Thanks, Mario Kart

First... if you're on Facebook, and you aren't one of the 80 or so awesome people who have become fans of Clouds, then search Clouds in My Coffee on Facebook... and become a fan! And if you are on the regular page, on Blogspot, then consider becoming a follower... I mean, 51 million voted for He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, and he's much more cult-like than I am! Ha!

Okay, okay, enough schilling about me... let's get to writing...

I don't do forwards. I've even told my kids at church that if they send me forwards after I warned them not to, they get cut from my address book. And I've cut a few out. That being said to, admittedly, there is some funny stuff out there that you want to share. In November 2006, I found a gem about what movies teach us, and had to share it with the world. Somewhere in the recesses of my laptop lies a document entitled "If I Were a Dark Overlord", which makes me roll everytime I read it.

But today, here's one I found on the Facebook page of my friend St. Francis. After doing a little Googling, I figured out its quite a list that has different variations and I'm not sure that anyone knows the source of it. Either way, its really, really funny. I cleaned it up for the audience, took out the ones that just weren't all that great, and here's what we have...

61 Thoughts That I Thought I Was the Only One Thinking...

1. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, tossing Q-tips into a bathroom trash can that’s right at their feet and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my anything that everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

2. It really hacks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

3. I wonder if cops ever get mad at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

4. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

5. When I meet someone new, I’m terrified of mentioning something they haven’t already told me but that I have learned from some light Facebook stalking.

6. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

7. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

8. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

9. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

10. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die. (I would like to think this isn't an issue... but just in case... Wookiee? Mikey? This means you)



11. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

12. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

13. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

14. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

15. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

16. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option

17. Okay, okay… that’s enough, Nickelback.

18. I take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger

19. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do in fact know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

20. Do you remember when you were kids playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.



21. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

22. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the crap was going on when I first saw it. (This should be titled "The Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory Theory". Have you seen that movie recently? Holy crap, that movie is bizarre. I mean, really, its so weird, but when I was a kid, I didn't... wait...)

(where was I? Oh yeah..)

23. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

24. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

25. Was learning cursive really necessary? (Does anyone else have this blend of cursive and print letters that they use in their handwriting? Like no one ever uses a cursive "s" or that weird "I", but I've been known to loop my "l" or have my "d" connect to the next letter in the word... anyone? Um...)

26. “LOL” has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”

27. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

28. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.



29. I think a cool name for a sports team, a good one at least, would be The Step-Dads. Even if none of the guys on the team are actual step-dads, when asked about it, you'd say, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.”

30. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart” all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”

31. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

32. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

33. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies.”

34. If you told all of us 10 years ago that the word Google would not only become a mainstream word, but one that we would use as a proper noun AND a verb, would we have believed it, or called you an idiot? I think the latter.

35. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

36. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

37. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

38. Bad decisions make good stories. Even if your loving wife won't let you blog about them.

39. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

40. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.



41. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from. This shouldn’t be a problem….

42. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

43. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

44. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

45. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this. Ever.

46. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. "I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?"

47. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? What the crap?!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

48. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

51. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. (when I read this for the first time, I felt as if someone had been following me around making notes on my actions)

52. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

53. Sheets. Sheets get dirty. Underwear. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

54. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

55. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

56. The other night I ordered takeout and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a big fat hog before dinner

57. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

58. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again

59. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

60. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

and finally... my favorite (and I think The Lovely Steph Leann's as well...)


61. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it. Thanks, Mario Kart.

Hot Sister Cheney Meets Hootie

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Finally... a week and a half of promising, I'll deliver the new music on Clouds in My Coffee. Its always hard not just doing the same songs over and over, cause frankly, I know what I like. I'm a repetitive person, to a point--like, I'll eat the same cereal over and over for two or three months, then after that, I don't want cereal for six months.

Music is like that with me. I have my famous "Hannah Pruitt" playlist (the story of that name is listed in a previous post) which gets changed out every month... artists should consider it an honor to get on this list, as these are songs--new and old--that I will listen to over and over for weeks on end. Then, I'll punt them out of the list. All of the following songs are from this current edition of Hannah Pruitt.

"You're So Vain" by Carly Simon... this stays on the website. It just does. Get over it.

"You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift... my current favorite song of the year, and should rank quite highly in the Coolest Things of 2009. I think what makes this song for me, though, is the video. Unfortunately, for some unknown copyright reason, its hard to find. But me, being as awesome as I am, have it here...




I think they'd give special permission to have it appear here on Clouds in My Coffee. Right? Right.

"Good Intentions" by Toad the Wet Sprocket... You know where I found this song? On the FRIENDS Soundtrack CD, one of the first five CDs I've ever purchased. I remember its also from 1995... because back then, I was going out with Julie Haynes, and I made her a couple of mix tapes with my favorite songs of that year, and this was my 2nd favorite song of 1995. The first? "Dreamlover" by Mariah Carey. Or was it "Fantasy"? Either one.

"Love Song" by Sara Bareilles... She gets the award for the last name thats hardest to remember how to spell. I've written a post that I haven't put up here yet (until just a few minutes ago, I think I forgot I had it) and its basically how to dissect a Romantic Comedy. I think I need to add one more step... when you make the trailer, you need to put this song over it. Why not? 104 other Rom Coms do it. By the way, I think I've heard this song so much, I've tried to get tired of it... and I can't. Love it.

"Just Started Lovin' You" by James Otto... This should have been on the Coolest Things of 2008, but I didn't know the name of it, nor who sang it, so I had no point of reference other than "that cool country song where the guy sings like this and..." I plan on putting it on the end of this year's list, with an honorable mention, a la "Bourne Ultimatum".

"Steel Bars" by Michael Bolton... Sigh. That's fine. Laugh. Make fun of me. I don't care. I dig this song. Heck, I dig Michael Bolton, puffy Kenny G hair and all. This song is cool. Okay, maybe "cool" is not the right word, but seriously, from 1988 to 1996, he had one heck of an 8 year run.

"Running From an Angel" by Hootie & the Blowfish... my favorite song from one of my all time favorite CDs, "Cracked Rear View". I was riding with Hootie with Hot Sista' Cheney (another name with a story, lest you think Chris Hansen and I are BFF) recently, and I took a gander at her iPod. I think a person's iPod can tell you as much about them as just about anything else (unless you've got 10,000 songs on it, like mine, in which you would probably deduce I'm either OCD or bipolar... or maybe ADOS... you know, Attention Deficit... Ooh, Shiny!) and I saw that she only had two or three Hootie songs on it. She's a bit younger than I, so naturally, why would she have more than "Let Her Cry" and "Hold My Hand"?

That's the problem with today's younglings... all they care about is Eminem and Lady GaGa and anything with a beat that talks about the po-po and smackin' up my beeyotch and so on and so forth. I would love a radio station that played some good 90s stuff. Sheryl Crow, Boyz II Men, pre-skank Mariah, pre-crack Whitney, even early pre-crazy Britney Spears would be fine. Am I the only one? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Anyway, in our conversation, we discussed how she needed to learn more Hootie, and for that matter, early, good Sheryl Crow. Before she went all "use one piece of toilet paper" crazy enviromental.

So sayeth Sheryl: "I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares [sic] of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required. When presenting this idea to my younger brother, who's judgement [sic] I trust implicitly, he proposed taking it one step further. I believe his quote was, "how bout just washing the one square out."

Later she said she was kidding. I'm not sure I fully believe that she was kidding.



Found these two magazine covers online... Sister Cheney, meet Hootie. Hootie, Paige.

Anyway, I ended up making Hot Sista' Cheney a couple of CDs, one being Hootie's entire "Cracked Rear View" album and a few songs from "Fairweather Johnson" and "Musical Chairs, and other with Sheryl Crow, most of her great stuff from the first several excellent albums, with emphasis on "The Globe Sessions", one of my favorite CDs.

Where was I?

"My Life Would Suck Without You" by Kelly Clarkson... This song makes a 2nd month appearance on the list. I don't dig all of her stuff, some of it is really silly and monotonous... but what I do enjoy, I really enjoy. Her song "Behind These Hazel Eyes" made the Top 100 (#25) in 2005, where she herself ended up the 6th Coolest Thing of that year. And this song? Bound for the Top 20, perhaps even a Top 10 appearance, if not for the emergance of "You Belong With Me", as listed above. Kelly and Taylor, slug it out. I knew a girl named Kelly Taylor once. She was pretty.

"Hard Luck Woman" by Garth Brooks... This was featured on the KISS tribute album entitled "KISS My A$$", which though the use of "$" doesn't disguise the words true intentions, its still a comical and clever title anyway. Garth doesn't sound like Garth here, but he does sound awesome. I actually, and this might be sacrelige to some, like this better than the original.

"Dream Lover" by Mariah Carey... I've often lamented my sorrow at how Mariah has turned into a string wearing punchline. She used to be so great, when every song didn't have a subtitle of "(featuring T-Pain)" or "(featuring Common)" or "(feat. insert stupid common word or acronym based rapper gangsta name that will forgotten in a year other than bloggers using it as a joke here)". But I digress. I was tempted to post a few pictures of Mariah, one from 1994 and one from last year, but any picture of Mariah in the last few years is bound to not be Emmy Turnbow safe.

"Motownphilly" by Boyz II Men... This song never gets old. However, I'm sure there aren't many below, say, 28 years old who will understand the line "A-B-C, BBD, the East Coast Family..." in this song.

"I Guess the Lord Must Be in New York City", by Harry Nilsson... Finally, this song is available on playlist.com, where is where I pull my playlist from. I tried to link to it before, and wasn't able to so do, but viola! Here it is. One of the classic 70's Songwriter's Tunes, its also featured in one of my top 15 movies in The Dave100.

"Basic Instructions" by Burlap to Cashmere... This is the album version, I believe, and still a great song. The better one, though, is the live version from "Live at the Bitter End", a five song EP released shortly after their first (and only?) album... it might not have been their only album, but it was really the only one with any relevance. The live version is a brilliant driving song, wedged in between "La Grange" and "Everything Zen" on my driving playlist. By the way, it took stupid me forever to figure out the "Basic instructions before leaving Earth" reference.

"Fingerprints of God" by Steven Curtis Chapman... Its underrated. But awesome. Simply fantastic. One of those "Let me sit back, listen and remember and praise how awesome God is." Well, those were the words I used to describe "Speechless", which was originally on here... however, even though it stays "Speechless", it plays "Fingerprints of God". Which is great too, so we'll go with it.

And thats our new list. You like it? Tell me what you think.

Disco Here. Disco There. Dis Idol Go Everywhere. (with RESULTS!)

THE RESULTS...
Just got home from The Happiest Place in the Mall, celebrating Earth Day by collecting a few thousand plastic water bottles for recycling... and now I'm here to recycle the jokes and watch the recycled group song (or fast forward, like you know I will...)

Hopped on Facebook, and thankfully I didn't see any news of who may or may not be kicked off... tonight, we lose two... because

THIS IS AMERICAN

IDOL

Seacrest lets me know the theme of the medley that I'll be skipping tonight (disco, natch) and the performance that I'll be skipping (Young Archie) so hopefully, I can miss that dreaded Ford commercial as well. The judges. Randy the Dawg, Simon the Cowell, Paula the Blunderer and Kara the New Hotness, are here, and we now watch Paula the Flake do the choreography for this week's group song.

Paula Abdul.... I used to have the hottest poster of her on my wall. She was part of my early celebrity crush lineage.... Nancy McKeon to Alyssa Milano to Debbie Gibson to Mariah Carey to Paula Abdul. Back in day, like many of today's musical jokes, Paula was awesome diggity. Seriously.

By the way, after the group song, they award Paula with some flowers... she comes onstage to hug them in a dress so short that Seacrest tells her to be careful.

Anyway, her first CD was "Forever Your Girl", but to me, the crown jewel was "Vibeology", an immaculate album of cool dance beats, fun songs and Paula at her premier hotness... and of course, it spawned one of the greatest, most epic, most incredible, most unintentionally hysterical videos in the history of the known world. Forget "The Matrix", or "Speed" or even the Oscar winning "Hardball"... no, Keanu Reeves finest moment...


I've posted this video before, but as my audience grows, I must give more chances for more people to witness this vision of visionary visions. You'll see this again when I finally do my post on my ten favorite music videos of all time...

Seacrest kills some time while the chicks change clothes... the guys do it faster. Always. Alright, Mindy D'A, dim the lights... let's start with... Lil Rounds. Her time has passed, she's gotten too many chances. Alexis Grace should be here right now. She takes a walk to the far side of the stage to the Silver Stools of Failure, though Seacrest doesn't actually say she's in the Bottom Three.

He doesn't have too, actually... he drops the bomb on her like The Gap Band, and just flat out tells her "Get out, chick." And she grabs the mic to kick Chaka Khan in the face again with her "I'm Every Woman".


Here's how the song should be sung... from one of the most underrated movies of all time... "The Bodyguard".

We're back now with Seacrest, welcoming... someone. Who? Frieda Payne? Who? Was Donna Summer really not available? They did 4,288 of her songs last night, putting Donna back in the spotlight, and she seriously couldn't find the time to come to Idol? What else is she doing? Nothing, that's what!!

Ah... here's Thelma Houston. "aaaawwwwww bbbbaaaaayyyyybbbaaaaayyy.... my heart is full and desire for you! So come on now and do what you know you gots to do!" The cut to Paula the Flake, who is standing and dancing, and Simon the Cowell has a big, toothy grin on his face. I think I've decided I want Thelma Houston to play at my birthday party this summer. Oh, come on, you know YOU would totally come to d$'s 34th Annual Birthday Bash in August if Thelma Houston was going to be there! She could just sing this song about 9 times and I'd be alright. The Lovely Steph Leann, can you get on that?

KC, sans Sunshine Band, comes out singing, what else, "Get Down Tonight". Dude looks like a trucker straight off of "To Catch a Predator". In fact, Chris Hansen might be in the second row... maybe its the botox or whatever, but KC is hard pressed to show any emotion whatever. He has this "Joker" type grin going on, and I mean Jack's, not Heath's. He's struggling to get down tonight, too. And where is the Sunshine band? Are they hanging with Donna Summer?

And we're back... alright Cindy Jo, dim the lights. Its time to show some Bottom Three-ness. One of the Silver Stools of Failure has been taken away...

Kris Allen stands up. Last night? Best performance of the night. Maybe the coolest, anyway. America votes... and Kris is safe. The Ambiguously Gay Adam stands up, with very little worry of anything, really. He's kinda got a Gay Chris Isaak coif going on, just much darker. He sits in safety.

The Widower Danny Gokey stands up. How does he actually have exactly the same amount of stubble every week? Does he time this every week? He sits. Naturally.

This now leaves Matty G, Anoop the Eyebrowed One and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... with two Silver Stools of Failure still unseated. Anoop nods knowingly as he is in the Bottom Two. Matty G and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta stand up together...

Matty G... Matty G... Matty G... Matty G... please please please please....

Seacrest stretches it out as long as possible before finally sending My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta to the Silver Stools of Failure. And extra set of stools have been brought out, one for each of Anoop's eyebrows.

Young David Archuleta does his thing, I skip it entirely, and let's do the final results. KT, dim the lights. Seacrest holds the card... and Anoop Dogg is gone now. And before he sings his final song, he declares jihad on the entire show. Not good times. Its better this way, though... now the terrorists don't win. Well... considering our president... oy!

_______________________

PERFORMANCES....
Just a quick note before we start... Jason Bateman. I did a review on "State of Play" a few days ago, and Mindy D'A reminded me that I didn't mention Jason Bateman... he steals the latter half of this movie, by the way, and I can only attribute the fact that it was late when I blogged about it as the reason I left Bateman out. He is brilliant in this, and you need to know this.

Now...

THIS

IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

DISCO NIGHT

This is going to be the train wreck of the season, as it usually is. Seriously. I mean, when they are sitting around the table, and the producers are trying to come up with the themes, you reckon someone says, "Okay, we got country week... we got birth-year week... we got movie night... all the weeks are taken but one... what do we fill that one with?"

"What about Billy Joel Week? The songs of Billy Joel?"
"No, that's too old."
"What about... maybe Past Idol Tunes week? Songs from Kelly and Ruben and Taylor and Carrie and such."
"Nope, that's not good either"
And some drunk guy in the back stands up and says, "I think we should do disco week. Again!"
"PERFECT! Cause Barry Gibb was amazing last year!"

Here's what he sang... "Theres a. Light. Some kind. Of light..." It was horrendous--so bad, that to this day, I still make fun of it.

But as it is, this is Disco Week. If Lil Rounds doesn't blow this out the water, then there IS NO HOPE for her. Without a video (they probably only have one for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Goke), they let her go straight into Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman."

And I notice that in the hotpants she's wearing, she's got back for days. Literally, I could take this Chipotle Mexican Grill cup of ice cold Co-cola and set it on the top of that thing. She's close the judges, but her bum is straight back, rubbing the video screen.

Randy the Dawg says, "You got the party started... but..." and its not good. He says that she didnt show what kind of artist she could be, and seriously, by now, there isn't any chance she will. Kara the New Hotness says, "We've been waiting for you to sing Chaka or someone and show us what you can do... and really, I don't think its worth the wait. You literally have been every woman up there this year." Paula the Flake goes through butterflies and puppy dog tails. Simon the Cowell says it was copycat and messy.

Kris Allen is holding a guitar for Disco Week. Is there really any guitar music ever actually in any disco song you know? And he picked out "She's Works Hard for the Money" by Donna Summer, and as he says, its a song about a woman who has a great work ethic. Yep, she works hard. For her money.

I look over at The Lovely Steph Leann, smiling and simply say, "I dig this guy." She chirps, "I LOVE KRIS ALLEN!!" Dude, this is awesome. He's got the band on the stage, pounding the bongos, playing guitar and really... and this is the first time I've said this so far this season... I might consider buying a Kris Allen CD. And for the first time this year, a performance that I might actually consider in the Top 100 Coolest Things of 2009, along with Chipotle, lunch with Stan McDuffie and Mindy D'A herself...

Kara the New Hotness sings his praises. Paula... oh, Paula Paula Paula. I cannot even describe what I just heard. "Some women shop in the men's department, but few men shop in the women's department", leading to all sorts of Kris Allen Buys Chick Undies jokes... Simon the Cowell says it was completely opposite of Lil Rounds, and that it was fantastic. Randy the Dawg says it was awesome.

The Lovely Steph Leann begins a real rant... "I mean, come on, I know it was mess up Idol's perfect little word to have Kris Allen in the top two and not The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert or The Widower Danny Gokey, but REALLY!!! HE'S AWESOME!!! WHAT DOES HE HAVE TO DO??!!"

So let's now give it to The Goke himself, The Widower Danny Gokey... he's doing "September" by Earth Wind & Fire. This is a hard song for a white boy to pull off, really. I'll be honest, I make fun of (with?) the guy, but he can sing. He's got a great voice. But he's done very little to impress me so far.

This used to be my ringtone on my first cell phone I ever got. I remember using it as a wake up alarm on missions in New York City in 2005.

Randy the Dawg said he wasn't sure about the song choice originally, but he really like the version that The Gokinator made happen. Kara the New Hotness--and really, she is pretty hot, and I think she gets finer as the season goes on--loved it. She loved the pitch. Paula the Blitherer blitherers. She says he's got a sexy voice. Cindy Jo agrees. Simon the Cowell likes The Widower Danny Gokey, but didn't like the song.



My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta must defend her My Next American Idol crown against challenger Kris Allen tonight. She's doing "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer, and chick is laying on the stairs, slinking up across the stage and if she were a) older than 16 and b) prettier, then she'd be pretty hot right about now. But as she's neither, I can say she looks pretty cool.

I love me some Jailbait Ally... but I didn't like the song all that much. Randy the Dawg thought the arrangement was overindulgent, but says she's one of the best singers in the competition. I think we've heard "And you're only 16!!" or some variation of that has been said about 53,000 times this year. Kara the New Hotness agrees with Randy the Dawg. Paula the Blubberer blubberers. Simon the Cowell says it was a brilliant performance.

And now its time for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. He's doing... or will destroy... "If I Can't Have You" by Yvonne Elliman, one of my favorite disco songs from that era. Seriously, I love that song.

And he turns it into a ballad. I think he's actually a pretty smart guy... he'll do a rape of a certain classic, like last week, then come back the next week and play it safe, sing it pleasantly cool, and wait for the judges to heap praises onto him. And right at the end, he throws in his "WHHHAAAAAAAAYAYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAHHHHHHH" scream. Its a patented move now. Yes, yes, the song was good. But its The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.

Randy the Dawg says it was awesome. Kara the New Hotness says this was the most memorable performance, and I completely disagree. Kris Allen has stolen this show. Paula the Blabberer blabberers, while Simon the Cowell laughs at her. Simon the Cowell was surprised is that it wasn't Donna Summer, but loved it and the immaculate vocals.

Personally, I think The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert should have done... "YMCA"? "Macho Man"? "In the Navy"? Ha! I tell The Lovely Steph Leann this joke, and she rolls her eyes.

My favorite disco songs ever... in no particular order...

• "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, though I can't truly rule this straight disco, and if ABBA is disco, then I can't say that "Dancing Queen" is my favorite ABBA song, because its a toss up between "Mamma Mia" and "S.O.S.".
• "If I Can't Have You" by Yvonne Elliman. The real version, not the one The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert just took an Ambiguously Gay dump on.
• "Last Dance" by Donna Summer. Its quick, its fun, its sing alongable.
• "When Will I See You" by The Three Degrees. Soft. Tender. Sensative. Like me.
• "Don't Leave Me This Way" by Thelma Houston. You'd know this if you heard it... it starts out slower, then kicks in "ooooohhhhhh baby! my heart is full o'love and desire for you!"
• "The Rubberband Man" by The Spinners. I don't have a single clue what this song is about, nor do I care. Its just cool, cool funk.
• "We Want the Funk" by George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic. Can you get a much cooler name than Parliament Funkadelic. I think not.

And yes, I'm thrilled by the fact that this album is called "Kung Fu Fighting and Other Love Songs". The unintentional comedy scale just broke.

• "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas. Seriously, how does a black man in the 70s come up with the idea of writing a song--a racist song at that, with Chinamen and Lil Sammy Chong--about kung fu movies and such? I am sure wacky terbacky was involved. (more on this at the bottom of the blog...)
• "Best of My Love" by The Emotions. "Whoa oh, you get the best of my love, whoa oh... you get the best of my love!" Possibly my favorite disco classic.

I ask The Lovely Steph Leann her favorite disco songs, and she shrugs. "I like that Yvonne song I guess... I dunno... 'I Will Survive'... maybe? I don't even know what there is..."

Thats true with Disco. I had to pull up iTunes and actually look at my Disco genre.

Back to the show, where Seacrest alludes to Matty G doing "Stayin' Alive". Could this be true?

Without hearing the version, I call it--Lil Rounds and Matty G go home. If you are The Widower Danny Gokey or The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, you can do "Stayin' Alive" and get away with it. If you are fighting for your life, you don't do "Stayin' Alive". You find something you can absolutely nail. Something you can blow out. This song? No.

He comes out, puts a little rock/soul spin on it, and it sounds pretty good. Heck, if you are doing to do something risky and crazy, go "Atomic Dog". Who wouldn't have wanted to hear Matty G go "Bow wow wow yippee yo yippee yay"?

Randy the Dawg didn't love the song, but still says that Matty G can really sing. Kara the New Hotness says she was glad that Matty G brought disco back to the night. Paula the Wanderer wanderers, making a bowling metaphor of some sort. Right up her alley. Simon the Cowell didn't like it.

Anoop the Eyebrowed One closes out the show, and I wonder what ballad he's going to do. And I say this right before the guitar starts with the ballad music. Its a song called "Dim the Lights", and hey... the song picks up. Its one I'm not familiar with, but its by, again, Donna Summer.

When I made my prediction about who's going home, I literally forgot that Anoop the Eyebrowed One was even in this show... Randy the Dawg liked it. Kara the New Hotness liked it. Paula the Wisdomer dispenses wisdom. Er. Simon the Cowell disagrees with everyone, not liking the song at all, and thought it was the worst Eyebrowed performance by a mile.

So here's how it goes down...
Kris Allen. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta. Matty G. The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. The Widower Danny Gokey. The Eyebrowed Anoop Doggy Dogg. Lil Rounds.

As they are showing the clips again, and reminding you of the numbers, The Lovely Steph Leann goes on another mini-rant about Kris Allen, and how he's getting no love from the judges, and she doesn't know what he can do to make them say "you can win this thing!"

And for me, Disco Week wasn't all that bad this year. Results tomorrow night!

So after the show was over, I was still curious about Carl Douglas writing and performing "Kung Fu Fighting". I mean, really. This is like me sitting down and writing a ballad about political espionage, cause I liked those kind of films. I ventured over to Carl's Wiki page, and here is what he lists as his three factors for writing this song...

1. He liked Kung Fu movies, and had seen them recently. Granted.
2. Went to a jazz concert featuring Oscar Peterson, a legendary jazz pianist, and was inspired by some of his music
and finally...
3. Was suffering from the side effects of pain killers.


Ladies and gentleman, I think we have a winner. Option #3. Yep, I noticed its not even in sync. Just like a great kung fu movie. Everyone now... "Wha ho ho hoooooooo.... Wha ho ho hooooo..... Wha ho ho hoooooo.... Wha ho ho hoooooo...."

Idol: The Year of the Cook

It's another week of Idol, after missing last week (you can figure out where we were instead by clicking here). Even though I didn't blog about it, I did get to see last week's horrendous Beatles butcherings (after the first week of magic), and I was fortunate enough to see Simba get the boot.

As for now...

They made their way into the Top 10, and into the tour. Now, can they make their way to the top of American Idol?

This.

Is American Idol.

Tonight's theme is "Songs from the Year You Were Born", which means Young David Archuleta is picking from... 1990. Like, 17 years ago. Like, when I was a sophomore in high school.

Ramiele Malubay
Singing from 1987, the video shows her parents, who might be from Al-Queda.

Oh no. She's singing Heart's "Alone". Oh no. This will be compared to Carrie Underwood's masterpiece of this song a few years ago. The Lovely Steph Leann, who loves her some Heart, says, "This might not be as bad as I thought she wou... wait, yeah, she's really bad."

This is terrible. J Rob looks at me. "I'm not feeling this at all."

The Lovely Steph Leann adds, "She's wearing off the shoulder, with a strap. And that's not what was popular in the 80s.

I was going to post a video of Heart singing "Alone", for the benefit of people like KT or Scotty Latta to see the brilliance that is under that big hair, but I still can't figure out how to embed videos from YouTube. Anyone?

Randy says it wasn't the right song. Carly did this earlier in the season, much, much better. Paula tries to find something positive to say, and finds some sunshine buried down deep. Simon says he didn't think it was as bad as Randy says, but it was shrieky.

Jason interprets what Simon says, "You suck, but people like you enough that you'll fly under the radar."

The Lovely Steph Leann declares Lil' Ramy this year's Jasmine Trias, who was a Top 3'er that deserved only to be a Top 15'er in Season Three. Latoya London and Jennifer Hudson went hom before Jasmine.

On a sidenote, surprisingly, they are doing the songwriting contest again. This is the same contest that gets us "This is My Now". I'm just sayin'.

Jason Castro
He's singing from 1987 as well. The Lovely Steph Leann says he's kinda hot, but not in a Colin Firth Club kind of way. KT still thinks he looks retarded.

His take is Sting's "Fragile", a song I'm not familiar with. The Dreadlocked One is with guitar, and both KT and J Rob says he looks Princess Leia-ish with his hair done like its done.

By the way, The Lovely Steph Leann gots her hair did tonight, and it looks great. Just so you know.

And even after last week's French disaster, he's singing foreign language again, this time Spanish.

Randy declares this song one of his favorites, which I'm beginning to understand Randy has about 12,833,499,228 favorite songs. Every song is one of his favorite songs. Paula blows sunshine, but still kinda disses him on the "wow" factor. Simon says this is the second bad week in a row, and that its time for The Dreadlocked One to take it more serious.

He says, "I guess I could spend a little more time practicing if I'm going to do this..." He looks like he played outside the subway last week in New York.

Syesha Mercado
The Black Julia Stiles was born in 1987 as well... is this '87 Idol?

Tonight, she's singing "If I Were Your Woman", another song I'm not sure I know much about. The good thing is, she's back to the 'fro, and that means she has a real shot at killin' it tonight.

The Lovely Steph Leann points out that with Syesha's 'fro, its almost a Hidden Mickey. The Black Julia Styles is belting it out, sounding great. My favorite of the three thusfar.

Even Jason thought it was good.

Randy says it was her best performance to date, and it was stellar. Paula is backing up a dumptruck of sunshine, ready to dump on Syesha, somehow calling her "dark" and a "horse." And Simon didnt think it was as good as Randy says. I thought it was great.

CheezyDeezy
The other black person in the show, born in 1985. I was ten. His mom's name is Chika. I don't even have a joke here... yes I do, I just can't decide which one of the dozens in my head.

"Its Only For One Night" is the song of choice, yet ANOTHER song I don't know. What the heck? Am I that igernent on music of the 80s?

I do like CheezyDeezy, cause he sounds like Luther Vandross, and he's singing to the chicks in the audience. I think there has been two or three kids concieved in this last few minutes, due to CheezyDeezy.

Randy says that CheezyDeezy sounds like of old fashioned, and not "hip and cool" like Syesha made hers. Paula disagrees, of course. She says CheezyDeezy is a good throwback, which is funny, because Paula talking is like a good throwup. Simon said it was sung well, but the performance was very cheesy (deezy).

By the way, its a Brenda Russell, who sings my #3 song of all time, "Piano in the Dark", featuring Joe Esposito on piano, from 1988.

Brooke White
My Next American Idol was born in 1983, and she's taking on "Every Breath You Take". For once, her hair is gorgeous, according to KT (which, she's right). On piano, My Next American Idol Brooke White starts out... poorly.

Actually, she just had a little blurp at the beginning, but immediately picked up right after. And she sounds awesome... truly awesome. KT and J Rob both aren't fans. They don't know talent.

Randy liked it just okay, not a fan of the arrangement towards the end. Paula liked it much better. Sunshine. Its blown. Simon agrees with Randy, saying that My Next American Idol Brooke White should've stayed on piano only, with the band not coming in.

They actually liked the fact she messed up and corrected herself professionally at the beginning.

Michael Johns
Born 1978, down in Australia, perhaps we'll hear some 70s rock. Or maybe disco. That would be funny.

Crocomichael Johndee is taking on "We Will Rock You" and since Ryan said "two for the price of one", I'm wondering if he'll transition into "We Are the Champions"... which he does.

For the record, you should never, ever hear "We Will Rock You" unless its followed by "We Are the Champions" immediately. It's like playing the radio-friendly, three verse version of "Lyin Eyes" or the four verse version of "American Pie". Its unacceptable. All or nothing, take it or leave it. This goes for you, Magic 96.5 and Hits 101.1.

Randy says "Finally! You use that big voice!" He declares it the best for Aussie Michael this season. Paula declares it "your shining moment". Simon says he finally saw star-potential, and that he just got it right.

Aussie Michael has been trying to recover his magic since Hollywood Week's "Bohemian Rhapsody", and finally, he did it.

Carly Smithson
Born in Dublin, she came into the world in 1983. Here mom's name is Mary Murray, and Carly's name comes from Carly Simon, who was playing on the radio when they were headed to the hospital during labor.

Carly has a big voice. J Rob says she should sing with The Cranberries.

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" is the song tonight. Can Carly take on The Immortal Bonnie Tyler? By the way, this is one of my 100 favorite songs. Ever.

She looks great on stage, though she looks like she's grinding with no one behind her. But she sounds just awesome. Could be one of my favorites of the night... until that last note. Ow. The Lovely Steph Leann is covering her eyes, KT her ears and Jason his mouth.

Randy didn't like the song choice, though I totally disagree... that's the perfect song for Carly. Paula blabbers for two minutes. And she says absolutely, postively nothing. Simon says it was decent, but that she seemed too intense and wound up... it might be the dress.

David Archuleta
Young David was born in 1990. We've been over this already. I was 15, in 10th grade, in like with Stephanie Phillips, and living the high life in Samson. They are showing some video of Younger David dancing as a kid, which means I was graduating high school at the time.

With "You're the Voice", another seemingly inspirational song. First, "Imagine", the "Another Day in Paradise", now this... is he going to do an entire album of "Songs To Make You Feel Good About Yourself"?

Rebecca St. James did a Christian spin on this song on her incredible album "God", her best ever. One of my favorite 10 Christian albums ever.

Randy says that it was a strange song choice, but he worked it out. Paula blows sunshine. Simon didn't like the performance at all, sounding very theme parky. He actually uses the word "ghastly" in his description.

J Rob says Young David looks like he stepped out of a Toon Disney show.

Kristy Lee Cook
Born in Seattle, Washington, KLC was born in 1984. Pictures of her as a teenager makes her look like she had hot potential, though I don't know what happened exactly. Excuse me, Chris Hanson is at the door.

She's singing "God Bless the USA", a take on Lee Greenwood's megahit. J Rob starts laughing. KT says this is a fireworks song. The Lovely Steph Leann laments that the stupid "mosh pit", the giggly teenagers in the very front, can't even wave their arms the same way.

They do this song in the "frickin' laser" show. And through all this, KLC is taking a big crap on this song. Lee Greenwood is beating his wife because of this performance, and the people at Stone Mountain are angered that this song has disgraced their laser performance.

Randy liked it. Paula says, "Its okay, but I've seen better from you." When? She sucks! Simon says it was her best performance by a mile. And he actually says, "It was the most clever song I've seen performed on this show in years..." and he even name drops Lee Greenwood.

Perhaps I am just completely tone deaf, because that was really crappy.

David Cook
In 1982, David Rob Thomas Cook popped out with a massive head--we just saw pictures. And he's taking on Michael Jackson...

"Billie Jean" is the song of choice... you know, he's right up there with My Next American Idol Brooke White as my favorite. He turned it into just a ballad, with a slow guitar behind it. This is just awesome. Seriously.

This is his Blake Lewis "You Give Love a Bad Name" performance... add it to "Hello" and "Daytrippers" and he's working on an entire album of American Idol performances... and I would buy it.

Randy says David Rob Thomas Cook is the one to win the whole lot, on "that joint right there". Paula is standing up for her sunshine. She offers him her official hotel key. Simon says that was "truly brave. It could have been insane or amazing... and it was amazing."

Jason declares David Rob Thomas Cook his next American Idol.

So running down the night... David Rob Thomas Cook takes the cake, followed closely by Aussie Michael, My Next American Idol Brooke White, Irish Carly, CheezyDeezy, Syesha Mercado, Young David, then KLC, and finally Lil' Ramy.