I don’t like racists. Not even a little bit. Like if there’s a guy who’s all, “I hate races” and stuff, I’m all “whatever, racist, you suck”. Because you know what? Races are fun. You get to see stuff go really fast and whatever. (Except for those races where they just go in a circle a zillion times. That’s like yawning a zillion times and then taking a nap and dreaming of taking another nap. Then you wake up and you think you took two naps, but you didn’t, so even though you’re rested you feel tired again because you were expecting to be twice as rested as you are.)
***
It’s okay to put too much filler in a pillow. Pillow-filling isn’t rocket science or brain surgery, and it’s damn sure not accountancy. Just relax. You’re not the first person to overfill a pillow. It’s all going to be just fine.
But God help you if you do it again. Seriously. Learn from your mistakes, jackass.
***
Sometimes it’s really hard not to think about how happy I was with her. How we used to cuddle and make fun of the news together. The time we made out in the back of a car, only we didn’t know whose car it was. And the time she broke up with me because she wanted to see someone else and I wanted her to not do that. That was like having my heart ripped out by burning hot tongs and stomped on by a bunch of rhinos.
Okay, I guess that last part was not such a fun memory. Anyway, thanks for asking. Would you like to hear about our specials?
***
Sweetheart, come over here and sit down. How was your day at school? Did you learn a lot? Oh, good. Always try to learn something new every day. That’s good advice even for when you’re grown up.
There’s something important Daddy needs to tell you. Your Mommy and I love you very, very much. You and your sisters are the most important things in the world to us, and we will always, always love you. Always and forever.
No, not Timmy. Well, for one thing, he’s adopted. We didn’t exactly get the pick of the litter there, if you know what I mean. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with him. He’s okay. But when we look at him, we can’t help thinking “We could have done better.”
***
I really think cashews are my favorite nut. It’s funny to think of them that way - “favorite nut”. You can say it four or five times, and it still sounds funny. You get this picture of yourself in your head, like you’re this dandy with a walking stick and a satin-lined cape and a monocle. I guess you must have spent too much on the cape and walking stick to afford to see out of both eyes. But that’s how it is when you’re a dandy.
***
Things that are on my desk right now:
- Laptop computer
- Reference books
- Three-hole punch
- Metal can of pens and scissors
- Coffee mug
- Altoids
- The ghost of a leprechaun I murdered
- Some CDs
- Tums
- Advil
***
The first King of Uruguay was Roger IV. He was called that because it was his name.
He was famous for various deeds and actions, including the time when he mistook the Duchess of Norfolk for the Duchess of Suffolk at a fancy party and stuck his big toe down her dress (as was the fashion at the time). Also there was a time when he did something else which was memorable.
After he was King for a while, he died and someone else got to be King. Such are the customs of the Uruguayan people.
***
The surest way to shame your proud Viking forebears is to say, “Shame! Shame on you, proud Viking forebears!” in a firm and disapproving tone.
***
People often ask me, “What did you like least about making love to the most beautiful woman in the world?”
Sometimes I say, “Stopping.”
Other times I say, “Waking up.”
But if I’m being honest with myself, and I let myself go to a place that’s just raw and open and real, I’ll say, “Get out of my bedroom, you jerks. We’re busy!”
***
You are walking in the deep woods. The trail before you is barely more than a memory, a faint whisper from the ancient history of the forest. The trees look tall as hills, and it would take three of you to reach around their massive trunks. You hear birdsong - beautiful and innocent, it inspires you to a reverence no cathedral choir ever could. More and more you remember that you, too, are a part of nature.
Then your phone rings. You get reception way out there? Who’s your carrier?
Never mind. It’s Uncle Dave. Wow, this is going to suck. Uncle Dave just “wanted to say hi”, which means you’re going to be stuck talking to him for at least 45 minutes. He has to tell you about every last thing your cousin Paula is doing, because Paula is the best thing since sliced bread (which she invented using a time machine she made for her sixth-grade science fair). Christ, what an asshole.
Finally! He’s done talking now. Back to your reverie, back to your oneness with nature. Except that now you’re getting bitten by about a thousand mosquitoes. Did you know it’s just the females that bite? You did? Well excuse me, Baron von Entomologist. Maybe you should tell the story.
***
sem tםtulo by ~ misscertezas on Flickr.
