The Idol X Championship

Okay, so we missed the performances... they were Tuesday night, airing about the time The Lovely Steph Leann and I were flying over Texas, then Mississippi, flying into Birmingham later in the evening.  It sat on our DVR all day today while she was at work and I was slingin' coffee.  And it sits on our DVR now, as we watch the DVR's finale of Celebrity Apprentice... I'm watching Marlee Matlin and John Rich duke it out, and as much as I enjoy this show, this is actually the first time I've ever watched the finale of Celebrity Apprentice all the way through to its conclusion.  I found out Piers Morgan, Joan Rivers and Bret Michaels were winners the day after... but I just saw John Rich (of "Big &...") take the crown.  Marlee Matlin didn't hear a thing.

Anyway, its time to watch some Idol... some American Idol... We'll get through the performances first, I believe three per Idol, then we'll get through the 2 hour finale in about 30 minutes (there is a lot of fast forwarding that will happen...)

(but before I get to the Idol shows, let me give you the scene... The Lovely Steph Leann watched both shows back to back earlier tonight.  I left The Cabana and headed over to the studio to record The Deucecast Ep VIII: Dead Man's Podcast, available for download on iTunes on Friday.  I got home and she was still zipping through the show, so I ran upstairs to sort laundry while she finished.  The show ended for her, I came back, she left me and went upstairs to bed, and I am now watching the ending to the very underrated, excellent "State of Play"... so as soon as this movie is finished, I'll start the Idols.)

Aaaaand....

THIS IS

THE AMERICAN IDOL FINALE PART UNO

We open the show with a video of an 8 year old Carrie Underwood, then smashcut to her winning a few years back.  The we see a similar video of David Cook as a youth, then see him winning.  Then we see videos of young Deep Voiced Scotty and America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina singing, then their auditions, then them now... I can see the comparisons between Carrie and America's Darlin' (and by comparison, I mean, they are both country chicks--I am in no way saying that America's Darlin' is anywhere near Carrie Underwood) but David Cook and Deep Voiced Scotty?  Not seeing it. 

Here are the judges, and here comes Seacrusty to tell us how important tonight is... which is a waste of time, really, because unless you just watching this show tonight for the first time, you know how important tonight is to the show--and who is going to pick the penultimate show of the Idol season to pick it up for the first time?

Rumors hit the interweb that America's Darlin's Lauren Alaina had strained one of her vocal cords, and apparently, My Next American Idol Haley Hotness was on standby, though if she were able to compete, and then won the show, how big of an asterisk would that have been? 

Each will sing three songs tonight

ROUND ONE -- FAVORITE SONG OF THE SEASON

Deep Voiced Scotty picks up the first song, with Montgomery Gentry's "Gone", done earlier this season.  I always felt bad for Montgomery Gentry, a duo who's heyday was in the 90s and early 2000s, and every year, they lost the "Duo of the Year" award at the ACMs and CMAs to Brooks and Dunn, who won like, 40 of them.  And now that Brooks and Dunn have broken up, it would be Montgomery Gentry's time... except, their time is... well, "Gone". 

Ha!

Eh, song was good. It was Deep Voiced Scotty. 

Up next is America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina, singing Carrie Underwood's "Flat on the Floor".  Not only does she almost do a Dr. Richard Kimble Dam Dive off the top step with a stumble (she catches herself), you can tell her voice is struggling to keep its tone.   Not bad.  Deep Voiced Scotty was better.

Judges remain quiet.

ROUND TWO -- OUR IDOL'S IDOLS PICK IDOL'S SONGS

Deep Voiced Scotty's Idol?  George Strait, who picked "Check Yes or No" as the song to sing.  Love it.  This is a great song, its cute, its fun and its perfect for our Idol Country Guy.  

Without the judges yapping and telling how how J-Lo loved it, and Randy the Dawg declaring that everyone is In It To Win It Dawg!!, this is going quite fast...

America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina's Idol is... Carrie Underwood.  If someone had told me when I started this post that the over/under on how many times I'll mention Carrie Underwood would be around 3,788, I would have laughed, but not anymore.  Seriously.

She's singing "Maybe It Was Memphis", from Pam Tillis, one of my Top Ten Favorite Country Songs of All Time.  This song is perfect for America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina, and I know every word of it, and I'm actually singing along.  This song is awesome!

Love it!  I have Pam Tillis' Greatest Hits on cassette...


She does, however, lose awesome points from that dress.  Only 7 swans and 3 labradoodles were injured in the making of that outfit.  Nevertheless, she jumps to the top of the music leaderboard.

Ah... now Seacrusty goes to the judges.... Randy the Dawg tells us that we chose these two (thanks Randy the Dawg!), and how even this is... he awards Round One to Deep Voiced Scotty, but Round Two to America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina.  J-Lo loved it.  All of it.  Every bit of it.   She agrees with Randy the Dawg on the Round Winners.  She must have also known we went to Disneyland this weekend, and in our honor, stole Ariel's dress. 

You should play a drinking game and go back and read the Idols posts from this year--take a shot of Jaeger every time I type "J-Lo loved it".  You'd be a full fledged alcoholic by Week 9, in a 12 step program by Week 6 and by the time you read last week's recaps, you'd be awaiting a liver transplant and Seattle Grace Mercy West because yours was so ravaged by the poison.  Just sayin'.

Crazy Creepy Uncle Steven Tyler awards both rounds to America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina, because "she's prettier than you are..."  Love the brilliance in judgement.

Taio Cruz singing the winning song in some competition that I ignored partly because of the debacle that produced the crap song "This is My Now" from a few years back, a contest they dropped altogether until this year.  Fast stinkin' forward.

ROUND THREE -- IF THEY WIN, THIS IS THEIR SINGLE.  THIS IS THEIR NOW.

This is the single that will be released if they win, a song that will launch the career of the Idol winner... and for Deep Voiced Scotty?  Its a song called "I Love You This Big", which would be perfect if...

...if you were singing out of a KID'S BOOK IN THE BARNES & NOBLE CHILDREN'S SECTION!!!

"I Love You This Big"?  What a horrible name for a song!  What a terrible name for a song!  This is a horrible song.  Like, this song sucks.  Now, granted, Deep Voiced Scotty is doing what he can with the materials given--he's singing it well... its just a crappy song.  Who writes these things?  Taio Cruz should have handed that other song over to Deep Voiced Scotty.

Its a passable single, but I hope he has better stuff on any album he has coming up.

Randy the Dawg is marveling at the song and Deep Voiced Scotty.   By the way, in that Jaeger challenge a few paragraphs back, take out the phrase "J-Lo loved it" and insert the phrase "Randy the Dawg just declared ____ IN IT TO WIN IT", and you have the same effect.  Back to Deep Voiced Scotty's song, J-Lo loved it.  Take a shot.  And Uncle Steven Tyler thought it was cool.

And finally, the last real performance of the season, America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina, who is singing "Like My Mother Does", a song that... well, sucks.  Can the Idol Writers not give the Idols a song faster than 2 beats per measure?  Does every original song have to be a stinkin' ballad? 

Kate Ward from EW says it best:  "Its bad enough that the producers handed America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina a number that would appeal to every speed-dialing mother and grandmother out there, but to choreograph a hug between Lauren and her mom?  I haven't felt this manipulated since Pepsi lured me into drinking the diesel-flavored Pepsi Spice through adorable holiday imagery!  Had the moment been impromptu, it would have been sweet and tear-worthy... but the produceers did not even try to hide the fact that it was planned.  By allowing Seacrusty to escort America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina to her mother's seat, Idol proved that America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina was the series' golden child.  Honestly, why even have a show tomorrow?"

The judges just went nuts--Randy the Dawg yelled and declared her the winner, while J-Lo loved it (take a shot!) and Steven Tyler raved.  They all three gave Round Three to America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina.

Yeesh.

My Rank of Performances:
1) "Maybe It Was Memphis" -- America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina
2) "Check Yes or No" -- Deep Voiced Scotty
3) "Gone" -- Deep Voiced Scotty
4) "Flat on the Floor" --America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina
9-tie) "I Love You This Big" -- Deep Voiced Scotty
9-tie) "Like My Mother Does" -- America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina

Part of me wants to Deep Voiced Scotty to win if only because his unbearable single is a little more bearable than America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina's unbearable single...

AND NOW... YOUR WINNER...

AMERICAN IDOL FINALE PART DOS

The required video showing all 4 billion people who tried out, and our 2 that remain, plus quick clips of last nights (or earlier tonight) performances...

Just because she hasn't been mentioned in weeks, its
Pickles!  She said she loved both Idols, but she was
supporting Scotty...

Seacrusty opens the show, telling us all of the performances that will probably be fast forwarded tonight.  Get ready.  Seacrusty then tells us that last night, there was a record setting 300 billion votes, and over the season, there have been something like 45 cowellzillion votes--so many votes, they actually had to make up a name for the number.

Actually, the number he quoted was three-quarters of a billion, and then he tells us that is about 2 votes for every person living in America... and I love the fact that like, four people clapped.  Seeing his stat tanked, he calls for the fans of each Idol to give it up, and they do.  The judges are introduced, and now, here is America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina and Deep Voiced Scotty McCreery!

All of the Idols come back to perform Lady Gaga's "Born This Way"... is it bad that I don't remember some of these people?  Fast forward.

Commercial break.  Fast forward.

I'm sure that The Straight Adam Lambert is thinking it is awesome that he's performing with rockers Judas Priest, but I don't know if he knows that somewhere in this world, the surviving members of Freddie Mercury's estate just realized what happened to that studded, chain filled outfit that Freddie used to wear to the gay clubs, and was mysteriously lost.  Fast forward.

Funny video highlighting Randy the Dawg and the fact that his vocabulary stretches to about 30 words in its entirety, including the words, "Yo", "What's happening in here" and "In it to win it!". 

The Soulful Jacob Lusk and Kirk Frankiln now come out, which explains The Lovely Steph Leann's text from earlier:  "What gospel singer would you want to see perform on Idol?" 

Funny thing about Kirk Franklin--and I'm not knocking the guy, I think he's awesome, and I've even seen him in concert--but he's like the P. Diddy (Puff Daddy?  P. Diddy Money?  Diddy Kong?  Sean Hall?) of the gospel scene... he never sings, he just says random phrases like, "Come on Lord help me!" and "I know you feeling it right now!" and "Whatchoo say" and "Whatchoo say" and "Throw yo hands up whatchoo say". 

Gladys Knight, sans any Pips, just came out and added to the song, and to be honest, I actually enjoyed that. 

Commercial!  Fast forward.

We're back, and its The Eliminated Casey A, singing "Fat Bottomed Girls"!  Speaking of Queen... ha!  And who is with him?  Jack Black!  What... what?  Awesome.

Even without The Eliminated Casey A and Jack Black, this song is just so great, I don't care how mysoginistic it sounds.  And this version?  Fantastic.  Loved it.  This might be the best song of the season... and I mean, the whole season.   If anything, I think The Eliminated Casey A is having more fun than he's had this entire show, and maybe than anyone has on this show this year.

All the eliminated chicks from Idol are doing "Put a Ring on It" .  Fast forward until Beyonce actually comes out, in which they do "Crazy In Love", which I completely dig, as its my favorite B song.  Even Naokeem Arakpo can't ruin this. 

Commercial Break.  Fast forward.

Back, and now we see a Steven Tyler video.  Lots of bleeps and blanked out gestures, random words put together that make no sense, and lots of "if that wasn't Steven Tyler saying it, we'd be sued for sexual harassment" moments.

Interesting.  Tony Bennett singing with My Next American Idol Haley Hotness, who looks ravishing in her silver dress.  And give it up, she's holding her own with Tony Bennett.  That is a moment.

Another video, this time focusing on J-Lo, with lots of clips of guys who are all about some Jennifer Lopez.  Lots and lots of crushes.  Plus, the infamous too-short dress shot.  And The Lucky Casey A giving J-Lo a smooch on the cheek. 

Another performance featuring the eliminated ladies of Idol, with Lil Jon (that makes TWO reality shows that I've seen him on in the same day... odds on that?  40,000:1 before today) and... TLC?  What?  Actually, they are only TC, and L died a few years ago.  So, we get a smattering of TLC hits like "Scrubs" and one of The Lovely Steph Leann's favorite tunes, "Waterfalls".  Fast forward. 

Deep Voiced Scotty and Tim McGraw.  This has to be a seminal moment for Scotty McCreery--I mean, Tim McGraw?  With "Live Like You Were Dying", a song that I truly enjoy.  So, no fast forwarding.  I almost feel like Tim came on the show because Kris Allen had "Live Like Your Dying" last year, and Tim wanted to show American Idol that "This is how you sing a life perspective song... I went skyyyyy diving... I went rocky mountain climbing..."

No lie, for the longest time, I thought he went 2.7 seconds and grew a fu manchu.  I never understood what the 2.7 seconds had to do with a terrible mustache until one day it just finally clicked.  Thanks EZLyrics online! 

Good performance.

Commerical.  Fast forward.

So far, I've pretty much enjoyed several of the musical performances tonight... and now, we see a video of bad performances, bad moves and pratfalls from this past season...

Mark Anthony practically making out with wife J-Lo onstage.  Fast forward.

And another video, this time an entertaining one featuring the Idols discussing being eliminated.  The Eliminated Casey A, Blinky James and Stefano Italiano are hilarious, poking fun at one another.  The Peepee Tuscany shows up, wearing a sash that says, "Most Shocking", which actually brings an audible laughter out of me.



Tom Jones with a blank stare... because that is just
about all he can do



And now, the Idols guys song.  Stefano Italiano butchering "Kiss" by Prince, a classic.  How dare you.  Fast forward as I realize its a Tom Jones medley--"Delilah", "Green Green Grass of Home", "Love Me Tonight", "What's New Pussycat" and others. 

Here comes Tom Jones himself, looking like he got the Kenny Rogers Botox--meaning only the bottom part of your face is capable of moving, with everything from mid-cheek up frozen as if its carbonite. 
Commercial break--fast forward.

Ford Music Video--fast foward.

Deep Voiced Scotty and America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina handing keys to a couple of chicks that I am sure I would know who they are if I had watched the previous video... and then, Seacrusty tells the Idols they have been awarded any Ford vehicle they choose.

Now, Lady Gaga--fast forward.

Is this Princess Amidala... or Lady Gaga?
YOU be the judge

I feel like I would enjoy Gaga's warddrobe more if Princess Amidala hadn't done it already in the Star Wars prequels.  Just sayin'.

Commercial break--fast forward.

Back, with America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina singing... you guessed it, Carrie Underwood.  Its "Before He Cheats", a song that The Lovely Steph Leann loves so much its kinda scary.  Like, I can imaging her dragging her keys down my pretty little souped up Kia Soul...  anyway, here comes Carrie Underwood.  Fast forward.

Funny video with the eliminated Idols making fun of how young Deep Voiced Scotty and America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina are. 

And now, debuting her new single, Beyonce!  Fast forward!

Commercial break.  Fast forward.

The end is near, I feel it.

So, now we have some guy singing a song from the Broadway musical "Spiderman: Turn Off the Dark", featuring the song's composers, Bono and The Edge.  With this musical being so panned, being a financial disaster and having nothing but problems, I wouldn't have picked this show to be featured.  On a funnier note, can you imagine hanging out with The Edge?  "Hey, The Edge, where do you want to eat lunch?" or "Where is the remote?  Oh, The Edge, its by you..." or "Can you pass the collard greens, The Edge?"  Love it.

Fast forward through that song and the commercial to follow.

Steven Tyler's song was about to get a fast forward, until I realized it's "Dream On"... though its kinda amusing, and in some ways sad, at how old he sounds... "eery tyy.. i look an a meeee urrr... passss gaaa cleaaaahhh..." 

I imagine this exchange with the producers:

Producer 1:  We need to get Steven to sing a song
Producer 2:  I'll bet he will want to sing that new crap he just put out
Producer 1:  Tell him no way.  He sings "Sweet Emotion" or "Dream On" or even "Walk This Way"
Producer 2:  What if he wants to do a medley of an old song and his new crap?
Producer 1:  Nope.  He gets one minute. 

And he got about one minute for "Dream On"... though it might be that his voice couldn't hold up...

Commercial break... fast forward.

And so now, the next American Idol.  Deep Voiced Scotty stares intently, while America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina looks as if she's about to pass out.

Seacrusty asks for the final dimming of the lights...

And your winner is...

Scotty McCreery, who keels over with his face scrunched up as he fights back tears.  Surprisingly enough, America's Darlin' Lauren Alaina looks perfectly content with it, like she's just glad its over. 

Its been a great season, about 4000% better than last season that gave us Lee DeWyze winning over Crystal Bowersox... the talent pool ran much deeper, and by the last half of the season, I could have seen Blinky James, or Casey Abrams, of course Lauren or even Haley Reinhart winning it... and whats more, I liked most of them.  When it got down to the final six or so, I didn't want any of them eliminated, because I liked them all too much...

But all in all, America made the right choice, and I have contended all season that country music will embrace him fully, in the way that they embraced Carrie... he probably won't have the kind of success that Carrie has had, but if he has the kind of success that Dierks Bentley or even Blake Shelton had, then he will do alright for himself.

And... well, thats that.

...And Lee is None DeWyzer (Idol IX Finale 2)

So here's last night's recap show...

And here we are.  Seven hours of fluff to give us 12 seconds of news.  Rock on.

THIS IS THE AMERICAN

IDOL

FINALEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sez Amarylis By Morning (up from san antone):  American Idol 10 (its Season 9-d$) is the biggest snoozer since Jordan Sparks won it. There is zero anticipation for me.

8p... Yes, this show started at 7pm tonight, and yes, its 8pm, and we just started.  The Lovely Steph Leann and I decided on dinner first, and we headed to The Purple Onion over here on 280.  The owner of our favorite location on Hwy 31 is apparently owning this one too, because he was sitting there in the cafe.  And it was awesome.  I love me some Purp'O, and I'm happy a great location has opened up less than 3 miles from The Cabana, instead of the 10+ mile trek we have to usually make.

The judges are introduced, and The Lovely Steph Leann's first question:  "What in the bejeebers is Randy Jackson wearing??"

8:04p... The finalists come down the steps, and we both notice that Lee and Crystal are all wearing Preparatory Outfits.  We are confused, until the Top 12 are introduced and I realize they are doing "School's Out" by Alice Cooper.  Glee this ain't.

About to fast forward through the group song when I notice none other than Alice Cooper himself, Christ Follower (no, seriously) and staunch Republican, come out.

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:08p... About to fast forward through Kris Allen and The Lovely Steph Leann tells me to put down the remote as he is about to sing his new single, "The Truth".  As Seacrest sends it to Kris, and Kris begins, we still hear Seacrest and some backstage chick talking.  Really, Fox?  Your the biggest show in the country for what, 7 years running?  Get this right.

8:11p... A montage of Simon Cowell clips, as this is his final Idol.  Many of these audition clips I actually remember.  A great appearance of Paula the Flake... I miss Paula. 

8:13p... Siobhan Magnus and Aaron Kelly.  Doing us the Bee Gees. 

8:13p... The Lovely Steph Leann tells me I can fast forward, but I'm intrigued by the fact that Siobhan and Aaron are singing "How Deep Is Your Love"... and then , the curtain rises, and out comes Barry Gibb, and another guy I can only assume is another Gee.   The last time Barry Gibb was on this show was really, really bad... a few seasons back, they did Bee Gees week, and Barry performed "To Love Somebody", and it was so bad, so terribly bad, that years later, I still randomly break out with a "there's a.light.  some kinda light." in mockery--and it still sounds better than that night.

8:16p... Barry Gibb sounds marginally better

8:16p... The camera pans to David Hasselhoff in the audience.  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "There's The Hoff!  He's in every one of these finales!  The camera just finds him!"

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:18p... Big Mike comes out, singing a song that I cannot place... I don't know the lyrics, but I know the music... what is it... what is it....

8:19p... "Takin' It to the Streets"!  And here comes Michael McDonald!  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I still have a hard time realizing this guy is white..."

8:20p... Michael McDonald is awesome.  "Sweet Freedom" from the '86 Billy Crystal/Gregory Hines piece of crap "Running Scared" was awesome.  "Keep Forgettin'" was awesome.  His lead on "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers.  Awesome. 

8:22p... I have a hard time disliking Dane Cook.  I only say that because he's now onstage singing a comedic song dedicated to Simon.  Most people I know aren't Dane Cook fans, and certainly, if you've ever seen "Good Luck Chuck", you'll know why.  However, his movie "Employee of the Month", as terrible as it is, I'll watch it everytime its on, and laugh all the same.  Anyway, this Dane Cook bit tonight?  Pretty crappy.

Fast forward through commercials

8:25p... Lacey Brown singing Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful".  In the first five notes, we are reminded why she was kicked out in Week 12.  We fast forward through, til we see Xtina herself appear, leading the group in "Stronger"

8:26p... Christina Aguilera sings a new song.  We fast forward.

8:27p... Ricky Gervais appears via satellite to say goodbye to Simon the Cowell. 

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:29p... Lee DeWyze is on stage to sing Hall & Oates "I Can't Go For That (no can do)", which sounds really, really good.  It sounded great til Andrew Garcia joined him.  Casey James then leads us to "Maneater".  Now I'm wondering if Hall & Oates will make an appearance.  That would rule.

8:30p... Aaron Kelly singing this song is funny, because you know he has no concept of what this song even is, and who the artists are.  And he wouldn't even get the joke 'Ah, its Jeffrey Dahmer's theme song'. 

8:31p... HALL AND OATES!!!!!  I just told The Lovely Steph Leann that if they came anywhere near here, I'd totally go see them.  And they start singing "You Make My Dreams Come True".  About three lines in, The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up and says, "Dude.  Darryl Hall.  You are obviously too old for this."

8:32p... Law #8,878 I'm forcing through when I become president in 2028... John Oates is required to sport his 80s 'stache at all times.  At all times.  Shaving it is a punishable fine of $100,000 and/or up to ten years in maximum security prison.  Just sayin'.

8:34p... Crystal Bowersox comes out and sings "Ironic".   And then, as now expected, Alanis Morrisette herself comes out, starting out with "You Oughta Know".  How can I fast forward through this darn show when I actually want to watch the performances!?   Crystal changes a key line in the song, "Would she go down with you to the theater".  You know your old when you see that line, and immediately know what the original line is.  Hey, "Jagged Little Pill" was a college icon album for me, one of those "what CDs would you take with you to a deserted island" kind of albums.  Even The Lovely Steph Leann likes this CD, which is saying something, because a rocker chick she ain't.

8:36p... Alanis/Crystal duet.  AWESOME.  The Lovely Steph Leann is even singing along to "You Oughta Know".

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:42p... The Lovely Steph Leann and I have this quick, spirited discussion about whether "Jagged Little Pill" was a rock album or not.  I say yes, she says it was more alternative, to which I say, "Yes, alt rock."  I'm right.  Again

8:42p... Carrie Underwood comes out.  She's singing "Undo", a song I'm not a huge fan of.  I like Carrie, though, because she really shows how appreciative of Idol--she comes back all the time, and shows her gratitude frequently.  Unlike Kelly Clarkson, who seems like she wants to forget Idol is the reason she has a career.

8:44p... Typing that last paragraph, almost missed fast forwarding through the Ford Commercial.  Made it, though!

8:45p... Casey James introduced singing "Every Rose Has its Thorn", which makes me throw my hands up, saying "Bret Michaels is coming out!  Yeah!!"  How can you not like this guy, and this song?  Seriously.

8:47p... Okay, so Bret Michaels is having the best year ever.  I mean, "Rock of Love", "Rock of Love 2", "Skank of Love", "Rock of Love Bus", "Venereal Disease of Love 5" and all those shows, while it make him a punchline of sorts, made him relevant again.  And then, with the Celebrity Apprentice having such a great season this year (and it was awesome) and him doing so well, plus his medical issues--don't get me wrong, I don't wish ill on him at all, but everyone has felt for him, and learned to love him... he can do just about anything right now.

8:50p... Lee DeWyze is out now, joining the band Chicago for a medley of hits.  If I were to even think about fast forwarding, The Lovely Steph Leann would be on the phone with Brad J. Latta, Atty at Law, discussing divorce.  She loves loves loves her some Chicago.  Even the old crap. 

8:52p... Reality hits bigtime, as they start "If You Leave Me Now", and I say, "They sound unfortunate".  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Yeah, they sound a little like Hall & Oates.  Maybe Lee should sing the whole time..."

8:54p... Another Simon montage.  Then Seacrest says the magic words... "Pants On The Ground".  The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up, "Ohmigosh... they are actually doing this song on the stage?  Oh dear..."  They bring out the barely alive Bee Gees, then redeem themselves with Alanis, then a little off-key Hall & Oates, which I still love, and then they go all awesome with Michael McDonald and Bret Michaels.  And now?  The Pants guy... and William Hung.  No joke.

Fast Forward through Commercials

8:59p... Remember, we started this at 8pm, and we've got 30 minutes left to get through.  Another Simon montage... and here's Paula the Flake herself, looking absolutely gorgeous for the first time since, I dunno, 1994 and the "Rush Rush" video...

9:02... And now that she's talking, and I remember why I call her "Paula the Flake".  I'd like to think she's stumbling and bumbling because she's not reading from a prompter, but I can almost guarentee that she IS reading from a prompter... and she still sounds like this. 

9:05p... So, I guess the producers said, "Hey, Lee and Crystal can sing... but they have no personality... lucky for us we can concentrate on Simon's leaving and make the finale about that!   Hey, someone call Shady Oakes Retirement Village in Irvine and see if Barry Gibbs and John Oates and that singer from Chicago are available next week!"

9:07p... Here comes Kelly Clarkson!  And then Ruuuuuuben!  And Fantasia!  And then Carrie!  And then Taylor!  And now Jordin!  And now Kris!   Where's David Cook?? 

9:08p... They are doing a song that's something about "look what we've become..." or something.  I'm happy to see Kelly Clarkson here, though she looks like "I really don't want to do this..."  Anyway, the Idol winners are dressed in black, and out walks, in white, a ton of former Idol standouts, like Blake Lewis, David Archuleta, Ace Young, Mikaylah Gordon (okay, I said standout, but I guess anyone can come), Jason Castro, and.... PICKLES!!!  I love Pickles.

9:11p.... "Hey, fellow producer, let's remind America that this show CAN be great!  Let's get a whole bunch of former Idols up there to remind America what we've done!" 

9:12p... Simon gets up, says a few words, and gets misty eyed

Fast forward through commercials

9:13p... The Top 12 start out with "Again" by Janet Jackson, a lovely little ditty that I have on cassette singles.  And of course, here comes Janet... I do love this song.  My favorite Janet songs, starting with 5, is "Escapade"... 4) "Again"... 3) "The Best Things in Life Are Free", a duet with the late, great Luther Vandross from The Dave100 movie "Mo' Money"... 2) "Miss You Much"... and my favorite Janet song is "Love Will Never Do (without you)".  I love that tune.

9:15p... As Janet Jackson sings solo, we have this exchange:
Me: Ya know, she sounds a lot like Michael did towards his end there
The Lovely Steph Leann:  That's exactly what I was thinking!!!  I almost wonder if maybe she was doing his singing...

9:17p... I fast forward for just about 4 seconds before I stop it, realizing she's going to another song... and when I realize its "Nasty", I just set the remote down.  That's right.  Don't call me baby.  Its Janet, Jackson, if you're nasty.

9:20p... Seacrest:  Tonight... its about Lee and Crystal
Me:  No, no its not.  Its about Simon
The Lovely Steph Leann:  Lee who?  Who's Crystal?

9:22p... Lee and Crystal come out together to sing "A Little Help from My Friends", as made famous by The Beatles, but popularized by Joe Cocker on my #2 favorite tv show of all time, "The Wonder Years", recently supplanted from the top spot by "LOST".  And on cue, Joe Cocker comes out to sing a little.  And I think he just missed a line.  But man, he can still wail, even at the ripe old age of 104.

9:25p... After a brief debate on The Beatles version vs Joe Cocker's version, I go to the source.  Wikipedia.  Lennon and McCartney did it in 1967, but Cocker did a radically different version in '68, one that he performed at Woodstock, and it went on to be the version used by "The Wonder Years". 

Fast forward through commercials

Its 9:25p.  There is about 6 minutes left recorded on the show.  We are now concerned that we will miss the winner, unless Seacrest gets to it.

Its 9:27p... Dim the lights!  After the nationwide vote... the winner and new American Idol is...

...is...

...is...

...Lee DeWyze.

Okay, so there's that.

Lee is emotional, and its kinda sweet to see him almost speechless.  They pan to the judges and Simon looks bored, like he knows the wrong person won (and really... after last night, Crystal should have won this)  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "He should be bored and ready to leave.  Lee shouldn't have won... that should have been Crystal."

The Lovely Steph Leann is not upset at Lee's win because she doesn't think he's good enough, she's upset at Lee's win because "We needed a female to win.  Suck it." 

And what a fitting phrase to end a disappointing season of Idol.  Suck it.  Well said, The Lovely Steph Leann, well said.

Sons Of Sylvia - You already know them! (Video)

When the band "Sons Of Sylvia" took the stage on last nights "American Idol" I knew they looked familiar. All it took was seeing the way the mandolin player stood while he played.

Where had I seen this group before?

Then it hit me. These guys are the "Clark Brothers" from the Idol knockoff "Next Great American Band" broadcast in 2007. The sound was the same, their hair may be a bit shorter, but the style and sound was all there.

It seems that after the win on "American Band" they briefly signed a record deal but were later plucked by Carrie Underwood to perform on a track for her new album. Underwood later asked the brothers to front them on her 2010 road tour.

In October 2009, the brothers Ashley, Austin and Adam Clark were signed by "Interscope/19 Entertainment" for a record and management deal and emerged as "Sons of Sylvia". Yes, their mothers name is Sylvia and their father is a preacher.

Wait a minute, 19 Entertainment?

That's the big production company behind the "American Idol" franchise. Now it made sense how they ended up on Idol next to "Rascal Flatts" and "Shakira". It seems Hollywood may be a smaller world then anyone ever imagined.

Brother Austin summed it up well:

"I can't believe it's happening. It feels like a childhood dream as far as start a band, get a record out and being on tour. All of this is actually happening. I wake up every day baffled."

The brothers have a new and impressive website at "Sons Of Sylvia" and their first album "Revelation" that was just released on April 27.

The brothers may have blossomed into a hit rock band, but they will always be "The Clark Brothers" to me.

Watch Video Of "Sons Of Sylvia" On "American Idol"


_

Idol Inspires... and Gives Back

Here I am, its a Wednesday night.  Idol Gives Back is already on, but I haven't seen the performance show.  Its 10 after 7, and I planned it that way.  I'm about to pick up the remote, and watch the performances... then immediately go to the Idol Gives Back show, though I'm not sure we'll see any results this time... when they did this a few years back, they didn't eliminate anyone, they just combined that weeks votes with the following week and dropped 2 people. 

I want to be able to fast forward through some of these performances if desired... so its easier while watching it on DVR.  I have the power, oh yes, I have... the power. 

THIS

IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

Its "Inspirational Song" week here on Idol, but don't think you'll be hearing stuff from Amy Grant or Third Day or Stevie Curt Chapman... no, this is when you just pick songs that... well, inspire you.  Personally, if I were a singer and on Idol, I do one of two songs:

"Standing Outside the Fire." by Garth Brooks.  I think its the video of the Downs kid running on the track team that does it for me.  Oh, and Garth just looks cool with fire all around him.

OR


"Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield.  I do this one only if I were a chick.  Which I'm not.  Digressing....

Its our Top Seven singing this week... Big Mike, C'Bosox, Tim-may, Aaron, CJ, Lee De and Siobhan.  And mentoring them this week?  Alicia Keys.  Okay, so, have you ever heard the song "Falling"?  I'm sure you have... it was every other song on the radio some years back... and don't get me wrong, her voice is absolutely beautiful and haunting... but "Falling" is a terribly written song.  Just my two cents.  Who said "Fergalicious?"  Shut up.

CJ is up first.  Your first clue that this week is not "Inspirational" but "Songs That Make You Feel Good" is that Casey James is doing "Don't Stop", the classic by Fleetwood Mac.  This is one of my least favorite Fleetwood Mac songs... personally, I'm a big fan of "Gypsy", "Rhiannon" and "Say You Love Me"... though who doesn't love "Go Your Own Way", especially because of the bitterness behind it--let's face it, everyone slept with everyone in that group.

Randy says the song was good, but not the best.  Cindy Jo disagrees.  She would vocalize it, except for the drooling.  America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeGeneres busts out a real critique... "You have to be great, and I don't think anyone is going to remember that tomorrow".  Kara the New Hotness is frustrated because he's better than that.  Simon the Cowell says he wasn't inspired at all.  And I can agree with that.

Lee DeWyze is doing Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer", which you'd know because it goes "Li la li... (crash) li la li li li la la la la li (crash).  I like that song, but for me, you can't beat "Sounds of Silence" and "Hazy Shade of Winter" (though I prefer The Bangles 1987 version from the Andrew McCarthy/Jami Gertz/RDJr masterpiece of drugginess, "Less Than Zero").  Yes, yes, "Mrs Robinson" is good too.

What is this song about?  Its about overcoming loneliness and poverty in New York City.  So sez Wikipedia.

Randy the Dawg really liked it.  Ellen DeG says it was great, the best of the night so far.  Kara the New Hotness says Lee has his moment tonight.  Simon says that two performances in, it was the best of the night... and then says it was sincere, emotional and inspirational.

Timmy Urban is doing "Better Days" by The Goo Goo Dolls, one of those bands that, almost 20 years later, they keep putting out likable songs.  My personal favorite?  "Black Balloon", though I've admitted that I haven't a clue what its about... didn't stop me from ranking it as one of the saddest songs ever. 

"Slide", however, is a great, great driving song.

Tim-may Urban is having, shall we say, pitch problems.  Randy says it was just so-so.  Ellen DeG compares him to soup that sometimes she likes and sometimes she doesn't... and tonight, she didn't.  Kara the New Hotness didn't like it.  Simon the Cowell is finding it difficult to believe in him, and thinks it was a step back.

Oh dear.  Oh dear, oh dear... "I Believe I Can Fly" by R. Kelly is what Aaron Kelly chose.  Directly from the soundtrack to the groundbreaking motion picture "Space Jam".  You know how some people have said they've never seen Star Wars?  Well, I've never seen "Space Jam".  I'm okay with that.

You know which song I like by R. Kelly?  "Ignition (remix)".  That song rules.  Especially when I start singing to The Lovely Steph Leann, "No I'm not tryin to be rude, but hey pretty girl I'm feelin you the way you do the things you do, remind me of my Lexus coup..." though by the time I get five words into it, she's already given me a stern look. 

Aaron Kelly's version was terrible.  I don't know what Randy the Dawg is hearing, liking it, but wow.  That was dreadful.  Ellen DeG believes Aaron can fly.  Kara the New Hotness loved it.  Simon the Cowell admires the guts to take on that song, but didn't like the performance at all. 

Do you want to know Whitney Houston's worst song?  And Mariah Carey's worst song ever?  Its the same song.  And Siobhan Magnus is doing it tonight... from "The Prince of Egypt", its "When You Believe".  I hate this song, I really do.  I really, really do.

Okay, I'll say this... she's got a great voice.  She sings the song decent enough. But this song... is just terrible.  Just terrible.  I miss the Siobhan from the early weeks of the show... its like she listened to her own hype and wanted to morph into something more "radio friendly", and by doing so, lost what made her awesome. 

Randy the Dawg didn't like it all that much.  Ellen DeG loved it.  Kara the New Hotness said "Technically, it was good.  But it was theatrical".  Simon didn't like it either. 

Big Mike is doing "Hero" by Chad Kroeger.  Once again, from a movie, this time from "Spiderman".  Is this "Song That Make You Feel Good" or "Songs That Come From Movies But Also Make You Feel Good" Week?

Not a huge fan, but after this night, its the almost the best of the junk.

Randy the Dawg liked it.   Ellen DeG liked it.  Kara the New Hotness didn't like it.  Simon the Cowell said it was sung well, and comments that it was from Spiderman.

And in the pimp spot. Crystal Bowersox is ready to blow us all away. I heard she was doing "People Get Ready", and immediately I thought of Crystal Lewis Rapture-Jam, "People Get Ready (Jesus is coming)" and I was all pumped.

Well, this is actually the version from the 60s by The Impressions.  The first verse is sung acapella and Oh Em Gee.  Wow.  Wow.  Wow wow wow.

Sans instrument for the first time, she just blows it away.  And she ends up crying at the end.  And it was so freaking awesome, I'm doing something that I haven't done all year... I'm rewinding it to watch it again. 

Sometimes you see a performance that is just... well, magical.  Amazing.  Unbelievable.  And tonight, Crystal Bowersox just did one of those, one that will be tossed into the ranks when they do those "Best Idol Performances Ever" lists. 

Randy the Dawg says "That was unbelievable" and gives her a standing O.  Ellen DeG says she's beautiful and loved the song.  And DVR cuts out before I hear Kara the New Hotness and Simon speak, but I can only assume they went nuts too.  I just did. 

Tonight...  Crystal Bowersox.  Everyone else didn't matter.

Coming quickly... watching Idol Gives Back...

And here we go...

To give us a heading of how great this show is going to be, its He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected and The First Lady, Michelle.   I just threw up in my mouth.

THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL

GIVES BACK!!!!

I wonder when He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected will start giving back... taxes, maybe?  Personal freedoms?  Government control?  I'll stop before I start kicking things around The Cabana living area.

Seacrest reminds us we can make a difference.  I'm wondering what the over/under is on how many times i'm going to fast forward tonight?  Plus 400? 

Seacrest is hosting, but Queen Latifah is co-hosting over in Pasadena.  I used to totally dig her talk show when it was on.  Tonight... the Black Eyed Peas!  Carrie Underwood!  Joss Stone!  Annie Lennox!  More!  Yeah!

The time is 8:30, so I wonder how fast I'll shoot through this 2 hour show.  Mary J. Blige and Alicia Keys are here tonight too!

Fast forward through the Top 12 reunited (and it feels so good) group song

Fast forward through Jennifer Garner's report on what Idol Gives Back has done for Kentucky

Fast forward through Posh Spice and Seacrest

Fast forward through commercials

Fast forward through Capt Sulley's pleading for Idol Gives Back

Seacrest banters with Jonah Hill and Russell Brand.  Not a funny bit.

The Top Seven sit on the Couch of Anxiety, all dressed in white as per usual Idol Gives Back dress code.  Siobhan Magnus isn't used to such bright happiness.

Back over to Queen Latifah, who introduces The Black Eyed Peas.  I'm completely alone in my chair, and out loud I just said "What the freak is Fergie wearing?"  This song is a prime example of artists who sound great on the radio and in studio but onstage... uh... not really...

Fast forward through The Black Eyed Peas rockin' that body

Todd Bridges is in the audience.  How did he get there?  Shouldn't he be parking cars?

Fast forward through Malaria's greatest hits

Fast forward through commercials

Finally... some results.  I thought they might push back an elimination until next week, but nay nay.  And in another only slightly funny bit, George Lopez is onstage.  Let's dim the lights. 

Lopez then walks to the judges, as if one of them is getting voted off.  He then takes some great shots at both Randy and Kara the New Hotness... Lopez then takes another shot at Kara's affections for Casey James, which then the camera pans to CJ, who grimaces.  He didn't like that at all. 

Seacrest then introduces Lopez as "Erik Estrada", which made me laugh out loud.

Fast forward through the Ford commercial

Now, really dim the lights.  CJ and Crystal Bowersox join Seacrest in the middle of the stage.  CJ looks grim, he knows he's in the Bottom Three or Two or whatever they'll do.  He's standing next to C'Bosox.  And in shocking news, Casey James heads to the Silver Stools of Shame, Crystal Bowersox lives to fight another day.

Aaron Kelly and Lee DeWyze come to the middle... which puts Aaron Kelly in the Bottom Three.  By the way, I called that while Seacrest was still talking.   Aaron heads to the Silver Stools of Shame.

Back to Queen Latifah, lets hear...

No, Fast forward through Jeff Beck and Joss Stone

Fast forward through dying mothers in Africa

Fast forward through commercials and Ban Ki-Moon, the Sect General of the U.N.  Yeah, thats how you get me to donate.  Put the U.N. support behind it.  You could have gotten Bernie Madoff and I would have given it more creedence.

And now, Morgan Freeman.  Can I just tell ya, I think he grand kids must have the absolute best time during story hour with Grandpa.   

Fast forward through Mississippi's poverty kids

Fast forward through Alicia Keys

Fast forward through commercials

Seacrest banters again with Russell Brand and Jonah Hill.  Jim Carrey makes an appearance... and seriously, he looks OLD.  And why break up with Jenny McCarthy?  Wow.

Queen Latifah introduces Carrie Underwood, singing the song "Change".  This strikes me as a song that is going to inspire me, and they'll probably show video of kids.  She looks ravishing... but...

Fast forward through Carrie Underwood.  No background montages of kids, I'm guessing Carrie is too big of a star to have the camera not on her now.

Fast forward through Hungry People montage

Fast forward through a bunch of poverty stricken kids in church

Fast forward through commercials

Fast forward through Bill and Melinda Gates

Fast forward through who I consider one of the least funny people in America, Wanda Sykes

Back to results.  Siobhan, Timmy and Big Mike join Seacrest in the center of the stage.  One will head to the Silver Stools of Shame.  Siobhan is safe.  She goes back to the Couch of Safety.  Big Mike is safe.  Timmy Urban goes over to the Silver Stools of Shame, joining Aaron Kelly and CJ

Fast forward through David Cook

Fast forward through poor kids in Ethiopia

Fast forward through commercials

Fast forward through Annie Lennox in Africa

Fast forward through Annie Lennox, still in Africa

Fast forward through Annie Lennox singing.  She might still be in Africa, who knows.   Her song, "No More I Love You"... one of the Top Ten Worst Songs in the History of the World, in my opinion.  Just saying.

Fast forward through commercials

And we're back.  Its 9:07, and I've gone through 1:52 in just over 30 minutes... back to Queen Latifah and a bunch of others singing "Stairway to Heaven"

Fast forward through Queen Latifah and a bunch of others singing "Stairway to Heaven"

And I fast forwarded right to the end of the DVR recording.  Its 9:09, and I quickly go to Fox 6 to see who gets kicked off... and the show is still going.  Queen Latifah is standing with Sir Elton John, who doesn't look much older than Jim Carrey that we saw early.

Elton John sits to sing "Your Song"

Fast forward through... wait... crap.  I'm watching this live.

Tis okay, though... I can handle this one.  I dig early Elton, before we all knew he was singing to a guy.  I do like that Elton John is on the show, even though he called the show "incredibly racist" after a Season Three Bottom Three featured black contestants Jennifer Hudson, LaToya London and Fantasia (Jennifer Hudson went home).

And a commercial shows that Kristin Chenoweth to be coming back to "Glee" soon.  Looks like I might be watching "Glee" again.  If Kristin Chenoweth was on a show called "An Hour of Watching Leaves Dry", I'd watch it. 

Aaron Kelly is safe, by the way.  I think Timmy Urban is done for the season.

And.... as usual, I'm right. 

Because they were pressed for time, I'm sure, as its now 9:24, they don't even let Tim Urban sing the final song.  They show his "journey" clips, and then cut out.  And thats it for Idol Gives Back.

Okay, okay, here's the number to donate if you want... 1-877-IDOL AID and here's the link if you want to donate.

Idol's Final Results

Well, its 1034pm, I just came in the door after doling out magic for the better part of 8 hours and, thusfar, have made it successfully upstairs to talk to The Lovely Steph Leann before she goes to sleep, back downstairs to check my email and over to Clouds in My Coffee without finding out who won. MZ texted me and told me that the show was really good, and my reply was, "Don't tell me nothing! I can't watch it until at least 10 or 11!" Luckily she complied...

So... let's start, in real time...

BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL'S SEASON FINALE!!!

10:36p... Seacrest stands between The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, both dressed in solid white. Sure to be lots of former Idols in the audience, lots of celebs in the audience, there's a Courtney Cox sighting...

10:38p... The judges are introduced, with Randy Jackson, Randy the Dawg, busting up with this big red bow tie. I want to wear a bow tie one day. Its like some accessories... it works for some people, for others, its a disaster... just like The Lovely Steph Leann can wear a hat in church. She knows how to wear it, she looks good, I've heard other people say, "No one can wear a hat like Stephanie Dollar". I wonder if I can do a bow tie.

10:40p... Next is Kara DioGuardi, Kara the New Hotness. There's been some speculation as to whether she's necessary, or needed, or anyone likes her. I thought she was great. And yes, I think she's quite attractive.

10:41p... Up next is Paula Abdul, aka, Paula the Flake. Paula the Blubberer. Paula the Blitherer. Paula the Droolin' Hoobernoogin. That would be our lovely Paula. I've been over how she was awesome back in the day, so I won't go into that, but I will say... she makes me laugh so much. Not just laugh, but look on in confusion and amazement.

10:45p... Simon Cowell, Simon the Cowell, appearing once again in a black jacket and a white shirt. My friend Kevin Spivey reminds me of Simon the Cowell.

10:46p... Those white outfits the Idols are wearing would be absolute nightmares when eating a Dairy Queen chili dog. They cut to Mikalah Gordon, in Conway, AR, hometown of The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. Mikalah was one of the most annoying Idols ever. Over in San Diego, we see Carly Smithson, who I really like. She's like a better MJC.

There apparently are some mic problems, as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen can barely be heard. See, I have a problem with this. This show, American Idol, is the number one show in the country for five months out of the year. Its generated what, enough to almost support President B. Hussein Obama's budget? (or Bush's war, depending on how you want to spin it... well, maybe not either). This is the show that now artists come to to try and promote their new stuff... my point is, when its time for the finale, the producers should have an all-star line up for everything. The best gaffer, the best best boy, the best associate director, the best anything and everything for this show. And, the best tech guys you can possibly put your hands on... all that is to say, there is NO EXCUSE for mics going out. None. None. None. No excuse for any kind of technical glitches short of . But I digress.

10:48p... Doing a P!nk song, "So What", here comes all 13 American Idol contestants from this year. At least I'll get to see Alexis Grace again and... wait, what am I doing? I've been watching the group song! Aaaah!!! Fast forward!!!

10:54p... David Cook doing his latest single, "Permanent". He lost his brother a few weeks ago, and is putting this performance on iTunes, and all the sales will go to a cancer research charity. Classy, classy guy, seriously. Also, a hot Carrie Underwood sighting. And Justin Giarini?

10:55p... The Annual Golden Idols, silly little awards to take hilarous potshots at this seasons who didn't quite make the show. Yes, yes, God loves them all. Yes, yes, we are directed to love them to. Yes, we should appreciate their talents. And yes, this video is hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. They even show the guy who makes Barry White sound like a soprano...

10:58p... And Nick Mitchell, aka, Norman Gentle. Part of me wishes he'd made the Top 13. The people over at Vote for the Worst would have collectively passed out at the same time, wondering if there were any better gifts. Norman Gentle wins the Golden Idol for "Best/Worst Male". And he comes up to give a speech... and then he strips. Seriously, I have yet to laugh a single time at this guy.

11p... No kidding, though, man's got some pipes. Seriously. Here's the first duet of the night... Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah with "Cue the Rain". Do any of you remember when Queen Latifah had a talk show? I used to love that show! It would come on Fox every day, and for those Coffee Drinkers not around here, you can hear our local Fox affliate on the radio on 87.7... so, everyday I'd go out and grab lunch, and at 2p, I'd turn it on 87.7 to hear The Queen Latifah Show. Loved me some Queenie L. I also dug The Ricki Lake Show, which was cancelled, giving the time slot to The Queen Latifah Show, which was cancelled, giving was to Maury Povich which, if you've never seen it, makes you feel great about your life...

...mostly because you realize how many people are out there that are more pathetic than you. Did someone say Jerry Springer? At least Jerry knows his guests are completel morons and the show is absolutely ridiculous. Maury Povich wants you to respect him as a serious journalist. Which is why Jazmine is there, waiting on the results of the lie detector test to tell her weather Jamal is actually the father of her cousin Muffy's baby (Jamal says it isn't him, he "ain't neva' been with that ho!") Is he? We'll find out next!

11:08p... Anoop Dogg is onstage now. I guess its another duet, joined by Alexis Grace (just in time, as I was reaching for the remote). And here comes Jason Mraz... I'll be honest... when he first came out with "The Remedy (I won't worry)" I thought he was a flash in the pan. I liked the song, but he kind of annoyed me... but... nowadays, I really like Mraz. "You and I Both" is one of my favorite tunes, pulling in over 20 plays on the iPod. And yes, I'll be interested in hearing Alexis Grace's first single.

11:10p... Here is a video of The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's journey through Idol. And though you could have forseen The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and possibly The Widower Danny Gokey making the final two by the beginning of the Top 12 shows, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen kinda snuck up on some people. He was that guy that people usually complimented by saying, "You know who I have really started liking? Kris Allen..."

11:13p... That being said, I'm fast forwarding through his duet with keith urban.

11:14p... The girls are up now, singing "Glamorous", which I can only guess will have Fergie coming out soon enough. MJC sounds terrible. There's one chick that I can't even remember her name...

Between "F to the E, the R, G, the I, the E" and "G.. L... A... M... O... R... O U S", Fergie should have titled her CD "Spelling Bee".

She's singing "Big Girls Don't Cry". In the same vein of shame that makes me watch movies on The Lifetime Movie Network starring Judith Light and William Devane, I listen to Fergie. I think "Fergalicious" is both the most ridiculous and moronic, yet brilliant and awesome song. I'm now going to turn on the gas logs and stick my head in the fire.


This was one of the tamest Fergie photos I found online. She likes to dress skimpy. Just an FYI in case any of you guys decide to Google "Fergie"

11:16pm... So, all of a sudden, the Black Eyed Peas come out, Will.I.Am starts singing, Fergie jumps in, then everything goes silent, they show an Idol logo, then they cut back to the performance.

11:16p... Fergie. Freakin' hot. She wasn't before, but the break between "The Dutchess" and the new Peas album, plus marriage (to Josh Duhamel from Transformers) has done wonders. She looks amazing.

11.17p... Will.I.Am is pretty good in "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", by the way.

11:17p... "Boom Boom Pow" is a pretty cool name for a song, too.

11:17p... Should I start calling myself Da.V.Id?

(by the way, I was looking for the "Fergalicious" video online to post, and I found the greatest Fergalicious tribute EVER. I'll be posting that in a few days...)


Its a little low on video quality... no, I mean the presentation, not the actual video, though some might argue that point... anyway, I think someone put a camera up to their tv. Anyway, I've got the video on my iPod, and yes, I've watched/listened it more than 40 times. I hate myself.

11:19p... More Golden Idols, this time for Best Attitude... and of course, there's Bikini Girl, who, unlike Fergie, hasn't gotten better as time goes by. Then there's Alexis Cohen, the screaming, raging chick who scares everyone. Of course, Bikini Girl comes out, looking as homely as she did before, in her small bikini. Why couldn't Fergie wear that? Seacrest tosses out a great one... "I was going to ask you what's new, but I think I know..." as she throws back her hair off of her... well, her boobalies. She is now trying to butcher... well, not trying, she IS butchering "Vision of Love"... and who comes out, but Kara the New Hotness, as they sing the song together. Kara the New Hotness isn't perfect, but sounds pretty doggone good. Then she rips her dress open, revealing her own bikini. Don't get me wrong, she looks fine as all get out, but what is this, Cinemax Idol?

What happened to "fine"? Does anyone else remember when "hot" was "fine"? If a girl was pretty, we'd say "She is FINE!" and the chicks would discuss guys being "FINE"! Its only the last several years has "hot" surpassed "Fine" as the go-to adjective to describe the shallow, surface only appearance of the opposite sex. I miss "Fine". The Chiffons would have never had a lasting hit with "He's So Hot"... its "He's So Fine".

The Goddess? Fine. Ashley Tisdale? Fine. Amy Adams? Fine. See how it works? Maybe we should bring it back. Oh, and what about Pickles????


You all knew I couldn't end this season without my beloved Pickles!

11:25p... My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is sitting with Cyndi Lauper, singing on of my favorite 100 songs of all time, "Time After Time". My favorite version of this, though, is by Nichole Nordeman, from her "Live at the Door" live CD, which is just remarkable. Back to the show, for being 86 years old, Cyndi Lauper looks fantastic.

11:30p... Seacrest talks to the Allen family and the Lambert family. Then we cut to The Widower Danny Gokey, singing "Hello" by Lionel Richie... oh, please please please let Lionel come out.. please please please Father in Heaven God please I pray let Lionel come out... why? Cause Lionel Richie is AWESOME and you know this.

Not only that, but this video's unintentional comedy rating is somewhere in the 100s.

And here comes Lionel Richie! Yeah! I am so seriously thinking of growing me a Lionel 'stache. Still reminds me of Chris Tucker in "Rush Hour"... "Lionel Richie ain't been black since the Commodores!" Dude, his Commodore mustache has to be one for the ages... no kidding.

He and Dead Wife sing a newer song, "Just Chill", and then kick it old school by tossing out some "All Night Long", which in retrospect, is just a fun song. We're going to party... caramba... fiesta... forever... all night long (all night, all night)... all night long (all night, all night)... everyone you meet, there's dancing in the street (all night)... everyone you meet, there's dancing in the street (all night).

When I worked at Cox Radio, I spent time on the Rob & Shannon Morning Show, and as a result, I got meet some fun celebrities, however B-List they might be. I met Fred Travelina, and Rodger from Survivor Outback and Harry Anderson, and honestly, I don't get starstruck. Just never do. However, when I met Kevin Pollak, I was star struck. I was like, "Wow, its Kevin Pollack, holy crap!" and my friends later said, "You get star struck over the oddest celebrities..."

I think if I ever met Lionel Richie, I would be star struck, in a way that I wouldn't be if I met Jon Bon Jovi or Bono or any of the Hootie guys.

11:40p... We now see The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's journey through Idol. Let's be honest here... the guy has a great voice. I mean, really, you can't deny how good he can sing. For someone who doesn't have a trained voice, I can tell he can sing, but for those who have trained voices, they think he can sing even more so.

Its not the outfits... heck, I (I just had to pause the DVR, because The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just appeared on stage, wearing the weirdest outfit ever, which I didn't understand until I heard him sing the words... "Beth I hear you calling..." which made me nod my head and say, "Yeah. Gene Simmons. That explains it.") loved 70s flambouyant crazy Elton John--his best music was from that day and age. Its not the Ambiguously Gay Gayness, cause no, I'm not a homophobe. We don't even know if he's gay. He's never told us he was. I mean look at Clay Ai... I mean... look at Lance Ba... um... I mean, look at... oh, forget it.

Its the screech. I hate it. I can't stand it. Perhaps in the same way that some Michael Jackson haters didn't like the "woo!' and the "shi-moh!" in his music, thereby causing them to not like Michael Jackson. For me and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, its the screech. Drives me nuts. Do I want to see him win or lose? I don't care. Seriously. I'd rather have The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen win, but I'm okay with The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert winning. Does bother me that his boots are consistantly covered in saliva from the judges licking his boots every single episode.

11:46p... YES! YES!! YESS!!!! I channel Beavis & Butthead as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert finishes "Beth" and introduces KISS!!! The entire band, full makeup and everything...

You know, if I were The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, I'd be hacked off. He got Keith Urban... and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert gets KISS???? How is that remotely fair? Typical of this show. And there's a screech, sandwiched between Gene Simmons and Ace. And in case you had forgotten the screech sound, he gives you another. And one more. And another. Like, four in a row? I'm not sure my brain can handle his brilliance.

11:51p... Santana stands on stage, doing his guitar mastery. Matty G, who also is very, very lucky, sings the opening verse to the classic "Black Magic Woman" before Santana busts into "Smooth", which is a great song. I think I lost my taste for "Smooth" because during that year, it was played about 9,388 per day and I heard it almost that many times... I think radio stations were just playing only that song... "This is 99.3, Smooth FM, playing 'Smooth' over and over non stop. All 'Smooth', all the time. 99.3 Smooth FM".

11:53p... Was that Rachel McAdams in the audience? Fine.

11:54p... Ford Music video! Where's the remote! Featuring David Cook! Awarding them their own 2010 Ford Fusion! Wouldn't The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert rather drive a Scion?

11:55p... Megan G, Mike the Oil Welder (I can't remember which he does, oil or weld, so we'll go with both) and... Steve Martin. That's right, Steve Martin. MJC, who still cannot sing, has this look on her face that is cracking me up... while Mike the Oil Welder is seemingly really enjoying himself, knowing this is as good as its going to get for him, music wise, MJC has this "Okay, so The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert gets KISS... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets Keith Urban... freakin' Lil Rounds, who didn't even make it to the Final Five gets Queen Latifah... and I... I get Steve Martin playing a banjo? This is what I get???"

11:58p... And now, the new trailer for "G-Force", another film in the long line of crappy talking animal films from Disney... when I saw on IMDB that "G-Force" was in the pipeline, I was really excited, because I thought it was a long overdue movie version of the classic 70s cartoon, "Gatchaman", also known as "Battle of the Planets"... "G-Force". I was mucho disappointedo when I found out it was about a covert group of secret government agent spies who happened to be guinea pigs. Sigh.

12:01a... More music! I keep waiting for Scott the Blind Vampire to do some stuff with someone.... Ronnie Milsap? Stevie Wonder? All the Idol guys are doing "If You Think I'm Sexy", which is a song that The Eyebrowed One should never be allowed to sing... cause he ain't.

12:03a... Here comes Rod Stewart. Those familiar chords that we all know and love lead to... "Wake up Maggie, I think I've got something to say to you..." When I'm at Starbucks and make a drink, and the name on the cup is "Maggie", I usually say "Wake up Maggie I think I've got a drink for you..." out loud. And I laugh at my brilliant wit and fantastic humor.

12:05a... Rod is old. And this is painful. I'm not sure his hair has changed since 1976. Fast forward.

12:06a... The Outstanding Female Golden Idol nominees... and we have a sighting of Tatiana the Annoying. Can you imagine a Final Two with Tatiana the Annoying and Norman Gentle? Fox would go bankrupt and Rupert Murdoch would kill himself. You know who gets this award... Tatiana the Annoying.

So... I'm not sure if its staged or not... but Tatiana the Annoying comes to the stage, Seacrest tells her they have to go to break, she runs onstage and grabs the mic and starts to sing, Seacrest and several security guards are chasing her around the stage, she is still singing...

Cut to Ruben Studdard in the audience, with a total "What the..." look on his face. I agree, Big Daddy, I agree.

12:10a... The new Transformers movie trailer makes me giddy. Absolutely nerdy giddy. That big robot looking like a bad-A unicycle? Awesome.

12:10a... Did anyone else notice that they haven't gone back to Mikalah Gordon or Carly Smithson for anything?

12:11a... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen stand side by side, singing "We Are the Champions". And out comes Queen, sans Freddy. I totally think the The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should do an album of Queen songs, because I can totally see him becoming a Freddy Mercury of the 2000s. Let's pray without the AIDS part.

12:14a... Drives me nuts when I hear radio stations play "We Will Rock You" and don't play this song immediately after it. They are two different songs, but MUST be played back to back. While "We Are the Champions" can stand on its own, though I don't think it should unless its the ending credits of "Revenge of the Nerds", "We Will Rock You" needs this song to follow it. This is the only acceptable way to hear "We Will Rock You". It's like playing "American Pie" or "Lyin' Eyes" and cutting off the last verse just to save time. Unacceptable. Let's move on.


NOT EMMY TURNBOW SAFE... three curse words line the dialogue. But this is one of the few acceptable usages of "We Are the Champions" without "We Will Rock You". And a classic ending from a cheesy, awesome 80s movie.

12:15a... I'm also excited for "Funny People", with Seth Rogan and Adam Sandler. And Leslie Mann. Leslie Mann? Fine.

12:18a... Alright, let's finally get to the end of this season and this episode, also entitled "Foregone Conclusion". Simon the Cowell gives them both a little encouragement, and Mr. Bean Counter comes out and hands Seacrest the results in a sealed envelope.

12:19a... Dim the lights.

12:19... And your winner is...

12:20... What?

12:20... What? What did... what?

12:21... (rewinding DVR, looking around for The Lovely Steph Leann's possible sabotage of the video to make the ending she wanted to happen actually happen...)

12:21... Kris Allen. Huh.

12:21... Didn't see that coming.

Postscript... Had more than one or two people comment to me today about how terrible that song "No Boundries" was. And right now, I have to believe that The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is soooooo freakin' happy he doesn't have to sing that song again.

Where will The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen rank amongst Idol winners? No way he reaches Carrie Underwood or Kelly Clarkson. I think David Cook still surpasses him, but I think he'll have a better career than Jordin Sparks and certainly Taylor Hicks... Fantasia has done more outside of music, but strictly with music, he'll take her out too.

AND FINALLY... I hope that you've enjoyed my take on Idol, and I hope that you will continue to stop by Clouds in My Coffee even thought Idol is over this year. And if you like it, if you get a laugh out of what you read, or you enjoy my take on life and pop culture, or disagree too, then tell a friend.

Kris Allen, huh? Hm. The Lovely Steph Leann? Fine.

Idol's Final Stand

One plucks his guitar. One plucks his eyebrows. One sounds like David Cook, Jack Johnson, maybe a rock Kanya. One has crushes on David Cook, Jack Johnson and maybe Kanye. One is beloved by The Lovely Steph Leann. One is beloved by everyone with a rainbow sticker on the back of their car. One is the guy next door. One is dating the guy next door.

One is The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen.

One is The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.

Both are performing tonight... why? Well, because...

THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL

Randy the Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Green and Simon the Cowell are all ready to heap lavish praise, adoration and love for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and ready to resist any urge to possibly compliment The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, no matter how good he does.

Each guy has three songs to sing. The first is a rehash of a favorite performance from this year, one is a song chosen by Simon Fuller, the show's creator, and one is a song co-written by Kara the New Hotness.

And The Lovely Steph Leann's heart is all a twitter from "Glee", a show about high school show choir, a show that The Lovely Steph Leann has been gushing about for weeks.

The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's parents look normal... heck, his mom even kinda looks cute. And we have this guy now. He's doing his version of "Mad World", one he got raves on weeks ago during "Music During Your Birth Year" Week. I think The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should have been in Tears for Fears. He would have fit. Or perhaps The Pet Shop Boys.

When I was in high school, I had a friend named Victor who's favorite band was R.E.M. Another guy, Joey, used to tease him and tell him R.E.M. stood for Rear End Men. Don't know why I thought about that while watching The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Hmm.

Randy the Dawg gushes. Kara the New Hotness gushes. Paula the Green gushes. The camera cuts to the fallen Idols, including Anoop Dogg, Matty G and The Gokanator. Simon the Cowell gushes, though said he thought it was a little over theatrical. Really, Simon? When has this guy not been?

The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's parents look normal, discussing when he would give them "music coupons" for him to sing. It sucks that they pick their best of the season, as he did "Heartless" last week, a song in which, for the first time ever during Idol, I went and downloaded the performance from iTunes.

He's doing "Ain't No Sunshine", from Bill Withers, and out of the corner of my eye, I can see The Lovely Steph Leann nodding her head. The Lovely Steph Leann loves her some The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. She claps when its over. There are 25 "I know"s in this song, though he only sings 16 of them.

Randy the Dawg laughs uncomfortably, which makes me and The Lovely Steph Leann both go "uh-oh". However, he loved it. Kara the New Hotness gushes, surprisingly. Paula the Green gushes incoherently. Simon the Cowell admits that last week he wasn't sure if American made the right choice, picking him over Dead Wife... "but after that performance, I take all that back now."

Alright its Round Two...

The shows producers have picked Sam Cooke's "A Change is Going To Come" for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Funny how he's dressing normal, toning down the freak-o-the-week style, almost leaning conservative to be the middle of the road. So he'll get more votes.

That's right... this is quite possibly your next American Idol. Live it. Love it.

And here's our first screech of the night, followed by a mini-screech, then another mini-screech, and here's the big finish. And boom... there it is. Four screeches in one song... that's a huge mark to beat.

Randy the Dawg feels liberated from the white man. Kara the New Hotness feels white guilt. Paula the Green stands up and pays reparations. Simon the Cowell feels no guilt, as he's British.

The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen sits onstage, guitar in hand, singing Simon Fuller's choice for him, "What's Going On", made famous by... Marvin Gaye?

I note that, "...he is singing his ever lovin' heart out". Without looking away from the screen, The Lovely Steph Leann just replies, "Mmm hmm."

Randy the Dawg thought it was a bit light for the room and the competition. Kara the New Hotness gushes. Paula the Green gushes. Simon the Cowell didn't care for it, wondering why he didn't make it his own version. Simon, really? Have you ever heard Marvin Gaye's version? Seriously...?

So, the crappy song that always comes out of Idol is called "No Boundaries", though the subtitle is "(for a moment like this) Flying Without Heavenly Wings... Now". And like all the rest, its pretty crappy. Its always inspirational, its always a bomb on the radio (because no one wants to hear it) and its always much maligned by everyone I know.

Oh, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just sang it. Randy the Dawg actually said it was pitchy. Kara the New Hotness gushes about him singing a song that she co-wrote. Paula the Green says, "Adjectives cannot express what you've brought to this show..." then follows it up with, "...whats an adjective?" Simon the Cowell laughs about the song, saying, "Its the mountains and the hurricanes again..." (he pronounces it "hurri-kins")

And finally... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen takes on "No Boundaries". Can you imagine he and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert discussing this song backstage... "Dude, [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam... this song sucks. Seriously."
"No kidding [The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol] Kris. No kidding. I'm going to have to majorly suck up to Kara the New Hotness."

And unfortunately, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... doesn't do that song all that well. Actually, it wasn't good. Randy the Dawg thought it was pretty good. Kara the New Hotness doesn't want The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen to be judged over the whole season, not just that song. Paula the Green, who, by the way is wearing this shocking lime green blouse that can be seen from space, blubbers. Simon the Cowell doesn't judge the song, just tells him that he should be very proud.

Honestly? I think The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen should be happier in 2nd than 1st. Less restrictions. By this time, he, The Ambiguously Gay Adam, Dead Wife and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta are going to have the careers that they'll have anyway. Only The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert will have a guaranteed record deal.

The Lovely Steph Leann is texting her votes to Idol for her next American Idol. That's Kris Allen, by the way.

"Ain't No Sunshine"... "What's Going On"... "A Change is Gonna Come"... "Mad World"... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert's "No Boundaries". The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's "No Boundaries".

By the way, they are showing a Idol Season montage filled with all the contestants that did and didn't make it, and singing Motley Crue's "Home Sweet Home" is none other than Carrie Underwood, who has continually gotten hotter and hotter as the years have gone by. No joke.


To counter-act the possibilities of tossing my lunch due to the first picture...