimes when I am looking for something blog and I know I have to not only be up in about 7 hours for work, meaning I'll need to be in bed in an hour or so... and so tonight, I found this little gem. Well, to me its a gem, to you it might just be something to skim on your daily check of Clouds in My Coffee
...which I've noticed I'm getting alot of traffic daily, probably due to The Summer of Blogging--so... thank you so much...
...anyway, its the lyrics to a version of "Everyone's Free to Wear Sunscreen", done by Baz Luhrmann from 1999.
It originated in 1997, when Mary Schmich of the Chicago Tribune wrote a column entitled "Advice, Like Youth, Probably Just Wasted on the Young". She described it as "a commencement speech, were I asked to give one". Over the years, it has been erroneously attributed to Kurt Vonnegat, though it became truly famous when, in 1999, Australian film director Baz Luhrmann used the entire essay in a spoken word song entitled "Wear Sunscreen".
And by 2000, this song was everywhere. So, on January 9th, 2001, I did my own version. And I thought I'd give it to you...
"HAVE A QUIET TIME (EVERYBODY'S FREE)"
Ladies and gentlemen of The Deuce... read scripture.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, a daily quiet time would be it. The long term benefits of The Word has been proven time after time by God and joy in your life that comes with Him, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.
I will dispense this advice...
...now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of The Deuce.Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and beauty of The Deuce until it has disbanded.But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at photos of Deuce Christmas and an old DeuceFest shirt and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much fun you had and how fabulous the Deuce guys really looked.
They are not as lazy as you might think.
Don't worry about the future or worry, but know that worrying is as ineffective as McLeod trying to be entertained by watching Jason Takes Manhatten.The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that has a Mercedes blindsiding your insuranceless car at 10:30pm on a random Tuesday.
Bring one new person to Common Ground, even if it scares you.
If you are Stephanie Campbell, sing.Unless you are Rebecca Glassco.Then act.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with Delta Zetas who are reckless with yours.
Use coasters.
Don't waste your time on jealousy... if she likes you, great, if she doesn't, being jealous will only turn her off of you even further.The race is long and though you may never reach the end, enjoy the run.
Remember compliments Michael gives you, forget his insults.If you succeed in doing this, you aren't Sarah Hasha.
Keep your old movie tickets.Throw away any bills.
Slam.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 20 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 25 year olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of Hamburger Helper.
Be kind to the Nipp family... you'll miss Sunday lunch when its gone.
Maybe you'll get a date, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll go out twice, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll go stag at Deuce Date Party, maybe you'll eat cheese fries on your 2nd anniversary.
Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, dont berate yourself to much either.
God's will is going to happen, whether you like it or not.
Enjoy the Deuce.Visit every chance you can, don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it.It has some of the greatest fellowship you'll ever know.
Watch the History Channel at least once a week, even if there are others things on.
Don't worry about the directions, just shove them behind the DVDS.
Do not read Shawn's Better Homes and Gardens, it will only make you feel gay.
Get to know Factor 7's music.You'll never know when they'll break up for good.
Be nice to your roommates.They are the best link to paying rent on time, and the people most likely to stick with you when everyone else won't.
Understand that friends come and go, but a precious few you should hold on to. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and gender, for as the older you get, the more you'll need somewhere to go and just relax.
Visit Hunter Street once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Visit Brookhills once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Accept certain inaliable truths... Daniel will have his palm pilot,and Ty Coffey will own Samford and Mike Williams will try to date Rebecca.When you get older, you'll fantacize that when you young, Daniel used an ink pen, Mike was meeting girls at Ropers and Ty was merely a Senator.
Respect Wookiee, Sybil and Jimmy, for they are your elders.
Don't expect anyone else to pay your bills.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a loaded roommate, but you'll never know when either one will run out.
Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you are 40 you will look like you are a minister at Valleydale.
Be careful where you buy your used cds and movies, but be patient with those who supply them.
Know that advice is a form of nostalgia.Dispensing it is a way of sharing your opinions without seeming like you are telling the other person what to do.Usually its recycled advice spoken for more than its worth.
Oh, I'm just so tired. I mean, its all on me, its not like I've been forced into slave labor, but its been a long, crazy weekend, which of course was capped off by
WRESTLEMANIA XXVII
Thaaaaat's right, my best mate Wookiee, my former DeuceMate and buddy Big Tom and myself headed to Atlanta last night for the Super Bowl of Wrestling events, the 27th Annual WrestleMania. And I won't be naive to think that my readership will be all engrossed in all the details of who won what match, and how it all came down and so on... but I will give you the highlights...
I got to see The Rock. That's right, The Rock was a guest host, so he came out, did his schtick and was fantastic. He even interfered in the John Cena match against the WWE Champion The Miz. As The Rock made his way to the ring, I had no words. I was speechless.
It was cool to see legends like Shawn Michaels, who was inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame, Randy Orton and Edge, who both have cool entrance songs, The Big Show, Kane and others that I see from week to week on WWE Raw.
Stone Cold Steve Austin came out, so it was cool to see him do his thing. I've never been a huge Stone Cold fan, but I think he's a legend. Of course, when Booker T returned, and did the spinneroonie in the ring, Stone Cold gave him quite a stunner.
Finally, I will say that in my 25 years of watching wrasslin', I've seen some fantastic matches. HBK and Bret Hart's Iron Man Match in Wrestlemania XII. Goldberg and The Rock for the title. Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat and Ric Flair in the very first Clash of Champions.
Last night's match between The Undertaker, 18-0 at Wrestlemania matches, against Triple H, 13 time world champion, member of DX, and probably the heir apparent to the WWE when Vince McMahon steps away, was the greatest. The absolute greatest match I've ever seen, and maybe thats because I watched it live, maybe its because I am so familiar with the lead-up to this match, maybe because The Undertaker ended Shawn Michael's career last year at Wrestlemania... who knows.
Either way, it was magnificent. Tons of 2-counts, Triple H being bodyslammed off a table, 'Taker being thrown over the top rope and drop kicked, just one hit after the other. Wookiee, Big Tom and I hung on every move both H and 'Taker made, and when it was finally over, when H tapped out, all of us were already standing, we were applauding and all we could say was a single word: "Wow". It was amazing.
We got to see The Rock wrestle. It was a beautiful, tear inducing moment in my life.
And of course, at the end, Cena vs. The Miz, and here comes The Rock... and he ends the night with a Rock Bottom on John Cena. The Miz was able to capitalize and defended the title.
My throat hurt, I was tired, I was hungry and didn't look forward to the 71,614 other people trying to leave The Georgia Dome, but it was truly one of the best events I have ever been too.
Say what you will about the WWE, and believe me, you've said it--I've heard everything from ridicule to awe when people found out I was going to WM 27--bottom line is, the WWE knows how to put on a show. We sat in the rafters, yet we still had a great view of the ring, of the entrance ramp, and though we were looking on the side of the WRESTLEMANIA big sign, we still could see just about everything else. WWE had blocked off the section of seats that would have been impossible to see from, so really, every seat was at least a decent seat.
Anyway, we smelled what The Rock was cooking, and it ruled.
Got Idol stuff coming later this week, and I'm trying to finish a Disney Project this week, and then we'll get back to our regular blogging schedule! So, be patient Brad Latta!
What a glorious day here at The Cabana. Its my day off, so I was able to sleep until around 10ish this morning, after staying up until 1am watching almost 3 hours of American Idol and another hour of Survivor: Redemption Island, and sometimes when you sleep late, and you do that groggy, wobbly stumble to the toilet for your morning relief, then that shower that comes after is just wonderful. Got out, had me a quick lunch, then set about the task of finishing the laundry that had been piled up for five days now... well, heck, we were gone for twelve days, so everything we owned was dirty.
Now, I'm just sitting on the couch, chilling out, relaxing all cool, you know, shooting some b'ball outside of the school... okay, thats not true. Thats too much excercise. It is a beautiful day outside, and some may criticize me for not being in it... but what would I do? Run? Go stand on the corner, inhale the fresh Birmingham/Hoover air and mutter out loud, "Wow, what a pretty day!"? Nah, I just like it here in The Cabana, all the windows open, the bright sunshine pouring in, and a bad Steven Seagal movie playing on the TV, on a channel with no HD, making it fuzzy, which probably makes it more enjoyable.
I guess "Bad Steven Seagal Movie" is itself an oxymoron.
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So, The Rock, who I have a total mancrush on, is back in the WWE. It was a glorious return on this past Monday Night Raw, and I watched the twenty minutes or so he was on about three times. He was in fine form, shouting out things like, "Layeth the smacketh down on your candy a#(@*" and "Know your role and shut your mouth!" and "All you jabronis..." It made me giggle. He rules. He... well, Rocks.
And of course, the big news is, he'll be "hosting" Wrestlemania XXVII, this time in Atlanta, Georgia, on April 2nd. Myself and my best mate Wookiee had been discussing going anyway, and we were tossing back and forth about a third like Danny Ocean talking to Rusty in "Ocean's Eleven"... "We need one more? You think we need one more? Okay, we'll get one more..."
So enter Big Tom Johnson, another former Deucemate. The discussion of whether we go to Wrestlemania XXVII shifted to overdrive when I found out that The Rock will be there, and a major part of it. Toss in the possibility that Kevin "Diesel"/"Big Daddy Kool" Nash may be there, as well as Booker T, and even the outside shot that WCW'er Sting might show up--highly unlikely, but then again, so was The Rock's return to regular WWE appearances... anyway, add all that in, and the discussion went from "are we going?" to "how fast can we get tickets?"
A visit to StubHub (stuuuuubhub!) today got us some tickets. Granted, we are in the upper upper deck, and granted we'll be about 10 rows from the top of the Georgia Dome, and granted everyone, Diesel, The Rock and The Big Show included, will look about an inch tall from our seats, but WE WILL BE AT WRESTLEMANIA. If you could get Super Bowl tickets, you'd take 'em, no matter where you were sitting. And at about $67 bucks a pop, you just want to say you were there. April 2nd, we will be. I rule.
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Speaking of The Rock, I just, in the middle of writing this blog post, left The Cabana, drove over to the ghetto and paid a buck at the dollar theater to see The Rock's latest film, "Faster". To say that "Faster" is a bad film is understating the words "Bad Film". This movie is flat out terrible.
The Rock plays a character only known as Driver, and that's not his name, that's apparently his role in a bank heist that ended up putting him in prison for ten years. He and his brother Gary were set up, Gary was murdered, and The Rock, er, Driver, is out to avenge his brother's murder, one by one. That's really all you need to know, because the plot doesn't get much deeper than that.
This picture in the corner of the screen would have been better viewing the actual movie. Just sayin'.
Oh, well there is some nonsense about a double cross, and a plot twist that I saw coming about thirty minutes into the film, there's Mr. Eko from LOST, there's Carla Gugino looking extremely Carla Guginoey, there's Billy Bob Thornton mailing it in and wearing a horrible hairpiece, and finally, I'd like to put forth a theory that any movie can be made better by inserting Maggie Grace in there somewhere. She's in this film, and thought I'm not sure why, it helped the scenery a hundred percent.
Matter of fact, I think that if you know your film is going to be a piece of crap--and I assure you that somewhere in production, the producers looked at each other and said something like "Wow, The Rock or no The Rock, this movie is going blow chunks"--you as a filmmaker have a responsiblity, NAY, a duty to the moviegoing public, at least the male ticket buyers, to just put a pic of Maggie Grace in her LOST bikini in the corner and leave it there, so we'll have something to occupy our time while the horrible film goes on.
Let's be real here. I only saw this because as a guy with a mancrush on The Rock, I try and support his films. Take out The Rock and insert Jason Statham or Vin Diesel, and I save my money. However, I can say that I have no problem giving The Rock my buck. Cause, The Rock rocks.
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One thing I have to keep reminding myself is... this blog is taking off. Seriously. Randomly, I look over and another person has become a "follower", or has left a comment making me say, "Who the heck is this?" Anyway, got some propz from a reader named Nutsy--no knowledge as to whether thats a cute nickname her hubby gave her or a statement on her mental awareness--who looks like she's from the Northeast. She added me to her own blogroll, so I felt compelled to do the same... her website is called "Miss Gracie: New Adventures on an Old Boat", and its worth a look. She seems to be like me... she just writes whatever strikes her fancy, and hopes that someone finds it worth a look.
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Wanted to mention another site too, started by a friend of mine, Scotty Latta and a buddy of his... its called "Joust", and its a brilliant idea, really. The tagline is "Pick Your Battles", and essentially, it lets you compete against other people in contests ranging from sports games to The Bachelor. I personally don't watch the latter, but I am already signed up for American Idol's league, which will come into play when the Top 24 is revealed. There is no money involved, there's very little gambling terminology tossed around (parlays and over/unders and such), its just picking your battles. Find it Joust at JoustNow dot com, or just click here.
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I'm flipping channels and stumbling upon a gem. "School Ties". Have you ever actually seen this movie? Its from 1992, and stars Brendan Fraser as David Greene, a teenager in 1955 Pennsylvania, who gets a scholarship to a hoity toity prep school in Massachusetts, St. Matthews. Problem is, David Greene is Jewish, and St. Matthews is Protestant, so the whole film is all about prejudice and stereotypes...
Here's Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Chris O'Donnell, along with Randall Batinkoff, who went from starring in this hit to... nothing.
So David Greene is on the football team, the star QB, the reason he was brought to the school, and everyone is cool with him, he becomes popular, gets him a chick on the swim team (Amy Locane, before the vehicular manslaughter) at a nearby chick prep school, and it seems like everything is awesome... until his secret is discovered. Then everyone turns on him, including implicating him in a big cheating scandal.
Appearing in this film are young versions of Ben Affleck(playing a guy named Chesty!) and Chris O'Donnell(before Robin) and Anthony Rapp(before "Rent") and Matt Damon (before anything), and its so bad its awesome. Not sure why they decided a shower fight scene between Fraser and Damon was a good idea (its PG-13, don't worry) but it just adds to the ridiculousness of "School Ties".
If you come across this film close to the beginning, watch it, enjoy it and dig it. Didn't even need Maggie Grace in the corner (course she was nine at the time...ew...) but toss The Rock in there and you go from ridiculously awesome to ridiculously awesomer.
For anyone who knew me in The Deuce days, watching "Grown Ups" this past weekend made me think of one thing... this movie is what Deuce: The Movie would be if Deuce: The Movie was in fact a movie.
However, Sandler can still be funny. And when you throw in the likes of David Spade(who, let's face it, hasn't had a truly funny movie since the Farley days), Chris Rock(hasn't truly been funny in a real movie since "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"), Rob Schneider(aside from the random funny cameos in most Sandler movies, he was last seen being funny in... in... well, The Lovely Steph Leann liked 'The Hot Chick"--a movie that I dug not for Schneider, but for Anna Faris and Rachel McAdams) and Kevin James(who was truly charming in "Paul Blart", was the funniest part of "Chuck & Larry" and truly held his own with Will Smith in "Hitch"), you have got the potential to have a pretty funny movie. And for the most part, "Grown Ups" delivers what you would expect.
Its a movie that features a group of guys who were friends back in the day, all playing on a middle school (back then it was "junior high") basketball team that won the championship... they grow up and lose touch, but are all called back together when their coach passes away. They end up spending the 4th of July long weekend together, with Sandler playing Lenny, a successful Hollywood agent, married to Roxanne (Salma Hayek) with three completely spoiled brat kids. Kevin James is Eric, married to Sally (an incredibly good looking Maria Bello) with a couple of problem kids of their own, including a 48 month old son who still likes to nurse... from mom. Yes, that's 4 years old.
Rob Schneider is Rob, and marries a woman 30 years his elder, which makes for a running gag that eventually gets tiresome, while David Spade is Marcus, a player who never got married and still chases women. Finally, Chris Rock is Token homemaker Kurt, married to the bacon-bringer-homer and very pregnant Deanne (Maya Rudolph), with a few kids of their own.
What follows in the course of the hour and forty five is a series of vignette-like scenes that carry the group through the weekend as they catch up, learn about family and friendship and say lots of innuendos and poopy farty jokes along the way. You know, its five guys. They do run into the grown up versions of the kids they beat on the championship team back in the day, allowing for fellow SNL alums Colin Quinn and Tim Meadows to make appearances, as well as Steve Buscemi, who looks like he's playing his squirrely bug-eyed look to the hilt.
Some jokes are funny, some fall flat, but you just have to be into this kind of a buddy-reunion movie to enjoy a film like this. Having lived with three other guys who paid rent and like, seven other guys that didn't, all at the same time, I could relate to this film in terms of how people change, the direction that life takes for some... though I cannot fathom being that close to your homeboys, and then having no contact with them for 30 years. That's just... well, maybe I'm being idealistic, but that's almost unreasonable.
I almost feel like this could be Shawn, Big Tom, Mikey, myself and Tommy Mac in a few years. Or Wookiee. Or Drewski. Or, if you are thinking Chris Rock, it could be The Hall--though I would think if we reunited for a coach's death, it would be for The Hall's funeral. Then again, I don't fish... Just sayin'.
The language is fair, not too bad, and with the exception of Maria Bello's booby coming out for a nursing scene (without showing anything, by the way) there's nothing really bad in this film.
Don't expect to see "Billy Madison" all over again... if you can wait until the Ghetto Theater for a Buck, do so. If you just have to see it now, take a matinee, otherwise catch it on a rental in probably September or October.
By the way... the soundtrack is absolutely fantastic... REO Speedwagon... J Geils... Journey (something other than "Don't Stop Believin'", for once)... Jefferson Starship... The Kinks... Eddie Money's "Two Tickets to Paradise", one of my 100 favorite songs of all time... and Bob Welch's "Sentimental Lady", which Chris Rock's character declares to be, somewhat correctly, "the whitest song in history"... oh, and one more song that's in the movie, but not on the soundtrack...
That's Bob Seger's "Rock and Roll Never Forgets". Bob Seger, what the crap, yo? First, let's be honest, you rock. "Shakedown" from "Beverly Hills Cop II", rocks. "Hollywood Nights" rocks. "Still the Same", "Turn the Page", "We Got Tonight"... they all rock. And so does this awesome song called "Rock and Roll Never Forgets". And you can't find it on iTunes.
If you are Garth Brooks or The Beatles, who have catalogs that are both infamous for not being available, then I can understand. Why sell on iTunes, you got a bajillion dollars anyway. But Bob Seger? Seriously, dude. Open up that catalog. I don't want "Greatest Hits Volume 2", I want that one song.
If you are reading this on Facebook, you'll want to click over to Clouds in My Coffee. Otherwise, you'll miss the splendor.
Sometimes, you come across something that just has to be shared with the world. The year was 2000, N*Sync was the biggest band in the entire world, and The Deuce was the most rockin' apartment in the whole, entire universe.
And, in our spare time, usually for broadcast during Wednesday night's middle school service, we made videos. We did several, ranging from movie spoofs to musical bits to one where Mikey not only drove a fire truck, but he also threw the offering plate across the sanctuary like a frisbee.
But you have to see this one. In order of appearance, its Shawn Sharp, Amy Dennis, Tom Johnson, Mikey & Yours Truly and Jason Lazzero. Video work done by Jimmy Bowling. Choreography & story outline done by Yours Truly. Digital work & uploading by Shawn Sharp.
Amy & Jason were both allergic to cats. Since it took about three hours to shoot this, both were miserable by the end of the night due to the presence of Max & Fisher, the cats of The Deuce. By the time Amy makes that walk down the hall towards the end, she's about to pass out.
Yours Truly looks angry here, but its really just a front for the video. I'm doing some sort of animated hand motion thing... have no clue what that even is.
Mikey looks angry here because he really was angry. Unsure if this was the "Post Susan Neese" period just kicking in or what, but he was not a happy guy.
Filmed entirely in The Deuce. Notice all the VHS tapes atop and beside the big entertainment center.
I tagged Mike Williams and Mike Brunson on this on Facebook, two Mikes that I know from entirely different contexts--however, both will recognize that green and white checkered couch.
Finally, I've lost about six pints in tears from laughing so hard as I watch this. We truly were something... well, something.
Shawn did some work putting other videos in digital format, so I am sure those will have to come up soon too.
Where are we? Currently, sitting in the back of a police cruiser, handcuffed, in April of 2003. Find out how I got there by reading Part I.
As I sat down to finish the story, The Lovely Steph Leann was headed upstairs to lay that pretty little head to sleep. I mentioned that I had to finish my blog story, which she had not read yet. She asked which story, I told her it was the 2003 arrest, and she rolled her eyes. "I cannot believe you are telling that story." Then she disappeared upstairs.
Back to the story...
The Ford Explorer slowed down as it past the motel parking lot. I watched it turn right onto Highway 31, disappear for a few seconds, then reappear in the shopping center parking lot. I could see in the windows a very confused looking Wookiee behind the wheel, with Mikey and Tom and Shawn with him. The Explorer pulled to the front of the motel, almost looking like they were checking in.
My wrists were a little pained, by the way. Officer Tennessee Titan running back Eddie George had slapped on the handcuffs a little tight, so when Eddie George came back to the car, I asked if he would loosen them a little. I leaned over with my hands out, he obliged, uncuffed and then re-locked them.
Eddie George then turned around to see none other than Deucemate Tom Johnson headed walking towards them. They conversed for a minute or so, apparently with Tom asking permission to take my car back to The Deuce, which was denied, and then asking some questions about my situation... my best guess some years later would be him asking first, "Why is my roommate handcuffed in the back seat of a police car?"
This is different from the question Mikey would have asked, which would be, "Is he going to be deported, and if so, can I get him to sign his rent check real quick?"
Tom came over to the police car, under the watchful eye of Eddie George, looked in the window with a grin and said, "Hey d$." I nodded, "'sup Tom?"
We then chatted for a moment about the weather, about the prospects of Auburn and Alabama this coming fall, the possibility of you know, posting bail and I'm sure Tom made some remark about the soap being dropped and how that was a bad idea.
With Eddie George's permission, Tom was able to go to my car and pull out my debit card. I told Tom to go get about $200 cash out of my account, gave him my pin number, asked him to call Starbucks to let them know I've been delayed (re: detained) and sent him on his way.
About this time, with the fresh smell of bacon in the air, the Vestavia Hill Popo showed up. An old, gruff officer got out, had some words with Eddie George, and just like that, Officer Tennessee Titan running back Eddie George opened the back car door, asked me to step out, and then turned me over to Officer Grumpsalot. Without a word, Officer Grumpsalot opened the back door to his Vestavia Hills Police Cruiser and motioned me inside, which I did with little reaction.
He got behind the wheel, then began the drive up the hill to the Vestavia Hills Police Department. Unlike Eddie George, Officer Grumpsalot didn't say anything. He actually lowered his window about an inch or so, and lit up a smoke. Part of me was bothered by this, because really, I didn't pay a speeding ticket, and had an expired tag... sure that was wrong, and yeah, I need to pay some fines and such, but here I was, sitting in the back of a police car and now the Officer who isn't likely to win any congeniality awards is inhaling a cig, with smoke wafting back to me. There was a cage between us, not glass.
However, another part of me was quite amused by this. I don't feel sorry for anyone in the back of a police car, because whether the punishment fits the crime, the law is what it is, and here's an old school police officer lighting up a Marlboro, and I'm sure if I had said anything about it, he probably would have not only told me where to stick it, whatever "it" might be, he might tell me to go perform bad things on my own accord. So I kept quiet, slowly developing second hand cancer from the ride to the station.
I sighed and half-smiled as we passed Starbucks, the same one that I was supposed to be working at, by now a good 30 minutes. Keep in mind, I'm still wearing my Starbucks hat and my red shirt... and several of the officers frequent this Starbucks. Unfortunately, Eddie George nor Officer Grumpsalot were one of those.
We pulled into the station, he got out, pulled me out and led me inside, through a small lobby and into the booking room. That's right, I said "booking room". I could see the camera set up at the far end, and in the next room, a small counter with a few pads of black ink--fingerprinting. Beyond that, a small doorless entry way leading to what I glimpsed and could only guess to be... jail cells. Two of them, one on each side.
Another man, a tall, heavyset guy who looks like he'd be completely comfortable sitting 1) on a Harley hog and 2) at a buffet, was getting his mugshot taken. Officer Grumpsalot uncuffed me, handed me over to a nice older lady who could have passed for my grandmother, were she not wearing a police uniform and about to take my mug shot. She instructed me to stand in front of the camera, and hold a small black board.
The black board read, in removable tile letters "D-A-V-I-D D-O-L-L-A-R", and had a series of numbers under it. I held it, faced the camera, and it flashed. "Turn to the side, sweetie," she instructed, as if she were offering me a glass of tea to go with my cookies. I turned, held the sign beside me and the camera flashed again.
She led me over to the fingerprinting area, where Philo Beddoe the Biker was standing. She told me to just have a seat until Philo was done. I sat, sighing, leaning back in the chair. Really, I could have been upset... but why? It is what it is. I messed up, I was careless, and I got caught. I honestly found the entire episode more funny than anything else, though I was little worried about missing my shift at Starbucks, and there still was the issue of The Girlfriend Steph Leann, though by now, I had decided to just not tell her.
As I sat, a few of the police officers that I recognized walked in. One, who we called Officer Spill due to his propensity for knocking over drinks on our Starbucks counter (he'd done it twice by this time), saw me, looked bewildered, then smiled. "Well, guess we had better be careful that you don't spit in our drinks, huh?" I smiled back, thinking to myself, "Yep, and you no longer are going to receive quality drinks from my hand."
Remember that scene in "Con Air", when Cyrus the Virus asks Guard Falzon, "Oh, stewardess? Stewardess? What's the in-flight movie today?" and Guard Falzon says,"Well, I think you'll like it, Cyrus. It's called "I'll Never Make Love to a Woman on the Beach Again", and it's preceded by the award-winning short, "No More Steak for Me, Ever". He laughs and walks away, and Cyrus the Virus throws out a fake laugh before saying, "Funny f($**@+, aren't ya?"
I felt like that.
Philo Beddoe was done with his fingerprinting, and the officer led him into the small adjacent room. I heard the groan, followed a few seconds later by the clanging of a jail cell door closing. I was led to the fingerprinting counter, and the older lady with me gently took my left hand, then put my index finger on the ink pad. She rolled it onto the black ink, then moved it over to a large card.
My finger was placed and rolled on a square marked "Left Index". A few seconds later, the square marked "Left Middle" was marred by a black fingerprint, followed by the ring, the pinky, then the thumb.
Philo Beddoe, from inside his cell, called out, "Can I call my brother again?" One of the officers responded, "Yeah, just give me a minute and I'll get you the phone." I asked, "What are you in for?" and Philo Beddoe responded, "Funny thing, really. I got a speeding ticket about five years ago, right before I was moving to Florida. Forgot that I got it. I haven't been back to Birmingham in five years, and I came this weekend to see my parents. Got pulled over for some routine traffic stop, and here I am. What about you?"
"Dude, that sucks. Yeah, kinda the same. Got a ticket I forgot to pay, so here I am."
"Tell you one thing, man. When my brother gets here and gets me out, I ain't never coming back to Birmingham again. That's for dang sure."
I looked at the officer who was finishing up inking and rolling my right hand and asked, "Am I going to be in the jail cell?"
She nodded and said, "Yes."
What was jail like, you ask? Well, all I can say is, the first night's the toughest, no doubt about it. They march you in naked as the day you were born, skin burning and half blind from that delousing crap they throw on you, and when they put you in that cell, when those bars slam home, that's when you know it's for real. Old life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it. Most new fish come close to madness the first night. Somebody always breaks down crying. Happens every time. The only question is, who's it gonna be? I remember my first night. Seems like a long time ago.
Fortunately for me, The Deuce saved the day. A police officer came in and saw me, red shirt, black Starbucks hat, black inked fingers and nodded. "Your d$, right?" I nodded. "You got an entourage out here."
I followed him out into the main lobby, and there stood Mikey, Shawn, the honorable Rev'rn Ty, Tom, Wookiee and my buddy Demastus, Atty at Law, and as I walked in, the applauded. I nodded my head, smiled, and bowed.
"So, uh... can I get a ride to work?" I asked into the crowd.
The aftermath started by getting my car out of impound, which cost me about $110. I had to pay my fines, which strangely enough wasn't as much as I thought. Because I had such an old speeding ticket, my license was suspended unbeknownst to me. So when I was stopped, it was taken from me, and I was given a "driving with a suspended license" fine, in addition to my expired tag fine, and of course, the cost of the original ticket. However, I paid $155 the night I was sprung from prison, and subsequently, that was it. I called later, and was told that it was now paid up with my previous payment.
To this day, I'm not sure if the $155 I paid was for the tag, the license or the ticket, or maybe it was discounted because I'm a member in good standing of The Deuce, and truly, The Deuce Abides.
Now... The Girlfriend Steph Leann was another story. I went on to work, and caught much ribbing from the fellow baristas about being a convicted felon in their midst. Bummed a ride home, and the next morning, I got a phone call. It was Stephanie.
"Hey baby, how are ya?" she asked. "I'm great," I responded. I had gone back and forth on whether to tell her or not, and had decided that I would just keep quiet, for now. Perhaps one day, when we were married, sitting on our front porch just covered in grandchildren and saying things like "No!" and "Stop that!", I would pipe up and say, "Hey, let me tell you a funny story about a time before we were engaged."
I never had that chance.
"So how was your night last night? Anything in particular you want to tell me?" she asked. She knew. Somehow, some way, she knew. "Nothing really. Worked. Came home." "Was ARRESTED?!?!?!" "Well, yeah, that too." "Yeah, Ty called me last night. I was eating dinner with my parents, and got this phone call, and had to fake it with them like it was nothing. YOU'D BETTER BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T CALL ME, OR I WOULD HAVE LEFT YOUR (@**# A#($** IN JAIL!!!" (she didn't really say curse words or use punctuation in her comments, but it was rather strong). To this day she still contends that she would have left me there. And to this day, I still remember that Rev'rn Ty sold me out.
All these years later, the whole thing still resonates. Sometimes people ask me if I'm rehabilitated. Well, there's not a day goes by I don't feel regret. Not because I was in jail, or because you think I should be. I look back on the way I was then: a young, stupid kid who committed that terrible crime. I want to talk to him. I want to try and talk some sense to him, tell him the way things are. But I can't. That kid's long gone and this old man is all that's left. I got to live with that. Rehabilitated? It's just a crap word. So you go on and make your judgements, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don't give a rip.
So there it is. The story that was never told has now been told. Perhaps Mikey, Tom, Wookiee, Shawn-Fu, Ty and The Lovely Steph Leann will remember it differently, but that's how it happened in my mind. Hope you enjoyed my tale of lawlessness, reckless abandon and appreciate the fact I left out the gangster wars and rape from my time in the joint.
Thank you again for reading the blog, and here's to the next 500 posts, to getting to 50,000 hits in the next two years and I'll have you to thank for it all. You guys rock.
On Facebook? Search "Clouds In My Coffee" and become a fan... I'd love to see you.
Not too long ago, I found a website that would print your blog. You can upload it, and within a few seconds, you'd get your blog in a book form that you can print! For a small fee, of course.
Anyway, I did the necessary steps to see what it would look like. And I waited. And I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more. I flew to NYC, saw a Broadway play, flew back, drove to Gadsden, had a nice Waffle House breakfast with NYCJenni, on the way back, stopped and played some gin rummy with KT, found Hurricane Rhett broken down on the side of the road, so I gave him a lift to Tupelo, Mississippi, came back, had dinner with The Lovely Steph Leann while conferencing Erin the Marine Wife on her new book, "Semper Wife", played tennis with Mikey and Jim Courier, then had a six movie marathon starring Amy Adams, whom I'm in love with. And I waited some more.
FINALLY, it came up. And for the low, low price of only $606.45, YOU can order your own copy of Clouds in My Coffee's Blog Book, and enjoy all 1709 pages of it. None of that was a typo.
Whether I'm any good or not is subjective--I'm sure there are some that would never visit this page other than to mock me, and there are others that visit every day... I know that at least 130 people have this page bookmarked in their browser, and many of you have this site linked on your own webpage (though Amy Mc, you don't. And we're going to have to change that somehow). None of that is trying to be all braggadocious, its just a pride of after four years of work, this page has some legs, and keeps growing.
I thought long and hard about what to do for this particular posting... I mean, you don't do your 500th blog every day, and it will be another 3 to 4 years before I get to 1,000, so I wanted to mark the occasion with something a little extra special. I went back and forth on ideas, thinking about actually introducting a website, then thinking I'd do a page of my favorite columns or maybe your favorite columns and then I thought of doing pictures, or music or something... but a few days ago, when The Lovely Steph Leann and I were driving through Vestavia Hills, it hit me. I'd tell a story.
I'd tell a story that hasn't been told online. I'd tell a story that several people know, but perhaps had forgotten... or had heard in second or third hand. I'd tell a story that The Lovely Steph Leann has told me her parents don't even know. Yet, anyway.
Its April 2003. I started at Starbucks on February 1 of that same year, and had been at the brand new Vestavia store for two months. The reasons for working at Starbucks were two fold... first, I had a girlfriend that I really liked a whole heckuva lot. So much so that I wanted to buy this chick a ring. Second, I had debt. I mean, we've covered this in previous blogs here and here, but anyone who knows me knows that in my younger day, I didn't do so very good with money.
Starbucks, at the time, was paying me a nice $6.55 per hour to hustle lattes, sling coffee, grind some beans and truly have a good time. And Starbucks is a good time, don't let anyone ever tell you differently.
Part of my debt was credit cards, part of my debt was personal loans, the majority was student loans, another big chunk was the car payment, and another chunk was the car insurance that I had gotten, finally. (June 2000 was when they mandated that all Alabama drivers have car insurance... guess who just got some?). But, at Starbucks, I was starting to make some headway. I was close to having my first card paid off, my AT&T Universal, and was saving some money up for this ring idea that I had.
The Deuce Guys were happier, especially Mikey, cause suddenly, instead of getting my rent and utility checks up last, or a few days late, I was plopping my power bill check on the bulletin board a good ten days before it was due. I mean, I was pulling at least $300 extra per month, after taxes and it was glorious.
So, its a Friday night. I pull out of The Deuce Parking Lot and onto Southland Drive. Its probably around 515ish or so, I have to be at work at 530ish, and I'm wearing my red Starbucks shirt, apron in my front seat. I leave behind Wookiee on the couch, Mikey on the other couch, Tom in his room and Shawn-Fu on the computer.
Being a Friday, traffic seems a little heavier that normal, and I pull to a stop behind another car at a red light. For those of you unfamiliar with the area, or have been gone so long from it that you barely remember this, Southland Drive is a little road that spills into Highway 31.
Highway 31 is one of the major highways in Birmingham, and if you turn right onto 31, you'll head towards the main Hoover area of the Galleria Mall and towards the towns of Pelham and Alabaster. If you turn left, which I was going to do, you'll pass turn lanes to Interstate 65, you'll go under the 65 overpass, and head into Vestavia Hills.
As I sit on Southland Drive, to my right is a small shopping center that contains Ellis Piano, the Purple Onion (to this day still a fave eatery of myself and The Lovely Steph Leann), David's Bridal (which in the years has since moved down 31) and a few other shops. To my left is a hotel that has gone through several name changes, only being a "brand name" you'd recognize just once, a long time ago. There's a restaurant there called... something or other, but Mikey and I went there once and I remembered it being terrible. The Where We Eatin' Blog would take it down, I'm sure. In the years since, the hotel has been torn down and... well, I'm trying to remember what is even there now.
So, to my right is the shopping center, to my left is the motel... and behind me at this very moment? A police officer. In a police car. And it is at this very moment that I remember... my tag is expired. Its April. I'm a "D", so that means I renew in January. Do the math.
The officer did the math, and before I could utter any sort of profanity that only I and God would hear that I might feel bad about later, the lights came on. The red light changed to green, and I wheeled over into the parking lot of the motel and turned the car off. Another ticket. This will suck. And my girlfriend, the Dating Steph Leann, who has been reminding me of getting this taken care of, will not be happy. However, my thought is to pay it off quickly, and just not mention it. That would be easier, right? Right.
Sighing, I pull my wallet out, or my dayplanner, or whatever it was that I was carrying at the time and set it on the passenger seat, and put both hands on the steering wheel. The big, black, behemoth of an officer came to my window and smiled. He looked like Eddie George, the then-Tennessee Titan running back.
"License and registration, please," he said. Then added, "Proof of insurance." "Yes sir," I replied, friendly enough. I pulled out my license and my Geico insurance information. "Do you know why I pulled you over, d$?" "I am guessing it has something to do with my tag being a couple of months overdue, right?" "Yep," he nodded, writing on his little tablet. Not looking up, he said, "Normally, if its a month late, I don't worry about it, but yours is three months past. I just couldn't let it slip." He looked up, nodded again and turned to his car. "Just sit right there for me, I'll be right back."
Eddie George got back in his police car, and I looked down at the clock. It was 5:42. I was going to be late, and I hated being late. And even worse, Eddie George was taking forever... finally, he got out of his vehicle, and walked back to the car.
"I'm going to ask you to step out of the car, d$," Eddie George said, suddenly sounding very official. Uh... okay...
I unbuckled my seatbelt, opened the door and stepped out. "Can I ask what the problem is, officer?" That is always such a cheesy movie line, until you are forced to ask it for real.
"Are you aware that you have a speeding ticket that is outstanding from 2000?" "Uh... no. But I have a feeling I'm aware of it now." "Please turn around, sir. I'm going to have to take you into custody." "Seriously? Like, you are seriously going to arrest me?" "I'm afraid so."
I turned around, and like something out a comedy, Eddie George grabbed my wrists and I felt the metal around my arms snap into place and the handcuffs were squeezed tightly. Eddie George led me to his car and opened the backseat. He nodded toward the backseat, and I climbed in.
"Well," I asked, looking up at Eddie George. "Now what happens?" "I am a Hoover Police Officer. I've called Vestavia, someone's going to come and take you to their police station." "Okay, officer, seriously... are these handcuffs necessary? I mean, I'm in a Starbucks shirt. You have my keys. Where am I going to go?" "Sorry, man. Its policy. I gotta keep you there."
I then glanced over and looked at my car. Where would it go?
"Can I ask what will happen to my vehicle?" "It's going to be impounded." "Impounded? Like, I live right there," I nodded my head toward a clump of trees. "See those trees? I live on the other side of them. We could walk there in six minutes. Can I not leave the car here?" "Sorry about that... its the rules. This is a private business, so it can't stay here." "What about if... I dunno... you let me drive it, and you follow me back to my apartment. Take me in there. If I try to drive away, you know where I live, or you can just shoot my tires or something." This got a chuckle out of Eddie George, who had had a half-smile on his face already. He seemed as if he knew I was just a guy who made a mistake, was no real harm, but he was just following the rules he had to follow. Didn't fault him for that.
"Man, if you did that and something happened, do you know how much trouble I'd be in? Gotta leave it here." "Oh, I got it... my roommate Tom can just get the keys. I can leave them in the floorboard, he will just drive it back. Seriously, man, if you impound the car, its going to cost me like, a hundred bucks when I could stand on my hood of where my car is right now and throw a baseball through my bedroom window." Now this was a lie, because my arm strength has never been very good, but you get the point.
Again, he chuckled, but shook his head. "No can do, my man. No can do."
Finally, it was time to bring up the elephant in the room, so to speak. Say the awkward thing that was there... let's just say it.... "Did you know you look like Eddie George?"
Eddie George smiled again, "Yeah, I've been told that a few times." "They won 11 last year. Think they'll pick up what they need in the draft?" "Dunno, man. They need some offensive help, McNair can't do it all by himself." "They'll be fine. They got a big year ahead." "Oh, I agree. I see at least 10, 12 wins next season." He pushed a button on his walkie-talkie and took a few steps back.
I sat back as much as I could, though it was harder when your hands are behind your back, pressed against the plastic seat. It was a bonafide plastic bench. I looked around, traffic whizzing by, knowing that I was going to be all kinds of late, or not show up, and I glanced over toward Southland Drive. I couldn't help but grin as I saw a red Ford Explorer, with four faces glued to the window, almost like a scene in a comedy.
In the front, Wookiee, while driving, was staring out the window. Next to him I saw the face of Shawn-Fu, and behind them, I saw the face of Tom Johnson and Mikey. The Explorer was going about seven miles per hour, all faces glued on the red car that they knew was mine parked in the parking lot, and probably the shape in the backseat of the police cruiser that they knew was me.
Mikey called The Rev'rn Ty, and said only, "Ty. The (fecal matter) has hit the fan."
Tonight was fun, as after church, The Lovely Steph Leann and I went down the road to Veteran's Park, right beside Spain Park High School, to check out the Shelby County Tea Party. We knew that Rick & Bubba, local radio idols, were helping to put it on, and Sean Hannity was behind it as well, so we wanted to show our support to the cause. The cause? Less government spending. Less government altogether. I can dig it.
We chanted "U-S-A" along with the rest of the crowd, shouted and cheered at the "People who work should not be over-taxed to support those who don't!" sentiments, and booed at the "Congress thinks that ALL of you are rich, and don't need to keep what you earned!". It was an all around fun evening... until...
We got in the car. The Lovely Steph Leann looked at me, and said, "Did you... uh... rip one?" I said, "No, I didn't." She said, "Are you sure?" and I looked at her increduously, "Dear, I'm pretty sure I'd know if I had gas. I don't."
We drove around the parking lot for a few minutes, working our way through the line, and again she said, "Are you sure? Did you just pooty that time?" All women have their own special terms, knowing that "fart" is kind of a crude word. "Pooty" happens to be the term of choice for The Lovely Steph Leann. "No, I didn't. You certainly are gastronomically accusational tonight, aren't you?"
Finally, a third time, she asked me, and by this time I was smelling something gawd-awful... and I reached up, flipped on the lights and it was there we discovered that The Lovely Steph Leann had apparently stepped into a fresh pile of pet poopy. And it was terrible. She started (understandably) complaining, and I handed her some napkins... keep in mind she had not changed clothes from work, so she still had on her nice leather slip-ons
I pulled off into a subdivision down the road a bit, laughing out loud by now, as she stepped out, wiping all that she could off with the napkins, getting it on her hands. I'm holding my nose because its so terrible, and still laughing, and finally she looks up and said, "David. I really need you to NOT laugh right now. Really." That was my cue, and though it took biting my lip, I held the laughter to nil.
The poo in question apparently was over most of the bottom of her shoe, as well as on the side of her shoe, in the little leather creases and stitching. I luckily found a plastic bag in the backseat to toss all the napkins in, but all the way home she sat, one shoe on, one shoe with a napkin wrapped around it, hands on knees, open palms up. It was dark, so I thankfully could not see her hands, but it did smell.
The Lovely Steph Leann has now spent the last 30 minutes wiping her shoes down, scrubbing poopy off of the sides, trying to wash her hands and like a good hubby, I sit, wait for her to finish so we can start Idol and will get up and help when I'm call upon. __________________________________
RESULTS...
The Lovely Steph Leann just sat down, looked at me and simply said four words... "That was so disgusting."
THIS IS
AMERICAN IDOL!!!!
Tonight, Miley Cyrus will no doubt perform "The Climb", a song that I have now heard about 73 times in the last week or so, as its on the big screen at The Happiest Place in the Mall every day, all day.
Seacrest reminds us that the judges--Randy the Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell--still have the Lambert/Gokey Memorial Save left, allowing them to overturn the people's vote.
And early in the show, they sneak in that Ford commercial! We already saw it! Those sneaky Idol devils... but they won't pull one over on us for this group song, this time from "Flashdance", its Michael Sambello's "Maniac", a song that should not be performed unless someone is wearing leg warmers. No one under 30 will get that joke.
We do see the Idols going to the premiere of "17 Again", a movie that I think will be pretty funny.
But, let's dim the lights. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta stands... could she be in the bottom three, headed to the Silver Stools of Failure, or will she stay seated on the Couch of Safety? After the nationwide vote... My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta stays My Next American Idol!
The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert stands! And flames! And sits down again!
Look! Its The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert! No, I'm serious. This is really him... doing his drag queen thing. Oh, you should see the ones I didn't save and post. Just try googling "Adam Lambert" and "Drag". Cindy Jo, this is for you.
Five Idols left, three Bottom Three spots left. I'm guessing Anoop Dawg, Lil Rounds and Matty G, and Lil Rounds goes and sits down again--and after two straight weeks in the Bottom Three, he makes it a third week in a row.
Before we find out who joins The Eyebrowed One, we get to see Jennifer Hudson perform a little. I often wonder if Fantasia looks at her and throws things at the screen, thinking that should be her. Or if Kimberly Locke looks at Jennifer Hudson, and wonders why she didn't get those breaks.
Normally I would fast forward, but The Lovely Steph Leann has requested to watch. And after the... well, crappy... night she's had, I'll oblige. By the way, Jenn Hudson sounds great.
Seacrest heads over to the Couch of Safety, asking Kris Allen to stand. Lil Rounds stands up beside him. Simon the Cowell tosses in, "Kris, I didn't get to speak last night, but I thought you were brilliant." Kris Allen sits down on the Couch of Safety, Lil Rounds heads to the Silver Stools of Failure. Which means Matty G cannot feel good sitting next to The Widower Danny Gokey.
The Goke is wearing one of his "Ticket to the Gun Show" kind of shirts, as in, tight on the arms. Matty G is in the Bottom Three, and we all knew this, despite Seacrest's attempts to throw us off with the verbage. Kara the New Hotness agrees that this is the right group, Paula the Abdul agrees.
Seacrest does the "goes back to the Couch of Safety" routine, picking Anoop Dawg to go back. Fast forward through commercials, and here's Miley Cyrus! And the >> button on the remote, there goes Miley Cyrus! Seacrest asks Simon the Cowell about who they'd save, and Simon the Cowell responds that there is one they might save... and it might be a surprise... hmmm..
Dim the lights! After the nationwide vote of over 36,000,000, Matty G and Lil Rounds stand... and Lil Rounds is safe. (The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Crap" under her breath). This leaves Matty G singing for his life.
The judges confer as Matty G sings... they only have 2 more weeks to use this blasted save thing, which is not going to be used on The Ambiguously Gay Adam or The Widower Danny Gokey, because neither will be in the Bottom Three. As Matty G sings the song, Kara the New Hotness and Paula the Flake sway and sing along.
The crowd is chanting "Save! Save! Save!" and rightfully so, cause Matty G did much, much better than last night. Simon the Cowell disagrees, saying that he doesn't think that Matty G has a shot at winning the competition. That being said... Matty G gets the Save!
The Idols rush out, giving Matty G huge props and hugs, but Simon the Cowell breaks the news... next week, 2 people go home. And its Disco Week.
To that, The Lovely Steph Leann looks up from her blankie and says, "Why do we even have Disco Week? What is the purpose? I don't even think Simon likes it!"
And that's your Idol. Samson blog coming later tonight/early morning.
__________________________________
PERFORMANCES...
Another week, another Idol... its the Top Seven, now that Scott the Blind Vampire is gone. Tonight's theme is Music from the Movies, and tonight's guest? Quentin Tarantino. He did this once before, several years back (I'm sure I could look it up, but I'll find it later) and he did a pretty good job--he wasn't a push over and seemed to be pretty honest.
In any case...
THIS IS
AMERICAN
IDOL!!!
Tarantino is known for his musical selections in his films, with my favorite song from my favorite QT movie being The George Baker Selection's "Little Green Bag", probably in my Top 10 or Top 15 songs of all time.
THE FIRST TEN SECONDS OF THIS VIDEO IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK. EMMY TURNBOW IS NOT ALLOWED TO PRESS PLAY...
This is the brilliant opening to "Reservoir Dogs", a film in The Dave100. It truly is a cool, cool scene, one that we recreated some years later, taking some photographs for the cover of our first Deuce CD.
Our judges... Randy the Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell all sit, ready to strike fear into opinions. Ryan the Seacrest is discussing the show that over ran the clock last week, messing up the start of "Fringe" for Wendi Deckermiller and others, and causing the judges to not be able to love-fest on The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.
My favorite Tarantino films, top to bottom... Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill, Death Proof, Kill Bill Volume 2, Jackie Brown... and I'm pretty pumped for his new film, Inglourious Basterds. And QT is assisting the Idols with their song choice... whats great about this is that he doesn't sing, he just knows what sounds good and what doesn't. And he's admittedly an avid Idol fan.
This is the cover of A Very Deuce Soundtrack, one of three CDs we put out during the Deuce days of 2000 through 2004. We call it "Reservoir Christians". From left to right, Yours Truly, Mikey Nipp, Justin Glenn, Shawn Sharp, Wookiee, Tom Johnson, Daniel Powell. Imagine "Little Green Bag" as we walk. We rocked.
My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is going to do something that might be hard to do... make "I Don't Want to Hear a Thing" (from "Armageddon", by Aerosmith) a song that I enjoy. Cause really, it was Aerosmith's first number 1 single, which is a shame, because "Sweet Emotion" is one of the best driving songs in the history of the world. Along with "La Grange" and "Everything Zen" by ZZ Top and Bush, respectively.
Anyway... My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is doing the song justice, as well as can be expected for this particular song. Really, though, towards the end it kinda falls apart, which is too bad.
Paula the Flak tells her she's authentic. Simon the Cowell calls her the only hope for the girls. I agree! That's why she's my next American Idol! Simon the Cowell says that she might go all the way to the end. Randy the Dawg and Kara the New Hotness don't talk, as part of a "taking turns, two at a time talking" deal in order to save time.
We're told that Anoop Dawg is going to sing "Everything I Do (I do it for you)" by Bryan Adams, from "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves", a movie probably in The Lovely Steph Leann25. Seriously... that movie is good. Its kitchy, its cheesy, its a little hammy... but its still awesome. Morgan Freeman is great, Alan Rickman is fantastic, and for a time, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio was the hottest thing in the world, at least in my eyes. This movie, plus "The Abyss" (a movie in The Dave20), she was a knockout.
One of The Lovely Steph Leann's favorite parts in all of moviedom is where Maid Marian looks out, sees Robin Hood, and does that crazy loud "RRRROOOOOBBBBBIIIINNN!!!!!!" scream. She could watch that over and over. And has.
So Anoop Dawg is doing the Bryan Adams song... its not bad, actually. Honestly, though, a few weeks back he broke through doing the ballad, and he's done nothing but ballads since then. Might be time for him to go a little faster.
Randy the Dawg says The Eyebrowed One did a great job, while Kara the New Hotness says that Anoop adds soul to the pop song, and it was one of his best vocals so far. Heck, what do I know?
Now comes time for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert to do to Steppenwolf what he did to Johnny Cash. Throw a classic song on the ground, kick it with a platform shoe, then spear it with a gay triangle. "Born to Be Wild" is from "Easy Rider", the road film starring Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper, a film that I've only seen once and can only be described from me as "interesting". I can see how it can be considered a classic, especially for the time period (1969), but I can also understand how it can be considered overrated and silly.
So, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert... you know, it wouldn't be bad if he just wouldn't do that Ambiguously Gay Scream. Or maybe if he didn't sing at all, it wouldn't be bad either. His screeching reminds me of when Axl Rose does the screeching at the end of "Paradise City" or "Welcome to the Jungle", only without the coolness.
Paula the Flake loves him. Simon the Cowell says vocally it was incredible, but visually it was like watching "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". I agree!
Matty G is up with another Bryan Adams song, this one from "Don Juan DeMarco", starring Johnny Depp. The song is "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?", a song that isn't one of my favorite Bryan Adams songs. You wouldn't know it by the soft stuff he did in the mid-90s (dear goodness, don't get me started on that stupid "All for Love" song he did with Sting and Rod Stewart.. one of the worst songs I've ever heard in my entire life),but truly, in the 80s, he rocked out... "Run to You", "Heaven", even in the 90s, with "Can't Stop the Thing We Started" from the "Waking Up the Neighbours" album (a great CD, by the way).
Never seen the movie.
Matty G is pretty good behind that piano. Still, Randy the Dawg didn't like it as much, while Kara the New Hotness didn't like the song choice.
The love of my friend Cindy Jo is up next, that being The Widower Danny Gokey. The Gokerino has picked up a guitar and is learning it, hoping to be ready for the Idol tour. He's choosing "Endless Love" by Lionel Richie & Diana Ross, though I'm guessing The Goke will be doing Lionel Richie's version, from the 1981 movie of the same name.
Have you ever seen this movie? Its ridiculous. Seriously ridiculous. Brooke Shields is in her young movie phase, looking all 80s fine and all, but her character's name is Jade Butterfield. How can you expect me to take any movie seriously with a main ingenue named Jade Butterfield? It's not, however, quite a ridiculous as "The Blue Lagoon".
Paula the Flake loved it. Simon the Cowell didn't like the song as much. There was a harp involved tonight, and is disappointed that The Goke didn't do alot with it. He compared him to when Cook took "Hello" last week and rocked it out. Somewhere, somehow, Cindy Jo is squealing like a little girl in the playground.
Kris Allen is singing the song "Falling Slowly" from the movie "Once". The only reason I know anything about this song is that it won the Academy Award for best song in 2008, beating out 2 songs from the far superior "Enchanted", and yes, I only say that because I'm in love with Amy Adams. So there.
What? Did someone call for a picture of Amy Adams? Who am I to disagree?
So hundreds of thousands of movies out there, thousands and thousands of viable movie songs and we get "Falling Slowly", "Endless Love" and two different Bryan Adams songs? Really?
That being said... Kris Allen is awesome. Like, really awesome. Dude has come on strong and if My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta falls, he might be My Next American Idol In Waiting.
Randy the Dawg didn't care for it that much, calling it pitchy. Kara the New Hotness thought it was one of Kris Allen's best moments. I agree!
I think I just heard Seacrest say that Lil Rounds was doing "The Rose". Really? Talk about a boring, overdone song. She has the ENTIRE BODYGUARD SOUNDTRACK TO BLOW THROUGH and she picks a Bette Midler song from a Bette Midler movie that no one ever thinks about or remembers they've seen unless its brought up in conversation via a show like American Idol.
Heck, Lil Rounds, pick something from "Woo" or "B.A.P.S." or something by Tyler Perry. But "The Rose"? Sigh.
She does put a slight gospel feel to it, which for me, saves the entire performance, but still... she's got a great voice, she can sing, we all know this, but give me some soul! Give me some funk! Show off that blackness, which means you can do stuff that most of 'em can't do! Come on' sista!
Paula the Flake loved it. Simon the Cowell says that the song was soft and safe and that she isn't the artist that they met in auditions. I agree!
So my favorites of the night... Kris Allen, My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, Anoop Dawg, Lil Rounds, The Widower Danny Gokey, Matty G, the sounds of the bad gas I had the other night after eating mexican food, and finally, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert
FYI... its like, 220 in the morning, I still have two things to do for The Lovely Steph Leann tonight before I go to bed, and I have to be at The Happiest Place in the Mall around 830am... that means that I didn't listen start to finish on all the playlist songs. I will make necessary corrections this weekend... and for you Facebookians... the videos, nor the playlist, will show up. Do the right thing. Go to The Clouds. Bookmark it. Subscribe. You know you want it.
Well, it's been a while since you pulled up Clouds in My Coffee (or "The Clouds" as many, including my Seattle Gal Pal Mindy D'A likes to say) and heard music coming from your speakers. One reader (and I would say her name, but I can never spell it exactly right, and even though the correct spelling is one click away, its late and I'm too tired) kept hers on mute, because she surfs the net at her Pottery Paintin' Place, and now she'll have to go back to it. As always, I run through the list of songs, and why I've put them on this month's playlist--some are repeats from past lists, but the theme of this month is simply "Songs I've Been Listening The Heck Out of For the Last Month or Two".
You know, for whatever reason, you just like a certain song over and over, then after a while, you think, "Okay, I'm done with it" and you drop the CD back into the CD wallet in your car, or you move the song back to the general population and out of your current playlist, to not be touched for who knows how long--could be months. Could be years.
"Your So Vain" by Carly Simon. A Clouds in My Coffee staple. I had some dreams, they were...
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World" by Israel Kamakawiwo'ole. I have played this song enough to learn how to spell the guys name (and yet, I have trouble with Amaryllis Barnett... Amarylls... Amourellis...). Anyway, this is one of two songs I want played at my funeral. You know, if they do that montage of pics showing events of my all-too-brief life, I want this song playing in the background.
"Just the Two of Us" by Bill Withers. Classic. The music is catchy, soulful, it truly is a great song for a rainy day.
"You and I Both" by Jason Mraz. It took a while for me to come around to the Mraz bandwagon, but I really like this guy. At first, he was almost annoying, but after "The Remedy (I won't worry)" and "Wordplay" and "Geek in the Pink", he's got me sold on him. This one is my favorite. The video is both hilarious and awesome.
"My Favorite Mistake" by Sheryl Crow. No doubt, we all have those. Because of the invention of Facebook, and the large number of former classmates and people I would see every day back in the day, I choose not to list My Favorite Mistakes. Okay, fine, Angiejay. But thats only 'cause I'm still bitter. Ha!
"Bye Bye" by Jo Dee Messina. She had one heck of a One-Two punch with this song and "Heads Carolina, Tails California" (another great tune that I almost put on here)... she later did "Bring on the Rain" and "Burn", but not in succession, so I can argue that her One-Two "Bye Bye/Carolina, California" was one of the best back-to-back hits in country music.
My funniest Jo Dee Messina story... so check it out, I was going on missions to New York City in 2002. Right before, though, I had procured Jo Dee Messina tickets, four of 'em to be exact. So I told Wookiee that he could come, and I invited Jill Berthon and her friend Shannon Hanes. Not really a double date, though it is worthy of note that Jill and I had dated briefly in 2000... this time, though she was just my friend. I mean, there was this other girl named The Lovely Steph Campbell that I was sorta looking at and... well, back to the story...
Anyway, I go on the mission trip, I come back, and the concert is that night. So Wookiee, Jill and Shannon and I go, have a great time, we come home, night is over. Jo Dee does put on a great show, by the way... anyway, when I get home, my roommate Tom is furious with me. I ask Michael and Shawn, the other roommates, whats up and they tell me he's mad at me cause I took out Jill. First of all, I didn't "take out" Jill, we just went to a concert together, and secondly, why does Tom give a crap? Well, Michael informs me, because when you were gone to NYC, they've been out a few times. On dates.
Really? Had no idea. So I had to go and talk to Tom and tell him, and make him believe that I honestly had 1) No intentions on pursuing Jill, that it was just a concert, end of story and 2) I had NO clue that Tom was even interested in Jill remotely. That took some talking, but seriously, I had no idea.
Tom and Jill celebrated five years of bliss this past January, by the way.
"My Boo" by Usher & Alicia Keys. I'm not a huge Usher fan, but I really dig this tune. Admittedly, he does have a great voice, and toss in Alicia's sound, and you got a great slow jam.
"Love Song" by Sara Bareilles. For whatever reason, I got hooked back on this song last week, maybe the week before, and I've played it like, 23 times on my iPod. That may or may not sound like alot, but remember, I listen to about five different podcasts during the week, including Adam Carolla, The Sports Guy, PTI, Rush Limbaugh and Car Talk, and even squeeze in some Dave Ramsey when I can.
"When I Get Where I'm Going" by Brad Paisley and Dolly Parton. Here's the other song I want played at my funeral. Play Israel's song first, then have this one complete the photo montage and end with the black screen that says "david dollar... 1975 - 21??" You can fill in the question marks with whatever year it actually is. Don't put question marks for my death year. That's strange.
"Clarity" by John Mayer. My favorite Mayer tune, though I've put it on here about four times tonight... I keep finding the versions that end halfway through the song. Hopefully it works.
"Alone" by Heart. Dude. This song rocks. Carrie Underwood rocked it several years ago on Idol, but you'll never surpass the greatness of Nancy and Ann Wilson. Nor will you surpass their waistlines nowadays. Can they not hire trainers with the bajillions they've made? They were 80s kinda hot back in the day.
"Weak" by SWV. I'll set the scene on this song... back in the early 90s, right after Boyz II Men hit it big, there was a rush of three-some and four-some black dude groups that tried to emulate Boyz' sound--Shai, Jodeci (from which KC and JoJo heralded), All 4 One, Hi-Five, Silkk, etc--and on the opposite gender side, En Vogue hit it big, and chick groups popped up... Jade, Zhane and of course, SWV. Personally? I loved me some SWV... Sista's With Voices. Their hits included "I'm So Into You" and the Michael Jackson samplin' "Right Here/Human Nature", and this one, which I think is a classic.
This video? SOOOOO 90s.
"Until I Fall Away" by The Gin Blossoms. Not really a one hit wonder group... they were responsible for not just "Hey Jealousy" and "Found Out About You", but this one and "Allison Road", all from their album "New Miserable Experience". I would consider them a "one album wonder", meaning one hit album and thats it. Their follow up, "Congratulations, I'm Sorry" had "Follow You Down", but thats all they had left. This song makes me think of Troy State University days, and in particular, Allison Hodnett.
This dashing redhead was a year younger than I, and she was just beautiful. Arriving as a freshman in the fall of 94, she was good friends with Mandy Stewart, a fellow sophomore like myself, and who was also my very good friend, and in fact, Mandy kept trying to encourage something between me and Allison... I finally asked her out, and she rejected me. Ah well, life goes on, right? Well, she was all weird around me for quite a few weeks--this is a trait you chicks have and its freakin' terrible, but thats another blog for another day--when one day she calls me up and asks me to come over to Shackleford Hall to see her. Of course I go. Duh.
I roll over there, rollin' in my 5.0, with my ragtop down so my hair can blow and... no, not really. I think I was driving a Chick Magnet Buick Century. Chicks went out with me for me back then, not cause of my wheels, cause my wheels suuuuuuuuucked for many, many years. Anyway, Allison and I stand outside the lawn space separating Shack and Pace Hall, and this is, oh, I dunno, 11pm? Midnight? No good conversations with me ever happened before 10pm. Anyway, she tells me how dumb she had been, and how she thought I was great, and how she was so sorry for acting the way she did and all, and how she didn't know if anything would come of it, but she wanted to see me again. And then...
"So... would you want to go the movies with me this Wednesday?" she said. There was a movie showing every Wednesday night on Troy's campus back then. "Really? Like, as friends, or like, a real date?" I asked with baited breath and nervous anticipation. "I dunno. Friends. No, a date. We'll make it a date. Seriously." "So you are asking me out on a date?" "Well... I guess I am. Will you go out with me?" Now, while I smiled and said, "Sure, I'd love to," with a restraited acceptance, my stomach was now dancing the fox trot with my spleen, and my entire throat contracted so I could barely breath.
Imagine my disappointment when Wednesday afternoon, she calls me. She is not feeling well, she's been sick all day, and we're going to have to postpone our movie date. I'm let down, but heck, she asked me out, right? I mean, she has to be legitimately sick, right? I didn't talk her into going with me, she asked me out.
I went to the movies anyway, with some friends. And of course, she was there. With John Glasscock. I was kinda mad. I called her later, and her roommate, Liberty Leak, answered and wouldn't put Allison on the phone. You chicks are something else, I tell ya.
Now that I think about it, I don't know if that song fits Allison Hodnett... but it was a fun story to tell.
"Anything but Down" by Sheryl Crow. I don't care for her politics, and unlike Sheryl, I wipe with many, many squares, not just one, but I dig me some Sheryl Crow music. She was also heavily portrayed on my Troy State Soundtrack.
"Can't Let Go" by Mariah Carey. I've often lamented about how much I miss pre-skank Mariah. I think it actually all came crashing down for both she and Whitney Houston when they combined to do that really crappy song "If You Believe" featured in the equally crappy "The Prince of Egypt". Perhaps that one recording studio room couldn't hold that much talent all at once, the talents collided, both were altered and neither was ever the same. I miss she and Whitney both. This song takes me back to high school, though no one in particular comes to mind.
"World on Fire" by Sarah McLachlan. I also love me some Sarah McLachlan. I went to a concert of hers a few years ago. Both me and The Lovely Steph Leann observed that Sarah is quite popular with the members of the Lesbetarian Church. Quite the gay magnet, that Sarah, straight as she may be. Amazing video, by the way. This song, not the gay people.
"Impulsive" by Wilson Phillips. I daresay that YOU do not know a bigger Wilson Phillips fan than myself. I will fully and readily admit that this self-titled album and "Time Love and Tenderness" by Michael Bolton are two CDs that most people would hide in shame, but I will gladly annoucned that I proudly own. I will now put on a white hood and stroll through Ensley.
Back in the 90s, if you were a guy, you were either in the Chyna Camp or in the Wendy Camp, like myself. Its not politically correct, or even nice, but is the honest truth to say no one, and I mean NO ONE was in Camp Carnie. Not a soul.
"The Story" by Brandi Carlile. Dunno why, but this song just hits me. Maybe you should play this song at my funeral, but don't show photos of me... show that Grey's Anatomy video that went along with it. Its much more interesting and flows better with the song than my life would.
"Dead and Bloated" by The Stone Temple Pilots. Said it before, will say it again... Scott Weiland, I'm glad he's clean and sober, if he is still, but he was so much better when he was stoned. He sang better. He performed better. He even looked cooler. I might shoot up before I do the next KidStuf performance, maybe I'll draw the crowds.
I have to admit, though, though I love the Pilots, and think "Core" is a pheeeeeenomonal album, the main reason this song is on this page is because I want someone to hear "I AM SMELLIN' LIKE A ROSE ON MY BIRTHDAY DEATHBED... I AM SMELLIN' LIKE A ROSE CAUSE I'M DEAD AND BLOATED!!!" when they pull my page up. Its so enchanting.
"My My My" by Johnny Gill. Let's face it. This song is about sex. I can't butter it up, I can't explain it away, you just have to know this song is about a guy who loves his chick so much, he just can't get over how hot she is. My my my, my my my my... your so doggone fine. Really, ain't that the way it should be? The Lovely Steph Leann... my my my, my my my my...
