Vh1's The Greatest Songs of the 90s (Part II)

And we are back... I'll fire up this DVR and discuss the rest of the Top 100 Greatest Songs of the 1990s, as ranked by Vh1!  Along the way I'll share some memories, some stories and maybe you have some of your own...

Keep in mind, I don't know who is on this list... everytime you read about a new song, I have just found out what that song was, and don't know what the next one is...
Read The Greatest Songs of 90s, Part I with Songs 100 to 48

47. "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch
I guess I heard somewhere that Mark Wahlberg doesn't like to discuss his "Marky Mark" days... and part of me can understand why.  I mean, he's a white guy rapper, something that until Eminem, would get you lumped in with Vanilla Ice, Snow and the like.



But another part of me wants him to be doggone proud of this ditty.  "Good Vibrations" isn't bad, its not even so-bad-its-good, its just a good, good song.   And most girls I knew loved them some Marky Mark when he did underwear ads and did this video.  He didn't actually wear a shirt from 1994 to 1998, I believe.

I came across this video in iTunes, and let me tell ya, I didn't think--I bought.  Immediately.

I've made this point before, but really?  If
you've ever seen Mutt Lange, you'll know
that Shania, left, is the best he'll ever do
and the chick on the right is more his type.

46.  "Your Still the One" by Shania Twain.

Oh mah gawsh... this song was everywhere.  You couldn't get away from this song.  But for every bit of eye candy that Marky Mark was to the ladies, Shania is the boys.

Its funny, though, to hear Shania talk about this song and her hubby Mutt Lange, as this show was done in 2007-ish.  This was, of course, Mutt so stupidly traded in his Ferrari for a used 70s Pinto. 

45.  "Only Wanna Be With You" by Hootie & the Blowfish
HOOOOOOOOTTTIIIIEEEE ROOOOOOCCCKKKKSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But when Darius Rucker says, "Ain't Bobby so cool?", who is Bobby?  Never got that.

44.  "Killing Me Softy" by The Fugees
Pras, Wyclef Jean and Lauryn Hill... The Fugees.  And for everything the original was, this song is not.  The original, while classic, is so freakin' slow... the update by The Fugees made it cool.  Made it relevant.  Made if fun.

Sang this song in karaoke back in the early 2000s or something.  Actually, I didn't sing it, Alexandra Milner did.  We were at Common Ground back in the day, doing a karaoke night, and Alex and I hopped on this stage... and she sang it beautiful.  I did the "one time time"... and then the "two time time" part.  Cause I wanted to help.

43. "My Lovin' (your never gonna get it)" by En Vogue
Who just started singing "oh your never gonna get it, no your never gonna get it" as soon as this song came on the television?  The Lovely Steph Leann, that's who, not even looking up from her laptop.

This was pre-Destiny's Child, and early-to-mid 90s.  There was an abundance of chick groups that came out about the same time, including En Vogue, but also Jade (don't walk away boy, my love won't hurt you, no no!) and my favorite, Sisters With Voices, aka, SWV (can't explain why your loving makes me weak...)

42. "Shine" by Collective Soul
From the album "Hints, Allegations and Things Left Unsaid", an album that I couldn't afford to buy in 1994, but I ended buying in like, 2004, because I felt like I should own it. 

This song is also awesome, with a great chorus, and lots and lots of "YEAH!"s.  Da da da dada YEAH!  Da dada dada da da YEAH!" 

It is a great song, but my favorite Collective Soul song?  "Heavy".  Man oh man is that song great to drive with. 

41. "Two Princes" by The Spin Doctors
My memory of this song will forever and ever be linked to that karaoke bar on the fifth deck of that cruise ship during my senior cruise... there were like, six of us up there, and that group probably included Chris McCall and Tonya Windham, but I know for a fact that Tammy Thomas was up there. 

(L-R) Tonya, Chad, Tammy, Yours Truly and Chris.  This
would be a good guess as to who was singing that night.

By the way, don't hate on the Spin Doctors.  Trippy sound, goofy hat of that lead singer guy, he had an awesome voice... and how much fun is this song to sing?  Even now!  The Lovely Steph Leann stopped singing En Vogue and immediately picked up this song. 

Favorite Spin Doctors songs? 
4) "Little Miss Can't Be Wrong"... what a great "get out my face, woman" song.
3) "You Let Your Heart Go To Fast"... lead cut from their second album
2) "Two Princes"... Carnival cruises!
1) "Jimmy Olsen's Blues".  Man I love that tune.

Just just just go ahead now. 

40. "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd
Okay, so this song came from the film "New Jack City", not on The Dave100, but probably could be listed in The Dave200, if there was such a thing.  There were actually two versions to this song, the album version and the radio version.

Usually, I'm an album-version guy... the album typically has the extra verse, or the bridge or the extra whatever, whereas the radio version is typically edited for content and length.   However, in this case, its almost as if they are two different tunes who have the same riffs and rhythm... and I prefer the "come inside take of your coat I'll make you feel at home" radio edit much better. 

Two more quick observations:  first, lead singer Brian Abrams got really big, and second. this song is, no matter the edit, not Emmy Turnbow Safe.  No joke. 

39. "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls
So, I've never seen the movie "City of Angels" that this song came from.  This song is good, though, every once in a while, but not all the time.  Give me "Slide" or "Black Balloon".... but I will tell you "Dizzy Up the Girl" is an awesome CD.  Go get it.

38. "Genie in a Bottle" by Christina Aguilera
So, when you are 24 years old, and this 17 year old is singing, and rolling around like she does in this video, you feel kind of skeevy.  And I did.  Cause she was pretty hot.

Steph Nipp, back in the day, asked me about the lyrics "gotta rub the right way", and I told her "oh, its like, you know, when you rub someone the right way, or wrong way?  Like, she wants the guy to be good to her, and treat her right."  Steph Nipp says, "Oh, that makes sense."  And everytime I heard her tell someone that particular nugget, I would laugh internally, and sometimes quietly, externally.  I love Snipp. 

37. "Good Riddance (time of your life)" by Green Day
So, Green Day, one of the most overrated band in the history of the world. 

36. "Gonna Make You Sweat" by C&C Music Factory
Totally did this song in high school band, and that crazy part on the sax was sooooooo much fun to play.

And I know every stinkin' word to this song.  I mean, this video is like a workout, cause people are dancing and jumping all over the place, you had the chick singing the "Sweat!  Sweeeaaaat!  Let the music take control, let the rhythm move you..." (though the skinny chick was a front--the real singer of that was one of the big sistas from The Weather Girls, and she sued), you had that awesome sax in the middle and Freedom Williams singing the rhymes that told you he was a just a squirrel trying to get a nut to move yo' butt to the dance floor so yo' whats up, hands in the air, e'rbody over here e'rbody over there..."

35. "Wonderwall" by Oasis
Talk about a song I love to sing... Today is gonna be the day that their gonna throw it back to you... I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now...

Its like a good Beatles song.  This, with "Champagne Supernova", but especially this, is just about as close to a perfect rock song as you can get. 

Chick named Reanna in children's theater Pied Pipers used to walk aroung singing "Wonder Bra".  Kind of annoying, but at the same time amusing.

34. "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind
So this song is actually about hard core drugs and gettin' it on.  The lyrics are so dirty.  But its proof that people don't pay much attention to the lyrics, because its so catchy and this song was pretty big for about eight months.  But I usually turn it when it comes on.  Not a huge fan.

33. "Wannabe" by Spice Girls
This exchange just happened:
Me: Oh wow
The Lovely Steph Leann: You knew this had to be on here
Me: Oh, I like the Spice Girls.  I dig this song.
The Lovely Steph Leann: OMG, I LOOOOOVE the Spice Girls

Ten, twelve years later, its kinda funny seeing where they all ended up, but back in the late 90s, you couldn't get away from Spice Girl.  I was always a Baby Spice guy myself. 

We just spent the next five minutes coming up with the titles of the other two Spice hits.... "Two Become One" and my favorite, "Say You'll Be There" (she sang along to both when I dug 'em up on my iTunes)

32. "No Diggity" by Blackstreet featuring Dr. Dre
Dude.  No Diggity was dope.  Back when Dre and rap was fun and cool, when Hip Hop was going from innocent to a little edgy, this song is just awesome. 

Not sure what "diggity" means.  It might mean "no doubt", as in "no diggity, no doubt". 

Play on, play out.

31. "Creep" by Radiohead
There were two versions of this song, the "so very special" and "so effin' special" version.  As in, "I wish I was special.  So very/effin special".  Because I'm an album purist, I like the second one.  I have this cassingle upstairs. 

I won a tape from a radio station once, called "Kid A."  And after listening to it a few times, I can honestly say, Radiohead is a band I never got.

30. "Tearin' Up My Heart" by N*Sync
So, the boy bands returned in 98, after a seven year hiatus with the loss of New Kids on the Block. 

Remember when Justin Timberlake was this frosted tipped little kid?  And out of like, all the boy banders in all the boy bands, something like 19 of them, JT is the only who made it out.  Its not cool to like any of them... except JT.  Its cool to like JT. 

And I'm sure JC Chasez is sitting at home, playing "Blowing Me Up (with her love)", wondering what went wrong and why not him.

No, of course I don't have "Ice Ice Baby"
on Cassette Single.  Why would I need
the cassingle when I have this entire
album on tape?

29. "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice
I could spend an entire column, like 4,000 words on this song.  I don't even know where to begin with this song, other than, I love it and am not ashamed.

28. "Livin' la Vida Loco" by Ricky Martin
I got nothing.  That sound you hear is the Unintentional Comedy Scale exploding into small, loco pieces.

27. "Mr. Jones" by The Counting Crows
First, lets be clear... Adam Duritz. Ladies, is he hot?  Seriously?  Cause he got with like, fourteen different 90s hot chicks from Jennifer Aniston to Courtney Cox. 

Secondly, who is Mr. Jones?  

26. "My Name Is" by Eminem
I remember hearing this song for the first time as I was coming to my apartment in 1999.  It was odd, it was laughable, and it was creative.  Some years later, he busted out with my favorite Eminem tune, "Without Me" which is absolutely brilliant. 

Love him, hate him, he is so talented.  What he can rap, the words he spits out are amazing... not the content, but just his tone. 

25. "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden
This was a cool song, but this video was just creepy with the stretchy smiley face thing going on.  Everyone's smiles get all weird and distorted and strange.

24. "Jump Around" by House of Pain
Dude... from the very first note, this song rocks.  Like, this song is awesome.  Everyone jumps to this song.  And my favorite lyric, though its terrible, is "I'll serve yo' --- like John McEnroe, if yo' girl steps up, I'm smackin' da ho'"...  This makes me want to go and hear this song right now.  This would be in my Top Ten songs of the 90s.

23. "Whatta Man" by Salt n Pepa featuring En Vogue
What a great song.  Seriously.  Why is it that there are so many songs out there that are all about how bad your man is, and he cheated and he's a jerk and all that... but here's a song that celebrates how much she loves her man.

I'd like to think that The Lovely Steph Leann, were she a R&B rap artist, would sing this song to me.  "d$, you so crazy... I think I wanna have yo' baby..." 

22.  "Loser" by Beck
Does anyone even know what this song means?  No you don't.  Don't try.  Don't even try to explain.  I made it a point to learn every word to this song at one time, and loved to sing it... and would hear it often on cassingle.

If there was a way to do playcounts with cassettes, surely this would have a huge count from back in the day.

21. "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion
Oh, there go the flutes.  From one of my favorite movies of all time, 9th on The Dave100, near, far, wherever you are, you couldn't NOT hear this song.  And seriously, were it not for the fact that I have heard this song about 8,000,003 times, I would still love it.  However, its still a great song.  And before Celine married Rob Reiner and decided to lose 188 pounds, she was so awesome.  I mean, really.  I would put her next to pre-crack Whitney and pre-skank Mariah, easily.

The Lovely Steph Leann: Oh, I cried at this song.

20. "Mmm Bop" by Hanson
You laugh right now, but dont even joke.  You freakin' loved this song.  You sang this song.  You bought it, you own it, and when it came on, you turn it up, even if you only can sing the "Mmm Bop" part.

Hanson is a band that got the shaft--they make great pop rock music, played their own instruments, wrote their own songs, and were defined by that one single song.

19. "Sabotage" by The Beastie Boys
There are fewer songs that, combined with the video, are as cool as this song.  This song is loud, this song is boisterous, this song had this funky, hard edge, goofy sound... and it ROCKS.  Put this is your cars CD player, preluded by "B.O.B." by OutKast and followed by "Machinehead" by Bush, and you can make it from Birmingham to the beach in about 90 minutes.

18. "Enter Sandman" by Metallica
"The national anthem of headbangers" was what one guy said on the show, and I agree.  And when lead singer Triple H James Hetfield, its a song that really... kinda punishes you.   

Hush little baby don't say a word, and don't mind that noise you heard.

Indeed.

17. "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child
Back when it wasn't just Beyonce, but Beyonce and three, yes three, other chicks.  Hey, say my name you love me in front of other people.  And somehow, they sang 73 words in the span of 4 seconds, so much so that Eminem would be proud.

And for the record, I love me some Kelly Rowland--she's my favorite D'Child.

16. "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer
That phrase, "U Can't Touch This", tossed in with "2 Legit 2 Quit" will forever be a part of our lexicon.  Lorelei Addison and Campbell Isaiah will be saying these phrases and not even knowing what they mean...

...oh no, forget that... they'll be hearing them some MC Hammer.

Its Hammer go Hammer MC Hammer yo Hammer and the rest can go and play, Can't Touch This!

15. "Under the Bridge" by The Red Hot Chili Peppers
When this song popped up, The Lovely Steph Leann looked up and said, "ah!"  I asked her if she liked this song, and she nodded feverishly, "I Love this song."

And why not?  Its a great song.  I remember this video where Anthony Keidis, in black and white, long hair flying, running as fast as he could towards the camera, looking all buff and intense.  It was cool.

14. "Vision of Love" by Mariah Carey

Totally had this poster on my college dorm room wall

Sigh. 

I miss pre-skank Mariah.

Anyone under 21, stop what you are doing, go to iTunes and download three songs:  Emotion, Dreamlover and this song.  And listen to them for an education.  THIS is how you sing.  THIS is how you entice.  THIS is how you are FREAKIN AWESOME. 

I would love love love love to see her in concert.  I mean, one of my top five most desired concert experiences.

13. "Nuthin' But a G Thang" by Dr. Dre introducing Snoop Doggy Dogg
In the late 80s, rap was killin, ghetto, hood, shooting, the plight of black people, the plight of poor people, the man holding us down...

When G Thang came out, it all changed.  Rap suddenly didn't have to be a social commentary, it could be just something fun, laid back, smokin' a blunt, drankin' a fo'ty, ridin' in yo' bouncing hyrdrolic low rider,

12. "You Oughta Know" by Alanis Morissette
How fantastic is this song?  How fantastic is this whole "Jagged Little Pill" album?  I remember hearing this song for the first time, I hopped in my car, drove around the corner from Willow Terrace to across the street to On Cue Records and Tapes, and paid $15.98 for it.  Didn't have it, probably bounced the check, but it was worth it. 

She's a little mellow now, and released an acoustic version of this whole album a few years back--and it was good, but it wasnt great.  It wasn't great because she wasn't angry anymore.  I love Angry Alanis.

11. "Jeremy" by Pearl Jam
Remember me telling you about sitting at home, listening to Open House Party on Saturday nights?  This is where I learned about Pearl Jam and heard "Jeremy" for the first time.  And I owned the tape and would play it in my car at school I daresay before anyone knew who was Eddie Vedder even was.

I remember doing some painting work for my boss at The Wright Place restaurant at his home, painting some metal beams for a barn that he was building.  And with my jambox, I had this tape blaring loud and proud.  Back then, kiddies, you got about five songs, then you had to flip the tape over. 

10. "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinead O'Connor
I cannot tell you how awesome this song is.  I mean, seriously.  This will be another song that Lorelei Addison will hear as a very young little girl.



The video is so amazing, as she's starting at the camera, tears streaming down her eyes.  Its on my list of the Saddest Songs Ever.  That countdown is due for a re-do, and "Nothing Compares 2 U" might rank a little higher. 

And this is on my current rotation of songs that I sing while I'm making drinks at Starbucks. 

9. "Losing My Religion" by REM
I've never been a huge REM fan, but this song was captivating.  That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion.  I do believe that not too long ago, Michael Stipe surprised no one when admitting he was gay, he admitted that this song was his struggle with being an Other. 

We used to make fun of REM, saying that REM stood for Rear End Men.  Turns out I wasn't too far from being right.

8. "Waterfalls" by TLC
For all the songs that The Lovely Steph Leann liked on this countdown, I daresay there aren't many songs she hates more than this one.  I like the song itself, but usually only hear it when I'm listening to a playlist that includes my favorite music from that Troy State era.

7. "...Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears
Let's be honest.  Back in 1998, you liked this song.  Don't tell me you didn't.  You had no idea that K-Fed, bald heads, kissing Madonna, that VMA snake, Chaotic, slutsville, rehab, two children, bad music, that Vegas marriage was coming.  All you knew at that time was that this song was awesome, it was catchy, the album was fun, and speaking as a guy, we loved it.

6. "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mixalot
I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE is a line that forever will go down in the "First Lines to a Song" Hall of Fame.  I mean, you can't even say the words "Oh My Gah Becky, look at her butt" without someone laughing, or continuing the line or quoting the song.  Seriously.

This is song is so engrained in our pop culture, it will be one of the songs on this list that will last for decades, maybe a generation.  I don't know if Campbell Isaiah will be exposed to Mixalot at an early age, but it seems to be a good song to sing to babies.  On Friends, Rachel sang it to her kid to calm her down, and when I was visiting my best mate Wookiee, I was holding their daughter Abby Grace and when AG got a little grumpy, I started to whisper "I like big butts and I cannot lie.  You other brothers can't deny..." and like magic, AG quieted. 

5. "Vogue" by Madonna
Eh.

4. "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston
From a favorite film, 51st on The Dave100, its pre-crack Whitney at the top of her career.  As this song started, I just put my head back on the recliner, looked at The Lovely Steph Leann and just sighed, "This song... is just so great." 



A few drug hits and a Bobby Brown later, she can't hit those notes like she used to.  But while you are on iTunes downloading those Mariah songs, make sure you get "How Will I Know", "Saving All My Love For You", "I'm Your Baby Tonight" (radio edit) and this song.  Go now. 

3. "I Want It That Way" by The Backstreet Boys
The Lovely Steph Leann just piped up "This is the BEST!!!"

So one night, Mikey Nipp and I were going to a party somewhere.  We walked to the door and he turned to me, said "I'm going to have the entire room singing Backstreet in ten minutes.  Just watch this." 

He walked in, quietly singing to himself, "you are... my fire... my one... desire..." and sure enough, within ten minutes every girl, and some guys, in the room were singing to themselves "I want it that way" and "you are... my fire..." and so on.  It was hilarious.

2. "One" by U2
When "Achtung Baby" came out, I really dug "Mysterious Ways", which turned out to be my favorite U2 song of all time. 

But I'll just be honest with ya here... this is my absolute least favorite U2 song out there.  When this comes on the radio, I end up just turning it.  There.  I said it.

1. "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana
When we were about three songs from the end, I said, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" is probably number one."  And I was right.

I was the first kid in my high school to own "Nevermind" with the naked baby on the front cover of the tape.  And this song was played a whole heckuva lot in my car.  Kurt Cobain is perhaps not as amazing as people remember him to be (who is, really) but he deserves alot of credit for, along with Pearl Jam, bringing the new grunge alternative sound to the forefront, inspiring rock music like never before, and making all those kids around me who felt Metallica and Alice in Chains were a little too loud have some hope in rock. 



And then, when Weird Al Yankovic came out with "Smells Like Nirvana", I was laughing so hard I literally ran off of the road while driving down the highway in Enterprise, Alabama.

Well, theres your greatest songs of the 90s.

Word to your mother.

Play on, play out.

And Idol the Twain Shall Meet

American Idol. 

Season Nine.

The season that might--nay, is probable to--end Idol's dominance on network tv.  The buzz is gone.  No one is talking postively about this season, no one is excited about this year, and let's face it, as good as Crystal Bowersox is, and as good as Lee DeWyze or Siobhan Magnus might be, who out there is going to buy their CD?  I'm not.  

Yes, Idol has rebounded before... from Ruben Studdard in Season 2, we got Carrie Underwood a few years later. Taylor Hicks ended a down season, only to have David Cook roll through a few years later.  But this year?  The one-two-three-four punch of losing Paula to Kara the New Hotness (much, much hotter than Paula, but not nearly as entertaining) to the addition of America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen, who no one I know is seeing as a good addition, to the overall weak Top 12 (usually when there is a weak Top 12. there are at least three or four that generates some excitement--not this year) to Simon Cowell leaving next season...

Having said that, I do want to add on to last week's recap on Idol Gives Back.  I fast forwarded through most of the segments showing the places the funds are going not because I didn't want to see it, but for times sake.  Just didn't have the time to watch two and almost a half hours worth of montages.  I will say the segment showing Annie Lennox with the young girl who, a few years back, was barely clinging to life and now is healthy and looking great--that was a winner.

American Idol is to be commended for "Idol Gives Back".  Here's a show that, despite a ratings dip, still draws in what seems like a bajillion people very week, and using that platform they are able to reach those bajillion people and ask them for help.  It can be a bit silly, somewhat corny, but the video segments are great.  Not this year, but I've watched them in the past and they are great.  And no doubt, the good they have done is tremendous... last week's show raised $45,000,000, which is awesome.  And I'm sure that Fergie and Joss Stone and others are enjoying the exposure they get for being on the show, I also believe they want to help too, and donate their services. 

Its also worthy of note that American Idol doesn't do this every year... they don't want this to be a "Look at us!  Look at what we are going to do every April!" anymore than it already is, and though they could milk this as a "cash cow", they choose to do it every few years to make it special.  I jab at Idol, the judges, Seacrest and the overall show many times, but in all seriousness, I raise my coffee cup with clouds in it to Idol for the event. 

Alright... enough fluff...

THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL

Shania Twain is, along with Garth Brooks, the face of country music in the 1990s.  Her songs are catchy, memorable, and I don't know anyone who just "hates" Shania.  She's not my favorite, I don't own any of her CDs, and I don't know the words to most of her songs.. but when "Man, I Feel Like a Woman", or "That Don't Impress Me Much" or "Who's Bed Have Your Boots Been Under" I sing along.  I feel compelled to.  And you know what, so do you. 



She's classy, she's beautiful, she's from Canada and so on.  And her stupid husband Mutt left her for another woman, a move that would be like Jesse James cheating on Sandra Bullock with Bombshell McGee, or someone driving a brand new Mercedes M Class, and then trading it in for a 1990 Suburu.  Not a good move.   In perhaps the greatest bit of irony, Shania then went on to date the other woman's man. 

I mention this because not only was Shania a guest judge earlier this year, she is tonight's guest mentor, and tonight is the Music of Shania Twain. 

The Top Six perform!  Big Mike!  Siobhan the Glass Blower!  Aaron the High School Kid!  Crystal the Mama Sox!  Casey the Cindy Jo Dreamboat!  And Lee the... uh... well, that Lee Guy!

Lee DeWyze
He's singing "Still the One'.  I call upon someone I know on Facebook, that being Miss Ivey, the star of her own reality show called "Lee & Missi Ivey + Fivey" (premiering simultaneously on TLC, WE, Versus and SpikeTV in 2012), who said the following:

[I do] NOT understand the hype over Lee DeWyze. Am I the only one that hears how bad his pitch is? The best thing about his performance was me remembering singing that same song to [my husband] at a karaoke contest one time. Don't judge.

Randy the Dawg says this is one of his favorite songs of all time.  Really?  He kinda liked it.  Ellen DeG loved it.  Kara the New Hotness loved it.  Simon the Cowell said it was the perfect song.  For me, personally, I am somewhere between the judges loving it and Missi Ivey not digging it at all. 

Big Mike
This week he's singing "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing", which is a lesser known Shania song... and hearing Shania speak, the Canada in her comes out via accent.  Kinda funny.

Sitting on the steps, Big Mike launches into the ballad.  The camera flashes to Shania in the audience, and she's smiling at the performance.

Randy the Dawg loved it.  America's Favorite Lesbian compared it to Luther Vandross (that is a huge compliment).  Kara the New Hotness loved the connection with the audience.  Simon the Cowell agrees with the Luthor comparison, though he didn't like the performance quite as much as the other judges.  He calls it "Wet" and the cannot explain what he means.  I thought it was great.

Sidebar... I'm not sure about "Furry Vengeance", but it looks like a disaster on par with Obamacare.  That bad. 

Casey James
The long haired superstar is singing "Don't", another one I'm not that familiar with.  CJ says he's extremely excited about this performance, as it will show his soft side.

Dude, I'm really digging this song and his version of it... I like this.  Makes me want to go to iTunes and look up the original.  This sounds like a song that could actually be on the radio today.

Randy loved it.  Ellen DeG loved it, comparing him to Bob Seger, another huge nod.  Kara the New Hotness says she loved it.  Simon the Cowell says that last week (in the Bottom Three) was a big wake up call for CJ, and this week he was great.  He suggests the CJ come down and hug Shania, and in the same way that I would be, he probably takes four steps at time to get there. 

Oh, stop it.  If you told The Lovely Steph Leann, "Hey, there's Colin Firth and he wants to give you a hug", it would take a matter of 0.04 seconds for her to be there.  It would be like the Road Runner cartoons where you'd see just a puff of smoke where she used to be.

Crystal Bowersox
C'Bosox admits she's been a fan since she was a kid.  Admitting its a hint to her boyfriend to "man up", she's singing "No One Needs to Know".  She's completely countrified the whole song, its twangy, its twingy, and it sounds great. 

Randy enjoyed C'Bosox's countrification of the song.  Ellen DeG loved it.  Kara the New Hotness liked it.  Simon the Cowell says it wasn't as good as before... but I liked it.  Better than Lee, actually.

Aaron Kelly
The youngling of Idol is doing "You've Got a Way", which immediately makes me think of the Billy Joel song... though that's "She's got a way.... about her... don't know what it is..."
 
It is worthy of note that the line "...its in the way we make love..." got changed to "...its in the way you show your love...", partly because this is a family show, and partly because no one will believe a 16 year old kid as precious as Aaron Kelly singing about getting it on. 

Randy the Dawg loved it.  Ellen DeG loved it.  Kara the New Hotness mentions the line change, and Aaron admits that he was singing to his mom.  Which means the original line would only work in Mississippi... oh!  Burn!  Simon the Cowell praised the song as well.

Siobhan Magnus
There are some songs in country music that come across as anthems.... I mean, you don't just sing 'em, you belt 'em out.  You go bonkers on them.  You do it loud, you do it proud and as a result of how the song must be properly performed, only certain people can really pull it off... "Ain't Going Down Til the Sun Comes Up" by Garth Brooks is one, "Redneck Woman" from Gretchen Wilson is another.

And "Any Man of Mine" is a third.  This is what Siobhan looks to sing, and good thing because her ballady slowness in the last few weeks has done her no favors.   I dig this song.



This is a song that you don't just sing, you perform it.  And Siobhan, for better or worse, is doing her best to perform it.  She's almost... almost... pulling it off.  She's gotten away from that screech note at the end lately, but she brings it back in full force.

Randy loved it.  Ellen DeG said "Way to pull the Shania Twain into the station".  For a pun master, that was terrible.  Just terrible.  Kara the new Hotness said, "Siobhan's back!!" and Simon thought it was fun, but didn't like that last note.

Tonight... Casey James... Big Mike... Crystal Bowersox... Siobhan Magnus Aaron Kelly... Lee DeWyze

Aaaaaaannnndddd... Results.

We're back... its a few hours later, since I saw the last episode, though 24 hours since the episode actually appeared... and, with one hand on the keyboard and another on the Fast Forward DVR button...

THIS IS

AMERICAN

IDOL RESULTS

Seacrest informs us that Shakira and Rascal Flatts are here tonight, and performances from a few others, including Lady Antebellum... when The Lovely Steph Leann watches this, I have a feeling she'll be watching all the music tonight... well, maybe not Shakira...

Here's Rascal Flatts to kick the show off, with "Unstoppable"... too bad the song is not called "Unfastforwardable"... cause...

Fast Forward through Rascal Flatts

Watch Seacrest banter with Rascal Flatts

Fast Forward through commercials

Fast Forward through Ford Commercial

Fast Forward through Shrek promo

People think I don't like Shrek because its anti-Disney... and thats not really it... I don't like Shrek because aside from a few laughs here and there, I never found it funny.  The first one was clever, I admit, but the second and third one... just not so much.  Cameron Diaz and Antonia Banderas are on stage, now bantering with Seacrest.

Dude, Antonio is looking oooooold.  No joke.

Dim the lights!  Results time!  Usually, whoever you are standing by in the groups of 2 or 3 will tell you if you are in trouble or not... after last night though, not so much.  Last night was unusual, mostly because no one was really bad.  There was some good, there was some great, but nobody bad.

Siobhan Magnus stands up, and is directed to the far side of the stage.  Aaron Kelly is asked to go to the center of the stage.  Big Mike is asked to stand close to the Couches of Comfort, on stage left.  Lee stands up, and is sent to stand with Siobhan.  Casey James stands, and Seacrest asks him to stand with Big Mike.  Kara the New Hotness says, "I've always been a big fan of yours... but not because you are good looking."  Finally, Crystal Bowersox is asked to go stand with Aaron Kelly.

Seacrest then moves Siobhan to stand with Big Mike and Casey, then says, "This is your Bottom Three".  Sneaky, that Ryan Seacrest... this puts Aaron, Lee and Crystal as safe.

Fast Forward through commercials

Fast Forward through The Sons of Sylvia

Carrie Underwood sighting!  She introduces Sons of Sylvia.  Who remembers Sylvia from the early 80s?  She only had two hits, really, but her big one was called "Nobody"...  "Your Nobody called today, she hung up with I asked her name, well I wonder if she thinks she's being clever (clever... oh oh)... you say nobody's after you, if that is what you say is true, well I can love you like Nobody can.  Even better."  Awesome.

Fast Forward through Sons of Sylvia

Fast Forward through commercials

Seacrest is back, and introduces Lady Antebellum.  The Lovely Steph Leann loves, loves, lurves this group.  What can I say... I like 'em to.

Not fast forwarding through Lady Antebellum.

 "Its a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now... said I wouldn't call, but I've lost all control, and I need you now... and I don't know how I can do without,  I just need you now... Its a quarter after one, and I'm a little drunk and I need you now"  Sounds like college for me, how 'bout you?  (I kid, I kid!)  Actually, kinda sounds like The Lovely Steph Leann when she was trying to win me over.  Drunk calling me in the middle of the night, I swear that woman was persistant.  Sheesh.

Fast Forwarding through commercials

Does anyone else think that Shakira looks like Cora, the singer chick from "Music and Lyrics"?  Anyway, she's performing with Rascal Flatts.  And no, that's not a typo.  I end up watching it out of morbid curiousity.  And I'm so glad I didn't fast forward, because I would have missed this exchange:

Seacrest:  Shakira, what advice can you give the remaining contestants?
Shakira:  Well, I can... I can think of the famous quote, its a beautiful quote by Roosevelt, its a quote that is beautiful and famous and it says 'Keep reaching for the stars but keep your feet on the ground', and thats what I would say to them
Seacrest:  I think Casey Kasem said that
Shakira:  Well, I didn't say it

That, my friends, is what as known in the bid-ness as "Comedic Gold".

Dim the Lights, let's kick someone out!  But first, let's send someone back to the Couches of Comfort.  And that someone is Big Mike.  And this is where Siobhan goes home.

Fast forward through commercials

Back with Seacrest... the person who goes home tonight is... Siobhan Magnus.  CALLED IT!  CALLED IT!  CAAAAALLLLEED IT!!!!

What can I say.  Did well, but too little too late.  And with less than half the competition left, this is when we start seeing the surprises go home.  I still predict that Bowersox goes home in the next three weeks, and Lee and Casey end up in the finals. 

The Idol Road to the Dude Half-Dozen

Tonight!  The Top 12 guys take the stage...

THIS IS AMERICAN

IDOL

The Lovely Steph Leann and myself are in the living room of The Cabana, fresh off a dinner at the garden where I guess they grow the olives.  Pretty good Shrimp Portofino, she had soup, we had dessert, and are now in the woes of fullness, on the couch and recliner.  The guys?  Todrick... Aaron.. Jermaine... Tim Urban.. Joe... Tyler... Lee... John... Big Mike... Alex... Casey... and Andrew...

Simon puts it plainly... "if you lose it tonight, or forget the words, your career is over..."

Todrick Hall, 24, from Arlington, TX, was the guy who wrote and sang his own little song.  Tonight, he's doing an R&B version of "Since U Been Gone", starting out with a Boyz II Men'esque narration.  And this might the be most original version of any song I've heard so far this evening.  My man is busting it...

Not sure if the vocals are perfect, but the energy is up, and its a fun version of an already fun song.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Pretty cool", and America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen DeGeneres is all smiles.  She thought the chorus was a little rough, but loved the performance.  Randy the Dawg is one of those that has been saying "make the song your own!", as is Kara the Hotness... and yet, they both sit here and say, "I didn't recognized that song, that was a crazy arrangement..."  Simon didn't like it either, saying, "You murdered the song."  I kinda liked it.  So there.

Aaron Kelly, 16, from Sonestown, PA, is the youngest guy in the contest this year.   He's singing Rascal Flatts "Here Comes Goodbye", which as a huge Rascal Flatts fan, The Lovely Steph Leann picked up immediately.  He sings, he finished, I'm underwhelmed.   "You could tell he was nervous, but it was good," The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up.

Simon says, "It was quite a good performance."  Kara the New Hotness says, "You have no idea how great your talent is."  Randy the Dawg says, "You got all those pipes..."  And Ellen the Talk Show Host says, "You'll be here a long time."

Personally, I think Jermaine Purifory should be here, not Jermaine Sellers... but Jermaine Sellers it is.  He's 27, from Joliet, IL, singing "Man in the Mirror" during an audition, and seemed like he was blaming the band.

He's singing "Get Here" by Oleta Adams, one of those tender, soft, precious songs that has to be very, very hard to sing.  How's he doing?  Eh.  Just eh.  The original is by far and away better. 

Ellen says she loves his look, she loves the song, but felt that he was only singing the song as a performance and not really feeling it.  Randy the Dawg said he loved the song, but the song seemed too old for him, and that The Wrong Jermaine was trying to do too much with it.  Kara the New Hotness agreed with Randy the Dawg.  Simon the Cowell says it sounded like a cocktail piano bar song, and that he was trying to oversing it.... The Lovely Steph Leann nods her head.

Up next is Tim Urban, 20, from Duncanville, TX, a dude I know very little about.  I have to give a nod to Erin the Marine Wife, as we discovered that Big Mike isn't the one who was cut (his father did tell people, and caused some trouble), it was a guy named Chris Golightly who was cut for unspecified reasons.  Anyway, Tim "Not Keith" Urban got the call, and is on the show now.

"Apologize" by OneRepublic is the song... The Lovely Steph Leann groans, "I hate this song."  Poor KT, she's missing this, as this is her favorite song of all time.  Yeah, I'm not a big fan of the song either.  Hitting the high notes on "tooooo laaaaateeeeee" wasn't good for Tim "Not Keith" Urban... 

Simon says, "Congrats for coming back, but based on that performance, we made the right decision the first time when we cut you."  Kara the New Hotness said the music just swallowed him up.  Randy the Dawg said it was just the wrong song all the way around.  Ellen the Talk Show Host says it was smart to choose a song that people like, but it just didn't sound good.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "I do like him better than I do that Ashley Rod girl..."

Joe Munoz, 20, from California, another guy we don't know alot about, another guy who did "Man in the Mirror" during Hollywood Week.  Joe the Latin Lover is doing "You and I Both" by Jason Mraz, one of my Top 250 songs of all time.  And Joe the Latin Lover seems to be doing quite well... maybe a little safe, but he's not trying to do too much with it, he's not trying to oversing it, he's just doing the song the way I would have done it, were I able to sing.  Which I am not.  Not that I don't try.  Its a song that has over 40 plays on the iPod, so I've sung it loud before...

Ellen the Talk Show host liked the song, liked the performance... Randy the Dawg says, "Not for me for you, for me, for you, for you, for me, you worked it."  Kara the New Hotness didn't expect him to sing this song, but loved it.  Simon the Cowell says, "I kinda agree... but not really.  Based on that performance, I don't think you are a star."

Its Tyler Grady, 20, from Nazereth, PA, and this is a guy that The Lovely Steph Leann adores.  She says, "I'm going to hush, because I don't want to say anything to jinx him!"   He's singing, perhaps to The Lovely Steph Leann, the big hit by The Guess Who?, "American Woman". 

This seems like a song that the band would love to play onstage.  None of that pansy Oleta Adams, "Get Here" crap, oh, nay nay... let's rock it out with some 1970 Guess Who? music baby.  Dig it.

As for the song, its not bad.  Its not great.  Its... well, eh.  I said, "He seems like he's shouting alot of it," and The Lovely Steph Leann defends him by saying, "Well, that's much of the song...."  Simon the Cowell said the song was a bit cliche and unnatural.  Kara the New Hotness says he has a frontman personality, but isn't keen on the 70s gimmick.  Randy the Dawg says they've seen this from him already, they want something more.  Ellen agrees, telling him he needs charisma.

Lee Dewyze, 23, from Chicago, IL, and is a paint clerk.  But now, he's a guitar playin' Idol hopeful.  He was the rockin' kind of guy singing "You Found Me", which was awesome in Hollywood Week.  He's singing Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars", which seems like a song right in his wheelhouse.

His shirt says "Weapon of Choice", which makes me like him already.  His vocals aren't perfect, but he almost seems like the most normal, down to earth guy out of the entire roster.  Ellen the Talk Show Host says she thought it was a good song choice, though he seemed like he screamed a little bit.  Randy the Dawg didn't like the song choice at all, wishing he had gone a little harder.  Kara the New Hotness didn't like the really small range of the song.  Simon the Cowell says, "I thought this was the best performance of the whole night so far."

The judges mention that he should do a Kings of Leon song.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Uh... I don't know who those people are..."  We're old.

Up next is John Park, 21, from North Park, IL, who was praised by Shania Twain to the point where it was almost creepy. 

"God Bless This Child", a jazz classic, is what he's singing... I think, actually.  He sings the first four lines, and until he gets to the chorus, I didn't know he was singing English.  I thought this was perhaps a foriegn song, along the lines of La Bamba.  I look at The Lovely Steph Leann and say, "I didn't understand any of those first lines... did you?"  She shakes her head no. 

He sounds pretty good, but mumbles a whole lot.  Simon the Cowell tells him that he needs an incredible voice to sing that song, and he doesn't.  Zero emotion.  Flat.  Kara the New Hotness calls it loungy and sleepy.  Randy the Dawg said he liked the runs and bridge, but beyond that, not much else.  They all tell him he's got a voice, but bad selection.  Ellen the Talk Show Host says that was a song that is not going to get the girls to vote for him.  I agree... didn't like the song, didn't understand the song, didn't think he was all that great.

Michael Lynche, 26, from St. Pete, Florida, the birthtown of The Lovely Steph Leann.  Big Mike was featured during Hollywood Week because his baby girl was born that very same week. 

Big Mike is singing "This Love" by Maroon 5.  He looks like a linebacker, holding his guitar, not really sure if he's even playing it, and singing the song.  The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Its a little nasal", but I kinda like the performance.   And she likes it too, despite the nasally quality that she's hearing. 

How in the world did Big Mike & Joe the Latin Lover end up having two of my favorite performances tonight? 

Ellen loves his personality, loved the song choice and love the performance.  Randy the Dawg likes him, his persona and the song.  Kara the New Hotness says, "It was little depressing until you came up here and did your thing".  She admits if there had been lots of great performances, they might be more critical, but since there hasn't been, they won't be.  Simon, however, calls him an opening act.  I liked him. 

Alex Lambert, 19, from Texas, is a high school student.  At 19?  Anyway, he's the guy who was stuck in Mary Powers group, and in a video flashback, she says cheerfully, "I'll never be in this guy's group again" and he says, "I hate you."

Alex "Don't Call Me Adam" Lambert is singing some James Morrison, a guy I just don't know much music from.   The Lovely Steph Leann says, "He kinda reminds me of that Firefly Owl City guy."  I can see that... Alex "Don't Call Me Adam" Lambert has this raspy kind of voice, and the makings of what seems like a baby mullet going on. 

Simon the Cowell says, "I don't know who was happier for that to end, me or you."  He says Alex "Don't Call Me Adam" Lambert has to get his nerves together, and that he's a good singer.  Kara the New Hotness says he's got crazy tone, and that he sounds alot like James Morrison, but its not all together yet.  Randy the Dawg likes him, as does Ellen, who makes a mullet observation, then tells him he's like a banana that is not quite ripe enough yet.  Uh... okay...

And here comes Casey James, 27, from Fort Worth, and we hope he keeps his shirt on.  "Heaven" by Bryan Adams is his song of choice.  Sitting on a stool, plucking his guitar, he kinda sounds like a... well, a singer.  A good singer in a coffeehouse or a small concert.  Kara the New Hotness was the one who asked him to take his shirt off, and Idol has played up this whole, schoolyard "Kara likes Casey!" angle, which is sort of goofy.   Of course, she is only 39, 40 this year, so who knows?

Kara the New Hotness says, "I'm married, thank you!" and Randy the Dawg says, "For now!"  Kara is all kinds of being weird and stuttering and such... Randy the Dawg liked the song choice, the swagger, and says, "I liked you too, but not in that way!"  Kara the New Hotness says, "Seriously, though... you are eye and ear candy."  Simon the Cowell says, "Casey, we were both cursed with good looks.  You chose the right song, it was honest, it was good..."

Seacrest says, "Remember, tomorrow is the results show, and Friday is Kara's HR meeting..."

Oh, just an aside... apparently, as I just learned, "Casey James" is also the name of an adult film star.  So if you Google "Casey James", make sure you add the words "American Idol", and then make sure your search filter is on.  Cause... well, trust me.  Eeew.

Now, to close out the show, its Andrew Garcia, 24, from Moreno Valley, California.  He's this squatty Hispanic guy with square glasses, who got all teary eyed when he found out he was headed to the Top 24.   He's a guy I hope does well.

Fall Out Boy's "Sugar We're Going Down" is what he's singing, and like several others, chooses to do the guitar route.  Andy Garcia is taking a song that just about everyone knows, and puts a new spin on it.

Simon the Cowell says, "I was looking forward to hearing you the most tonight, but you disappointed me."  And I kinda agree.  It was a decent arrangement, but not a great peformance.  Kara the New Hotness thought the rendition was strange, but she really likes him.   Randy the Dawg didn't like the version, but is a fan of Andy Garcia.  America's Favorite Lesbian Ellen says she's a fan as well, but tonights song wasn't great. 

So, here's my rankings for tonight... Joe the Latin Lover... Casey James... Big Mike... Aaron Kelly... Lee Dewyze... Andy Garcia.... Todrick Hall... Tyler Grady... The Wrong Jermaine... Alex "Don't Call Me Adam" Lambert... John Park... Tim "Not Keith" Urban

So, if I'm picking the Dude Half-Dozen, to go along with the Chick Six, as of right now, I'm taking Joe the Latin Lover, Casey James, Big Mike, Andy Garcia and Lee Dewyze and as of right now, Todrick Hall. 

American Chi-Dol

There are a select group of women on this Earth, and this group includes Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johanssen, Samson High School's Jennifer Lambert and Troy State grad and Alpha Gam Mandy Stewart, a group of beautiful women, a group of chicks that guys look at and just swoon.  This group is what I call the Jolie Group... women that I'm sure I should find extremely attractive and/or I should be totally attracted to, but for whatever reason, just aren't.  Now, I can't speak for Jolie or ScarJo, but I knew Jennifer Lambert to be extremely nice and yeah, she was quite pretty, and Mandy the Gam was gorgeous... but I never had a thing for 'em.  Most guys I know did.  Why do I even say all this? 

Because tonight's guest host, Shania Twain, is a card carrying Jolie Girl member.  She's pretty, I'll admit, but I have never was into her.  I knew guys in college, back in her major heyday of the early to mid-90s, that was just in absolute love (lust?) with Shania, but never me.  I was a Patty Loveless guy back then, and I'm more of a Dixie Chick, Lee Ann Womack & Pickles kinda guy now.  Yay Pickles!

Alrighty, Shania and Pickles aside...

THIS IS

AMERICAN

IDOL

Coming from Chicago, the opening shows several people walking out, using all sorts of fun words like "fudge" and "bassbowl" and "meaniehead" and "dorkyface" and such to describe the show and its judges. 

The obligatory shout out to He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected, something about how since he's the first African American President and he's from Chicago.  Whatever.  Hey, voters, how's that hope & change workin' out for you?

Gotta admit, she's getting better looking as she gets older... plus, I never said her music wasn't good.  Her songs are tchotsky, chinzy and cheesy... "Man, I Feel Like a Woman" and "Who's Bed Have Your Boots Been Under" and "(Don't Be Stupid) You Know I Love You" are all cheesypoof songs... but they are addicting.  Man, I feel like a woman!  Okay... I was singing there online, don't take it literal, okay?  Okay?  Okay.

Let's move on to Frizzy Haired Katelyn Epperly with a backstory.  Her parents are dealing with a divorce, and she's got it rough... she's singing "Syrup and Honey" by Duffy, an artist that I felt like should have been bigger based on the amount of acclaim and love she got from critics over the last few years... but wasn't. 

Frizzy Haired Katelyn Epperly did well, and she gets four yes votes.

Big Chick Amy Lang is a Broadway Girl, and she seems a little too perky to be successful on this show.  By that I mean, she's annoying.  She tells Ryan she had a dream about him, and said it ended "Good!"  Ryan seems a little freaked. 

And she's doing Aretha's "Dr. Feelgood".  She does this mock "pass out", leaving the judges shocked, and then leaps up and starts into murdering Aretha.   Then she does this "boob thing".   I don't even want to go into this... Simon says no.  Shania the Jolie Girl says no.  Randy the Dawg says no.  Kara the Hotness says no.  And somehow, I feel violated.

Here comes 16 year old Charity Vance, who lives in a house that also has a salon in it.  Her mom says, "We've been watching American Idol since she was 8 years old", which makes me feel really old, because I've been watching American Idol since I was 26.  She starts out with "Summertime", and though I'm not huge on the song, her voice is great! 

Simon really liked it, as did the other judges... and four yes votes sends her to Hollywood Week!  She goes on my "ones to watch" list.

Our first montage of terrible auditions comes up, with everything from accordian playing butch chicks to terrible costumes to screaming to a high pitched Hawaiian guy.   And outside, people are crying, discussing how much of a joke this show is, how the judges don't know talent and how we'll see all of them soon enough.

Mama:  Simon, how could you say such things to my daughter?
Simon: You didn't like what I said?
Mama:  Oh, hayl to tha' no!

Here's a backstory of a girl who auditioned in Season 7 and Season 8, having her father die in 7, and then having a traffic violation/court date in Season 8.  Wouldn't know anything about that. 

Angela Martin is doing "Just Fine" by Mary J. Blige, and at 28, this is her final shot.  You'll see this girl in the Semi-Finals.  Simon says, "you're really talented, you need a break, and your just good."  Kara the Hotness says she likes how Angela listens to the criticism and follows it.  Shania the Diva and Randy the Dawg agree.

Several others end up going to Hollywood as well, a total of 7 get the golden ticket.

In Day Two, a montage of people that have no shot of being the next American Idol screaming "I'm going to be the next American Idol".  Curley Newbern is singing something by Maxwell in such a high voice that there are dogs outside The Cabana that just keeled over, passed out.  I have no idea what the lyrics even were... imagine singing the line "fraahahhy hayd ajj ayd ahhay llao ahhda haaaaa".... yet, at a high pitched volume.  That would be Curley.

Alannah Halbert is torturing Whitney Houston's version of "I Will Always Love You".  The judges even try to give her the key to sing, and nothing happens, except Alannah keeps going, causing great pain and agony.  And she's not sure why they said no.

More contestants go in and come out without a golden ticket. 

Here's Brian Krause, a 27 year old guy who was in the military--he used to sing for the troops.  This is going to be bad.  Really bad.  He starts out singing Tiny Tim, again, butchering "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", his eyes rolling up in this head, his teeth bared, and everything was all wrong.  Everyone says no...

He's going to go relax his thoughts in a bubble bath--his words, not mine.

Harold Davis, from Chicago, shows up, sunshades, white fedora, he's gonna hold that perfect note, fight for the glory of being on the Idol... he's gonna shoot off like a rocket.  He also holds a note for at least 20 seconds.  "Nice and Slow" by Usher is the song he chooses to smack around.  He's also got a hip move thing going, staring at Kara the Hotness and Shania the Twain.  Harold says, "I just got some allergies, its my allergies and..." they cut him off and tell him no.  He hangs his head and starts crying.

Really?  Harold?  Seriously, be a man.  You're standing in front of Hot Kara and Shania Twain who every guy in the world, except me, thinks is one of the most beautiful chicks around... and you cry?  You need to turn in you Straight Card, poncho.

Chantelle Gransomethingorother tryies a Shania song... and its terrible.  "That Don't Impress Me Much" is played as they show contestants singing her music. 

John Park, an Asian fella, comes in, saying that he wants music to express who he is inside.  No matter how he expresses himself, he sounds great.  Shania says that John Park has a great body and a nice lips, and a nice tone.  Uh...

...and a nice voice.  She giggles like a little girl.  Kara, Randy and Simon all say yes as well.  

By the way... despite my lack of wunderlust at Ms. Twain, there is still no excuse for 1) Being Mutt Lange, her not-as-attractive-husband who Shania fell in love with and then all these years later, cheating on Shania and 2) Cheating on Shania with the lady he cheated on her with.  Put it this way... in the picture, one of these women is Shania Twain, an artist who sold over 70 million records, had a dozen number one hits, is loaded to the gills and is very, very beautiful  The other is Marie-Anne Thiebaud, who Mutt cheated with.

Oh, don't feel too bad for Shania... she hooked up with Frederic.  That's Frederic Thiebaud.  As in, was married to Marie-Anne before she cheated on him.   I'm going to spot you a buck and let you bet on who got the better end of this deal... Shania or Mutt.

Anyway... Paige Dechausse is coming up... and the words "...they said she had a 30 percent chance of surviving..." come into play.   She's 21, and she's got great, great hair.  Just sayin'.

As a kid she's had asthma, and almost died when she was 15 after an attack while singing.   The doctors said she might have brain damage... but here she is!  Cindy Jo is openly weeping right now.  "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cooke is her song of choice... and whether the judges do or not, I really like her.  Simon says no.  Kara and Shania say yes.  Its up to Randy the Dawg, and the chicks are begging him to say yes... and... and... and... and... Randy says yes. 

The Black Chris Sligh, also known as Justin Ray (listed as unemployed) and Bryan Adams imitator Bryan Semple and Marcus Jones doin' Edwin McCain all come up to try out... Bryan Adams 2 makes it.   Marcus makes it.  The Black Chris Sligh makes it too. 

Thirteen made it this time, from Chi-Town... here's who I'm going to watch for... Paige Dechausse, Angela Martin and Charity Vance

Shania, Obama and Other Randomness

Random thoughts while watching the Lakers & Celtics, Game 3. Go C's!!

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If you are Mutt Lange, how do you cheat on Shania Twain? I mean, what more do you want, Mutt? Have you looked in a mirror lately? Your lady is rich, she's nice, she's smokin' hot, she's talented, and she loves you... how do you cheat on Shania Twain? And the lady he stepped out with? If you're going to cheat on Shania, make it with Carrie Underwood, or Taylor Swift, or heck, even Sara Evans... but the chick he was with? It would be like me cheating on The Lovely Steph Leann with Paul Carby.


Shania.... for this? Seriously?

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Kung Fu Panda. Good movie. I laughed, lots. I will say that Jackie Chan (Monkey) didn't have enough to do, but still, it was quite a good flick, and excellent for kids and adults alike.

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I think its a mistake to snatch up every single super hero in comics and make a movie out of them... I mean, some characters translate well to film--ie, Hugh Jackman's Wolverine, Alan Cummings as Night Crawler, Tobey Maguire as Spidey and Christian Bale as Bruce Wayne. Some, as Jenn Garner's Elektra and Brandon Routh's Superman can tell you, don't.

Here's a link to The 20 Superhero Movies We Hope They Never Make. #15 is so scary I almost poo'd myself.

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We kept our 10 year old niece Maddie here at The Cabana this weekend. Friday night, it was Unca' Dave and Little Maddie hanging out, which included the obligatory trip to the mall. We ended up spending some time in Libby Lu.

Its a teen/tween/drama queen dream. If you are babysitting, or caretaking of a young girl, just go there, let them run wild. Takes a good half hour or more of your time. If you want to use up even more time, give them some money to spend there--it'll be another 20 minutes for them to make their mind up on what to buy.

That being said, I think that if you are male, and don't have a child with you, you should be arrested for going into that store, because either you are R. Kelly, or scoping for chicks, and neither is good. I think Chris Hanson should just set up Dateline's cameras right here, in a new episode of "To Catch a Predator".

I almost expected him to walk out of Brookstone and stop me... "Excuse me, what are you doing here? Why don't you have a seat on that speckled, glittery stool right there..."

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Not only does "Get Smart" feature The Rock, whom I've got a mancrush on, but it also features Anne Hathaway, who might be one of the hottest chicks in Hollywood (could possibly be an heir apparent to The Goddess)... so why don't I want to see it?

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The fine art of buttering popcorn is lost on today's generation of theater working teenagers. I worked at a theater in college, then not too long after I moved to Birmingham, and I learned how to butter a tub of popcorn. You put a scoop or two it, give it a swirl of butter, put in more, swirl more butter on it, and so on until its full. That way, as you are eating the popcorn, just when you think you are out of popcorn with sufficient butter on it, well, looky there, more butter!

Today's kids? They just fill it up and do one swig of butter from the machine. If you ask for extra butter, you might get some in the middle. Absolutely no clue of the classics.

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Who hasn't wanted to own a Flux Capacitor?

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Stormtroopers posin'. That's all I can say. Its hilarious.

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I've talked about this on a previous blog... but I gotta tell ya, one of the most random, stupid movies ever that catches me when I flip past it on cable is "Employee of the Month". Dane Cook actually seems funny, Andy Dick is somewhat likable, and for whatever reason, Jessica Simpson is somewhat cute. (note to Tony Romo: Carrie is still hotter. If she wants you back, drop Jess like a bad habit).

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I maintain a theory that Barack Hussein Obama says nothing better than anyone else in the history of the world. He could teach Paula Abdul about sunshine and all of its blowing traits. I also think that when you take away the teleprompter, Barack the Magic Negro completely melts down with a deer in the headlights-like appearance.

Here's a transcript from his speech from last Thursday in Bristol, Virginia... someone asked him about universal healthcare--I had to listen to this about fifteen times to get it down perfectly. I suffer for you people. When you see "...", that doesn't mean I cut something out, this is exactly what he said.

Here's his answer:

"What they'll say is, well, it costs too much money, but, you know what? It would cost ab... it would, it would, it would cost about the same as what we would spend... it... over the course of ten years it would cost what it would cost us... it (uncomfortable chuckle)... alright, okay... we're going to... the... it would cost us about the same as it would cost for about... (someone in the audience says something--and keep in mind, other than this one guy, the audience is dead silent) Hold on one second, I can't hear myself. But I'm glad you're fired up though. I'm glad."

He continued by saying,"Everybody knows that it makes no sense that, you send a kid to the emergency room for a treatable illness like asthma, they end up taking up a hospital bed, it costs... when... if you... they just gave, gave them treatment early, and they got some treatment and... uh... a breathalyzer... or an inhalator... not a breathalyzer (crowd finally laughs) I haven't had much sleep in the last 48 hours..."

Yes, I'm sure he's tired, and yes, we all stumble over our words sometimes--heck, I stutter often... but my point is, if this is Dubya, the media would be going nuts about what a stupid, bumbling idiot he is.

Course, as busy as the clean and articulate Barack the Magic Negro is, its no wonder he hasn't visited all 57 states... or, with one left to go, that makes 58... though he hasn't been to Alaska or Hawaii... so 59? I'm so confused.

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You know, I don't know that I would have a problem with nationalized healthcare on two conditions... 1) its not mandatory. I want the option to get my own. 2) The government doesn't run it.

This is my big issue. You want our government, our Congress, who can't balance their budget, who has pumped billions of dollars into programs that don't work, who can't keep their Washington Senate cafes open (!) to run our healthcare program. By the way, if you click on the link, remember that our government majority tells us that privatization is a bad thing, and nationalization is a good thing.

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Whew... feel like I just opened up a firestorm with that. I'm going to get comments, I'm sure. I may respond, I may not... but I will say I'm in a weird position--I don't like either guy. McCain or Barack Hussein Obama. So anything I say about The Magic Negro, I'll probably agree with your responses when you get down on Johnny Mac.

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One of my favorite things about The Lovely Steph Leann? When she wears blue. God did this great thing with eyes where sometimes, if the clothes and the eye color match, the eyes shine. And The Lovely Steph Leann's does, when she wears blue. Her eyes dance. They're pretty eyes anyway, but they are so enamoring when they dance. I love it.

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And finally, I went thrift store shopping the other day with my buddies Jason, Croyle and Paulie Walnuts. The plan, originally, was for Jason to find a used tackle or tool box, but as the afternoon wore on, it was pretty clear that he just wanted an excuse to go out to thrift stores.

Perhaps the best one I'd ever seen was on Highway 150, right across from the Wal-Mart shopping center. Very clean, very organized. We somehow visited one in Centerpoint, then another in Centerpoint, which was like a football field full of nothing but crap. I mean, 8 tracks, vases, cups (I saw the same CBS 42 cup in all three stores), old clothes, tvs falling apart, couches falling apart, and we all felt somewhat dirty when we left.

Centerpoint is not really the safest places for three white guys and a half-Mexicali to be hanging out, so we all wore our Kevlar tightly. The highlight of the day, though, was some guy on his motorcycle who flew past us on his crotch rocket, wheelie and all. Secretly, we were hoping he would fall off.

So anyway, we're strumming along, and we somehow catch up to him. Croyle is driving, so we arne't trying to catch up--he's not known for his interstate speed. The guy on the rocket looks over at us, has this look if "wha? how did you...??" and speeds off. He gets caught behind a truck, and we pass him again. This time we all grin and wave.

This is the kind of stuff you get all the time being single, but only get every now and again married. Paulie Walnuts said, "You know what, forget the wives. Let's just hang out tonight."

Woulda been nice...