Mariposa canaria… on Flickr.butterfly!

71. It’s easy to pretend that everything is OK, that it’s all going to work out and no one is going to get hurt. But it’s more fun to pretend that you have a billion dollars and your girlfriend is Scarlett Johansson.

72. When a woman is selecting the proper bathing suit, she should keep in mind what looks best on her body type, what colors work well with her skin, and what kind of soaps and lotions she plans to use when she bathes in it.

73. Here’s some free advice.

74. “Arugula? Who would name their daughter ‘Arugula’? That’s ridiculous, Shane. Give a girl a name like that and you might as well sign her up for vegan trapeze artist singing telegram delivery school right now.”

75. In Uruguay, it is customary for the bride’s family to throw a lavish feast a fortnight before the wedding. This is so people can remember what a fortnight is.

76. Different cultures have different standards of beauty. For example, the Lychee tribes of the Cha’a desert only consider a man beautiful if his right pectoral muscle is at least 30% larger than his left. The Zhuk people of Kyrgyzstan consider their daughters unsuitable for marriage without a velvety coat of fine golden down on their earlobes. And of course in our culture no woman would think of dating a man with lower Scrabble scores than her own.

77. I think it’s great that we now have drugs for men who can’t get it up. But this begs the question: why can’t we also have drugs for men who can’t keep it down? A little blue pill to help them keep it in their pants and off the Internet. You know, something like Coldshowerex or Limpitol. Get on with it, science!

78. Legends tell of a man who defeated thirty giants in an hour, using only a loaf of bread, a wedge of cheese, and an H-bomb. That man is now wanted for crimes against humanity.

79. If you keep your wits about you, you still need to wear clothes. I mean, come on. 

80. I tried to tell you, Mom, I really did. But then that giant chicken came and ate Dad, and the transmission went out on the Chevy, and a volcano erupted in my corn field, and those nomads kidnapped my wife, and Superman called me a “stupid worthless fucking jerkwad” in front of the whole country, and I got Legionnaire’s disease and appendicitis, and someone taught me how to play Uno only they didn’t do it right so I thought you got free parking if you sunk the destroyer - you know how stuff happens. It’s just life.

Uruguay – Colonia de Sacramento Image by elrentaplats www.rutabaobab.com/2010/04/uruguay-colonia-de-sacramento/

Mariposa canaria… on Flickr.

butterfly!

61-70 of X

61. A punch in the knee beats three in the crotch.

62. The best allergy medicine is that stuff that cures all allergies forever. But you can’t get it in America, because Big Sniffle wants you to keep buying Kleenexes. That’s just how capitalism works.

63. There are more chemicals in one gram of UltraChem than in six gallons of water.

64. I think we could resolve all the questions about who Shakespeare was and if he really wrote all those plays by just asking him. Why keep drawing it out? We’re not Belgians.

65. In Uruguay, it is impossible to pass on the left. Something about the laws of physics or Catholicism.

66. I bet you a dollar that Edgar Allan Poe never seduced one of the Baltimore Orioles. Oh, he wanted to, but no way he ever did. Not with those hips.

67. I broke a mirror once. But I have a good attorney who negotiated it down to six and a half years’ bad luck. He’s worth that $35k retainer I pay every year.

68. It’s okay to fantasize about celebrities. Oh, the things I imagine I’ve done with starlets and models and singers! But it’s not okay to tell them about it, not in front of their real-life partners. You don’t want to give those jerks any fresh ideas.

69. Pain is just your body’s way of telling you “this sucks”.

70. If you really want to annoy the President, tell him you have a way to end war and suffering but you won’t tell him unless he tickles you.

sem tםtulo by ~ misscertezas on Flickr.

I don’t like racists. Not even a little bit. Like if there’s a guy who’s all, “I hate races” and stuff, I’m all “whatever, racist, you suck”. Because you know what? Races are fun. You get to see stuff go really fast and whatever. (Except for those races where they just go in a circle a zillion times. That’s like yawning a zillion times and then taking a nap and dreaming of taking another nap. Then you wake up and you think you took two naps, but you didn’t, so even though you’re rested you feel tired again because you were expecting to be twice as rested as you are.) 

***

It’s okay to put too much filler in a pillow. Pillow-filling isn’t rocket science or brain surgery, and it’s damn sure not accountancy. Just relax. You’re not the first person to overfill a pillow. It’s all going to be just fine.

But God help you if you do it again. Seriously. Learn from your mistakes, jackass.

***

Sometimes it’s really hard not to think about how happy I was with her. How we used to cuddle and make fun of the news together. The time we made out in the back of a car, only we didn’t know whose car it was. And the time she broke up with me because she wanted to see someone else and I wanted her to not do that. That was like having my heart ripped out by burning hot tongs and stomped on by a bunch of rhinos.

Okay, I guess that last part was not such a fun memory. Anyway, thanks for asking. Would you like to hear about our specials?

***

Sweetheart, come over here and sit down. How was your day at school? Did you learn a lot? Oh, good. Always try to learn something new every day. That’s good advice even for when you’re grown up.

There’s something important Daddy needs to tell you. Your Mommy and I love you very, very much. You and your sisters are the most important things in the world to us, and we will always, always love you. Always and forever.

No, not Timmy. Well, for one thing, he’s adopted. We didn’t exactly get the pick of the litter there, if you know what I mean. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with him. He’s okay. But when we look at him, we can’t help thinking “We could have done better.”

***

I really think cashews are my favorite nut. It’s funny to think of them that way - “favorite nut”. You can say it four or five times, and it still sounds funny. You get this picture of yourself in your head, like you’re this dandy with a walking stick and a satin-lined cape and a monocle. I guess you must have spent too much on the cape and walking stick to afford to see out of both eyes. But that’s how it is when you’re a dandy.

***

Things that are on my desk right now:

1. Laptop computer
2. Reference books
3. Three-hole punch
4. Metal can of pens and scissors
5. Coffee mug
6. Altoids
7. The ghost of a leprechaun I murdered
8. Some CDs
9. Tums
10. Advil

***

The first King of Uruguay was Roger IV. He was called that because it was his name.

He was famous for various deeds and actions, including the time when he mistook the Duchess of Norfolk for the Duchess of Suffolk at a fancy party and stuck his big toe down her dress (as was the fashion at the time). Also there was a time when he did something else which was memorable.

After he was King for a while, he died and someone else got to be King. Such are the customs of the Uruguayan people.

***

The surest way to shame your proud Viking forebears is to say, “Shame! Shame on you, proud Viking forebears!” in a firm and disapproving tone.

***

People often ask me, “What did you like least about making love to the most beautiful woman in the world?”

Sometimes I say, “Stopping.”

Other times I say, “Waking up.”

But if I’m being honest with myself, and I let myself go to a place that’s just raw and open and real, I’ll say, “Get out of my bedroom, you jerks. We’re busy!”

***

You are walking in the deep woods. The trail before you is barely more than a memory, a faint whisper from the ancient history of the forest. The trees look tall as hills, and it would take three of you to reach around their massive trunks. You hear birdsong - beautiful and innocent, it inspires you to a reverence no cathedral choir ever could. More and more you remember that you, too, are a part of nature.

Then your phone rings. You get reception way out there? Who’s your carrier?

Never mind. It’s Uncle Dave. Wow, this is going to suck. Uncle Dave just “wanted to say hi”, which means you’re going to be stuck talking to him for at least 45 minutes. He has to tell you about every last thing your cousin Paula is doing, because Paula is the best thing since sliced bread (which she invented using a time machine she made for her sixth-grade science fair). Christ, what an asshole.

Finally! He’s done talking now. Back to your reverie, back to your oneness with nature. Except that now you’re getting bitten by about a thousand mosquitoes. Did you know it’s just the females that bite? You did? Well excuse me, Baron von Entomologist. Maybe you should tell the story.

***

sem tםtulo by ~ misscertezas on Flickr.