Dude, I Love This Stuff... Hollywood Week Parts I & II

HOLLYWOOD WEEK PART I

Welcome to Hollywood Week!  The audition rounds are over!  The Hollywood Single Elimination Round is about to begin!  Now, even though I've watched three hours of Idol in like, two days, I'll tell ya that I have no idea who is who and what is what.  If The Lovely Steph Leann were here, she could help me remember, but she's in Pensacola, so we'll figure it out together, eh?

THIS

IS AMERICAN

IDOL

HOLLYWOOD

So, 327 Golden Tickets were given out, and are converging to Hollywood for the chance to chase their dreams.  They cash in the Golden Ticket for a shot onstage, to be told "You are through... to the next round..." or "You are through... and are going home..."

J-Lo and Steven Tyler come into it all smiles, but Randy the Dawg knows better.  "You get ONE shot.  Bring it."

The come out in lines of 10, they will sing acapella and will get no feedback.  They will then be told Yay or Nay.  From New Orleans Auditions, Brett Lowenstern is a ball of nerves, but busts out "Let It Be".   The rest of the line sings, then out of the first 10, three goes through.  Seven go home.

And it begins.

Casey Abrams

Rachel Zevita, from New York, sails through.  Thia Megia gets her second round on.  Casey Abrams gets a quick YES. 

Ten more walk out.  And the Incredibly Annoying Victoria Huggins is up now.  In her little video, she's talking about staying a while, and brought ELEVEN suitcases for the long haul.  And the other girls are looking at her like she's an idiot.  Judgment time comes.  And she doesn't make it.  Yeah, she's pretty annoying, but ya still kinda go "awwwww" when you see her tearing up while hugging her mom. 

We see James Durbin (who, in real time, was seen on a show that was almost a week before this, but in tonight's blogging, I saw fifteen minutes ago) and we see Paris Tassin, who has the little girl with the hearing disability.  Paris belts out Celine's Titanic, and James does "Oh Darlin".  And here comes Stormi Weathers, or whatever her name is, and sings "Why Don't You Stay".   And here is 15 year old Lauren from Georgia, singing, "Unchained Melody".   James steps forward upon hearing his name called.  Lauren steps forward.  Paris steps forward.  Those three continue on, while the back seven, including Stormi, are cut.

Funky Chris Medina, with the disabled girlfriend, probably the most dear and affecting Sob Story I've ever seen on Idol, is up now.  Maybe I don't know if he should win.  Maybe I don't want him to hit the final 24.  I dunno.  But I want to see him get past this round.  Funky Chris Medina steps forward, after singing "You and I Both" from Jason Mraz... and he gets through.  I'm sincerely glad.  Sincerely.

Montage of nerve wrecked auditions, including lost lyrics, shaky hands, thumping heads, and Hollie Cavanaugh, Robbie Rosen and young JC Badeaux, who does "God Bless the Broken Road" (and gets cheers from the chicks in the audience).  Robbie Rosen does something smooth and bluesy, and Hollie manages to get through her little tune too.  All three get through.

Steve Baghun, the boring accountant, comes out in the next line of 10, doing Michael Buble.  He doesn't make it, along with three more.  We see more familiar faces that I barely recognize and won't even remember by midnight tonight that get cut and end up in tears.

One guy is telling us, "Its tough... (through tears)... its really tough... because I have nothing..."  See, if you have nothing and are banking all of your life into a show that offers a very slim chance to give you any future, even if you make it to the second round of auditions, then you need a life plan.   Just sayin'.

Just heard the words "Glee catches Beiber Fever".  Wanna ensure I won't watch Glee this week?  Use those words.

Montage of more forgotten lyrics, botched notes and "OMG... I cannot believe I missed that..."  The contestants backstage get to watch the contestants onstage, and the pressure is mounting.  We now get the chick and the guy who broke up and are auditioning together, and are bunking with Nick and Jackie, who was that lovey dovey couple from a few episodes ago.  Rob, the ex, is singing, "I"m So Lonesome I Could Cry".  Chelsee, the other ex, is singing something else, and I just noticed that they are in the line with the red headed Brett Lowenstern, the first guy in the first line who sang and got through.  Look at y'all, Fox, doing some clever editing.

Nick, the boyfriend, is up now and from the previews, he won't make it, because he begs the judges for another shot.  Jackie, the girlfriend is singing much, much better.  And Nick steps forward with one other guy.  Jackie stays in the back row, name not called.  And Jackie makes it, Nick is cut.  And like the previews, he begs to sing one more time.  Randy the Dawg reiterates, "Like we said, One Shot.  Sorry."  And what does Nick do?  He starts singing in the aisle.  Jackie shakes her head and walks away.  This is like a Lifetime Movie. 

Smashcut to them backstage, both crying.  I'm guessing that Nick is upset that Jackie is not more upset, and while she is upset that her boo ain't making it, she moves on.  And there some joy in that, right?

From Milwaukee, 17 year old Scotty does the song he did in his original audition, this little country ditty that showed his deep voice.  Jackie Wilson, the white country girl, not the 50s soul singer, also does some country, and both make it through. 

So, here comes the chick with the stars on her boobies, in the last line for judging.  Tiffany Something or Other says, "I am tired of seeing people trying to do what I know I can."  The contestants in the audience all look around and look affronted, as they should.  Were I the judges, I'd cut her fast.  Travis Orlando, from Jersey, is the one who has lived in and out of shelters, and I kinda am rooting for him. 

Cut to the judges deciding, J-Lo comments on "What she said makes her not likable".... Travis steps forward.  And misses the cut.  Tiffany makes the cut.  We might have an enemy now. 

Out of 327, 168 of them get another shot.  And the next show?  The Group Round.

HOLLYWOOD PART II

Its Group Round Time!  This is one of my favorite parts of the entire Idol process, because this is where we see all the people who are complete strangers, save for the friendships they might have forged in, you know, the last day or two, try to jel and perform together... some will stand proud and emerge as favorites.  Others will fall apart, clash and one bad contestant can ruin the dreams for several others in two minutes.

THIS IS

AMERICAN IDOL

The 168 who made it are filed back into the auditorium, are told they must form groups, coordinate the routine and learn their song they chose together... all in one single night.  Some contestants were already forming their own groups and had started working on routines to get ahead of the curve, only to be thrown a slick curveball of their own... all groups have to be a mixture of Day One and Day Two auditioners.  Which means a scramble of groups who split up, calling out "We need a Day Two Boy!" and "Day One Girl?  Anyone?!"

Brutal.

Tiffany Rios

Tiffany Rios, the "I'm tired of seeing people try to do what I know I can do" chick, can't find a group.  No one wants her.  She says, "I actually can join any group I want, but I want to find the right one," but no one wants her at all.  She runs into Deep Voiced Scotty and asks him about his group.  He says, "Sing for me?" and she says, "Sing for you?  Like you are the prize?  You should sing for me..."

The drama continues as groups are swapping, stealing Day One and Day Two contestants from other groups  Even one group ends up audition Day Two contestants to join their foursome of Day Ones... Tiffany gets on the mic to find a group, and no one wants to join them.  Deep Voiced Scotty can't find anyone to join.  And a group called The Sugar Mamas can't find a Day Two.  And time is a'wasting.

Remember... they are all fresh off being told they made it.  Its late, they are already clashing in groups, and some can't find anyone to join.  The night is wearing on, and more time wastes.  They all have to be ready the next day, the next morning in fact, to sing for the judges. 

Dude, I love this stuff.

Tiffany and her partner can't find a third, and have to get the producers to let them slide on having just two in their group.  I forget the name of the chick with her, and I like her, but I'm willing to see this chick fail to have this Tiffany chick bite the dust.

Groups like The Guaps, The Minors, The Hits and more all are desperate to find a place to practice, with some groups being in the mens bathroom, some going to the hallways and still others going to the parking garage. 

Ashley Sullivan

Ashley Sullivan, who is like 24, but looks like a 42 year old Waffle House waitress who smokes, even up and quits, leaving The Hits down a member.  She has a meltdown in front of a producer, and the other girls in her group are being remarkably supportive. 

Deep Voiced Scotty joined The Guaps, and it seems like his addition making it a fifth... and then they ousted 15 year old JC Badeaux, who was part of the original group.  One guy made the decision, the girls kinda wanted to keep him, and JC is now scrambling while looking for a group, tears in his eyes.  That was kinda harsh. 

Jordon Dorsey, who was "auditioning" other people to join his group, looks like he's ready to leave that group.  He joins up with Four Plus One, while the old group gets in sync without Jordon.   230 in the morning.  Overdramatic Ashley tries to rejoin The Hits, but they have been already rehearsing without her. 

Brett Lowenstern is a member of The Sugar Mamas are still down a member, and end up finding Day Two kid JC Badeaux... I'm happy this kid found a group.  Its 3am and some groups turn in to get some sleep.   At 420, other groups continue, like Three's Company, who include exes Rob and Chelsee and Nick-less girlfriend Jackie, and their group is on the verge of a meltdown.

The sun comes up, and the contestants rise after three hours, two hours, one single hour of sleep.  And the groups are try to keep rehearsing into the morning.  Thirty nine groups are going to do their thing for the judges, and the stage looks menacing.  They wait silently in the theater, they are present... but are they ready?  Let's find out.

Dude, I love this stuff.

Steven Tyler and J-Lo give them a pep talk, and Randy the Dawg, speaking from experience, yells out "Don't ever... forget the words!!"

Up now, three chicks that I couldn't pick out of a lineup or tell apart, are up first... and they sound fabulous singing "Grenade".  That was a great way to start out the Group Auditions.  The judges loved it, and looks like they are all going through.  Pressure is off. 

Four Plus One, which includes Jordon Dorsey, who abandoned his group 4-40, looks like they are up next.  4-40 is talking trash about Jordon and Four Plus One.  Might be a gang war brewing.  Four Plus One starts their song.   Remember, the judges aren't seeing all the drama and who did what, and who's character shone and faltered in the previous night, all they see are the results.  As one contestant put it, "The judges don't care if we lost a member and had to start all over, they just want to hear us be good."  And all of Four Plus One makes it through. 

Now, its 4-40, singing "Forget You" by Cee-Lo.  Love this song.  I just heard a lyric get mixed up, so that's not good.  Lauren, who mixed up the lyric, steps forward, as does everyone else, and they all get through.

They keep showing the good songs and good performances, but you know the bad stuff is coming.  And here comes Tiffany Rios and her partner, Jessica Yance, who had to get permission from the producers to just do a duet because they couldn't get anyone to join them.  And it warms my heard to hear Tiffany Rios be completely off key during Beyonce's "Irreplaceable".  Randy the Dawg even stops them from finishing because they were so awful.  And they both get cut.  YAY!!!!!

Members of the group Spanglish have to go retrieve one of their members who was still asleep, and leave the judges waiting.  Its four Hispanic Americans, by the way.  And they all sound terrible.  Two of them make it, two of them don't, including the guy who overslept.

Centerstage brings out four chicks who invite Steven Tyler to come sit onstage in a chair.  They bust out with "Some Kind of Wonderful", and bringing Steven Tyler onstage was a brilliant move--anyone else that tries it will be met with rejection I'm sure.  They leave a room full of contestants wondering "Why didn't we think of that?"  And only one of them make it through.  Cue the song "Cryin" by Aerosmith.

Its 1145 in the morning, and The Nashville Stars take the stage.  They all came from the Nashville auditions, as the five begin to sing.  Some are shining through.  Some are falling apart right in front of our eyes.   One guy, Colton Dixon, makes it though.  The other four are done.

More bad notes, more forgotten lines, more off key melodies, more bad dancing, more J-Lo hanging her head, more Randy the Dawg shaking his head, more Steven Tyler wincing. 

Paris Tassin, with the disabled daughter, gets cut.  More tears from more contestants, including Emily Anne Reed with the cool voice.  And Aaron gets cut while his brother Mark advances.  More breakdowns in the hallway after the news.  Sad.

Dude, I love this stuff.

This Hits take the stage, with Overdramatic Ashley, and begin.  Strangely enough, they are singing "Hit 'Em Up Style", and somehow it kinda works. Even Overdramatic Ashley gets it done, though she seems really out of place.  Randy the Dawg says they are the best harmonized group so far, and they all go through.

James Durbin (L) and Funky Chris Medina (R)

The Minors are getting insight from The Moms--not a new group, but the mothers of the The Minors, and it has to be annoying.  Five moms, five opinions.  First up, though, The Deep Vs, who are singing "Somebody to Love", and The Deep Vs contain James Durbin with the crazy note.  And it didn't go as well as you'd like.  Ryan Seacrest even looks around like "whaaa?"  J-Lo says it sounded like a bad glee club.  James makes it through with one other guy, and three of The Deep Vs go home.

The Moms get to the camera and criticize, then praise their own kids, The Minors, who come up next, also singing "Somebody to Love".  And The Minors end up getting it done, and The Moms are quite happy that "they bay-bays did it right..."  The judges give The Minors a standing ovation, and they all get through.

And honestly... yeah, they were really good.  Really, really good.  I wish The Moms would leave, but The Minors were really great.

Its 4p, and outside the theater, the remaining groups continue to practice.  Three's Company isn't, however, as poor Rob is passed out on the sidewalk.

Back inside, one guy is singing off a little card in his hand, and Randy the Dawg mutters to J-Lo "He's gone".  Another guy in the group looks all over the place while singing, while J-Lo yells, "Look here!" and Hollie Cavanaugh is just all over the place.  But Hollie makes it, as does a guy named Corey. 

The Night Owls come up, featuring Casey Abrams and Julie Zorrillo choose to sing without music, doing "Get Ready" by Smokey and the Miracles.  Julie and Casey make it, the others don't.  Here comes Ebony, Ivory and Emory, also singing "Get Ready", also singing acapella.  This is the group that contains Naida Adepalodpla.  And they all make it through.  Steven Tyler says, "Every bit of it was beautiful."

Up next is Four None Blondes and That Guy, which might be the best name of the night.  Notably, its the group that has Funky Chris Medina, and all practiced in the ladies room all night.  Seeing Carson Higgins, a pasty white surfer dude sing "Forget You", with sass no less, was hilarious.  And awesome.  Out of the five... four of them make it, including Carson and Funky Chris Medina.  The one who didn't make it, Devyn Rush, is upset and is just begging into the camera to get back in the room, and feels like "I don't deserve to go home."  But... she is.

The day is waning, as its 6pm.  More groups are cut, all featuring people that we've never seen and will forget in about five minutes.  But here comes the group that took in JC Badaeux, after he was kicked out of his group in the middle of the night.  Sugar Mama and the Babies come out, singing Duffy's "Mercy", a song that JC had never heard of just 12 hours prior.  And JC forgets his words, and ends up singing the line "I dont wanna go home" right in the middle of the song." 

Randy the Dawg asks what happens, and Sugar Mama and the Babies tells them how JC got kicked out.  And in one of the best moments of the whole doggone show, everyone's name is called, including JC, and they all go through.  JC starts tearing up on stage.  The audience erupts in applause.

Dude, I love this stuff.

Now, its the group that kicked him out.  Randy the Dawg drills them about kicking out JC, eliciting boos from the audience.  Deep Voiced Scotty pipes up and says, "Its my fault for not standing up for him.  He's the best kid in this competition."  So the group starts, led by a guy we formerly liked, Clint from LBC, who was instrumental in kicking out JC.  But, they all make it through.  Deep Voiced Scotty made it, but is tearing up in the hall, saying, "This whole thing with JC... its a bad feeling...."

Exes Rob and Chelsee.  Rob went home, Chelsee stays,
and though she says they will always be friends (all
chicks say that), Rob just walks off.  Seems like it really
is over.

So far, 38 groups have taken the stage and we've seen 67 contestants be given their walking papers.  Last is Three's Company, which you know that Fox has left for performing last to stretch out the drama, and they've succeeded.  Girlfriend Jackie and ex Chelsee are confident, while ex Rob is struggling.  "Forget You" is their little ditty.  Chelsee might just be singing to her ex Rob, while ex Rob can't even get the words out.  Jackie even sings a little uncensored lyric, with a bleep.  Randy the Dawg just stops them midsong.  Ex Rob is going home, while Ex Chelsee and Girlfriend Jackie move on.  Good for Chelsee.  Time to shed the dead weight, honey.

100 contestants are left.  Tomorrow night, its solo night, and half the group will be shed. 

Dude.  I love this stuff.

When Harry Connick Jr Is Behind You On Piano (results included)

Well, here it is... Tuesday night, and time for another (un)exciting recap of another (un)exciting episode on America's most (un)exciting show... no, I'm not talking about Accidentally on Purpose...

THIS IS...

sigh..

...American Idol.  Yeah.

You know how, when you are in junior high or high school, you pick an artist and think, "Ya know, I'm going to become a fan of this artist, mostly because not many people know too much about them, and by me knowing about this artist, owning their albums [re: cassettes], it will make me a bit cooler?"

That was Harry Connick, Jr, for me back in the last 80s, early 90s.  I own like, four of his albums, and they are all good albums, mind you.... and I mention this because Harry Connick Jr is the mentor tonight, with this theme night of "Songs of Frank Sinatra".   My favorite Connick album?  "She", featuring my favorite Connick song, "(I Could Only) Whisper Your Name".



Everyone loves Sinatra.  Seriously.  One of my favorite lines in any movie, ever, was in Ocean's Thirteen, when Danny Ocean is telling Willy Banks, the bad guy, "...you shook Sinatra's hand.  you should know better..."

And The Lovely Steph Leann and I are marveling at the fact that not only is Harry Connick going to mentor, he's also done their arrangements, and will be playing in the band behind their performances... that is just awesome.

Sinatra's daughters, Nancy and Tina, are in the audience.  And someone has had some work done...

AARON KELLY
With Harry Connick Jr on piano, Aaron Kelly sings, "Fly Me to the Moon".  Everything sounds better when HCJ is behind you on piano.

Randy the Dawg says it was a really good performance.  America's Favorite Lesbian jokes that the piano was a little pitchy, but was highly impressed with Aaron's song.  Kara the New Hotness says it was good, but not as good as last week.  Simon the Cowell said the vocals didn't have conviction, but that people like Aaron Kelly, so it might be okay.

CASEY JAMES
With Harry Connick Jr on piano, Casey James sings, "Blue Skies"... well, the word caterwaul comes to mind, because that was not a good opening.  Almost everything sounds better when HCJ is behind you on piano.

After the song, The Lovely Steph Leann looks up at me, then looks back at the TV.  Not a good sign.  Randy the Dawg says it was the worst performance for CJ.  Ellen DeG says that CJ has no swagger and just wasn't cool.  Kara the New Hotness says it took him too long to warm up and get in pitch.  Simon the Cowell says it wasn't great.  And it wasn't.  HCJ says he thought it sang well in rehearsal saying, "You killed it about two hours ago... but that won't help you tonight, I guess..."

CRYSTAL BOWERSOX
Seacrest shows us that Hannibal Lecter is in the audience.  Awesome.  Then he shows off the new Coke Cups for product placement.  Mmm mmm.

With Harry Connick Jr on piano, C'Bosox is singing "Summer Wind", a song that I'm not that familiar with.  C'Bosox says the song is personal to her, but doesn't share, to which HCJ says that is what makes the song so great.

One word to describe C'Bosox tonight... sultry. 

Sultry is a strange word that doesn't get used much... but when it is used, its typically a good thing.  Like tonight.  Everything sounds sultry when HCJ is behind you on piano.

Randy the Dawg says it was a bit subdued and sleepy.  Ellen DeG says it started slow, but loosened up.  Kara the New Hotness liked it.  Simon the Cowell says he loves the song, but wouldn't have chosen this one for her.   C'Bosox defends her performance. 

BIG MIKE
With Harry Connick Jr on piano, Big Mike is singing my favorite Sinatra tune, "The Way You Look Tonight".  Back in the day, I wanted to use this in my proposal... at least, when I thought I would be proposing to someone other than The Lovely Steph Leann. 

Everything sounds better when HCJ is behind you on piano.  Didn't like it, loved it.  It helps that it was this song.

Randy the Dawg loved the arrangement, loved the vocal, loved the performance.  Ellen DeG loved it.  Kara the New Hotness loved it.  Simon the Cowell says its been a tricky night, and the first three performances were just okay, while Big Mike was great.

LEE DEWYZE
My first experience with "That's Life" is in "License to Drive", when the drunk guy is singing the song, driving Les' Grandpa's Caddy, the one that he wasn't supposed to take from the garage... the drunk guy steals it, and sings loudly to "That's Life!" as he crashes it.

With Harry Connick Jr on piano, Lee DeWyze is singing "That's Life".  Everything sounds better when HCJ is behind you on piano. 

Randy the Dawg loved it.  Ellen DeG makes a "Harry's organ" joke.  Kara the New Hotness tells him he can win this thing.  Simon the Cowell says what he really liked was Harry's mentoring, and helped Lee show personality and confidence. 

For me, the rundown is... Big Mike... Lee DeWyze... Crystal Bowersox... Aaron Kelly... Casey James

AAAAAANNNNNDDDDDDDD the results...

Harry Connick Jr, probably one of the best mentors I've ever seen on Idol, is awesome.  Amarylis by Morning (up from san antone) has seen him three times, and I'm jealous. 

By the way, check out Entertainment Weekly's list of the Most Awkward Mentoring Moments on Idol... the reminder of Randy Travis meeting and disapproving of The Unambigiously Gay Adam Lambert's version of "Ring of Fire"... and Gwen Stefani's frown on Sanjaya's version of "Bath Water", which incidentally makes Idol's worst performance countdown too.

Once again, we are treated to a performance by Lady Gaga (is it GaGa?) later tonight, which I'm sure we'll fast forward through... I said before that I have never heard a Gaga tune, and someone corrected me by saying "you commented on her when she performed on Idol" last season.  Tis true, but I remember nothing about it.  In fact, I remember her gawd awful outfit. 

Fast Forward through the Idol's medley of Sinatra standards (says The Lovely Steph Leann:  We don't need a medley of nothing)

Fast Forward through commercials

Fast Forward through Ford commercial

We get a montage of the Idols and their typical week at rehearsals and such... I don't fast forward because I am getting the above links for the EW lists, and end up watching the montage, which is kinda fun.

Alright, folks... dim the lights.  Someone in the audience went "Awwww...."

Lee DeWyze stands up and is directed to the middle of the stage.  They spend a lot of time discussing Lee's performance last night, with Simon telling him "its the first time that you looked like you believed that you could win."  Either way, Lee is safe, and headed over to the Silver Stools of Security.

Fast forward through commercials

Truly, I can't be the only person not excited for Shrek: Forever After... well, actually, I think it was called "Shrek Goes Fourth", but they changed it... and I've seen it called "Forever After" and "The Final Chapter".  Either way, I call it $11.75 I'm going to save for "Ironman 2".

By the way, Lady Gaga actually taped her performance several weeks ago.  All that we are seeing onstage actually happened in April.  The audience you hear is that night's audience, and they just show the tape to the current audience.

In my typing, I actually hear a Lady Gaga song.  It's not bad, as long as I don't actually look at her.  The name of the song is "Alejandro", and I have no idea what it means.  She's wearing fishnets.  All over her body.  Including her face.

Alright, enough Gaga.

Fast Forward through the back hallf of Lady Gaga's song

Fast Forward through commercials

Cracking up at Harry Connick Jr's mentoring process... he seems like a hilariously funny guy. 

Not Fast Forwarding through Harry Connick Jr.  I hope I don't have a mancrush on this guy.  The Rock is enough for me.

By the way, scanning Facebook, there are about fifty chicks I know that are drooling over themselves because of HCJ.  Like The Lovely Steph Leann.

Fast Forward through Idolites singing HCJ songs

Harry Connick Jr is relaying a story about when he met Frank Sinatra back in the day.  He mentions his wife Jill Goodacre, who I know from the Season 2 episode of "Friends" when Chandler Bing is stuck in an ATM vestible with Jill Goodacre... now, say the words "I'm stuck in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre", but say it with your lips almost closed.   "Gum... would be perfection".  Man that was funny.

Dim the lights!  Crystal Bowersox stands up, and after the vote, she is going to the far side of the stage by the piano.  Big Mike stands, and is sent to the near side of the stage.  Casey James goes to the far side with C'Bosox, and Aaron Kelly joins Big Mike on the closer side. 

Lee is asked to join one of the groups, and he refused.  Seacrest relents, and announces that Big Mike and Aaron Kelly are the Bottom Two. 

And after the nationwide vote, Aaron Kelly goes home.  Big Mike is in the top four.

I've been saying this for weeks and weeks... Casey James vs. Lee DeWyze in the Finals.  I think Big Mike is third, and I predict that Crystal Bowersox goes home NEXT WEEK.  Not that she deserves to, but thats the kind of Idol season we got going on.  You heard it here.

Discussing Diddy, Didi and Yogurt Mountain

To read the latest Idol recap, scroll down or click here

To read "Chirp", a piece of which I'm quite proud of and hope doesn't get buried and unread, scroll down farther or click here

We headed to dinner late tonight... out of our choices for dinner--Baha Burger, Chipotle, Dale's, Purple Onion, Jason's Deli, of which I didn't really want to go--we chose Baha.  We got there at 7:53.  They close at 8p, and we felt pretty bad walking in wanting food with five minutes to go.  So we walked next door to Pablo's Mexican.  Let me just say, it was fantastic...

My three rules of Mexican restaurants:
1) Keep the tea coming
2) Bring my sour cream out with my meal, not a few minutes after
3) Read rules 1 and 2 and follow them.

Our guy was great, filling our tea when it was barely at the half point full, and the sour cream was out with the food.  Awesome.  And while we were in there, we saw half of Idol, the half that saw Katie Stevens join the Bottom Three.  As Katie walked to the Silver Stools of Shame, we left, full and happy.

Full, yes.  Done, no.  We then went to this fairly new place that I like to call Build-A-Waist.  Otherwise known as Yogurt Mountain, where there are over a dozen kinds of frozen yogurt (I went with cheesecake, she with strawberry cheesecake), and at least 30 toppings (I went with coconut, peanut butter chips, cheesecake bites and graham crackers).  You fill up your cup and then pay by how much you have in there, at a rate of 45 cents an ounce. 

And now, full, overly full and happy, we return to The Cabana.

And here's some Idol chatter...

Fast forward through the recap, through Ruben Studdard singing, through the Ford promo, through the Clash of the Titans promo, through what seems like 15 sets of commercials... seriously, why is this show an hour long?  This can be knocked out in 30 minutes easy, even with a few promos and a performance.

They are killing so much time, talking to each contestant, talking to the judges about each contestant, droning on and on about nothing.

Fast forward through a Justin Bieber sighting--who is this kid, anyway?--and an Usher performance

Fast forward through another set of commercials

Safe so far tonight?  Lee Dewyze, Casey James, Siobhan Magnus, Aaron Kelly.

Didi Benami stands up and I call it--Didi taking a walk to the Silver Stools of Shame.  Now, Big Mike stands up.  Seacrest fakes Big Mike out by saying, "This is surprising, Mike would you walk over here, please..."  And amidst looks of shock, Big Mike walks.  Seacrest stops him, gives him a handshake and says, "You are safe."  Then Big Mike proceeds to yank Seacrest off of the floor, high in mid-air. 

C'Bosox stands.  She's safe.  Andrew Garcia and Tim Urban stand up.  Andrew is safe, Tim Urban joins Katie Stevens and Didi Benami on the Silver Stools of Shame... Seacrest sends one of them back to safety... and it's (please Didi... please Didi... please Didi...) Katie.  The Lovely Steph Leann shouts, "SUCK IT!" in frustration.

I'm afraid Didi Benami is going home tonight. 

Fast forward through commercials

Fast forward through Diddy Dirty Money

This exchange:

The Lovely Steph Leann: Who?
Me: Diddy Dirty Money
The Lovely Steph Leann: Who?
Me: It's Diddy.  You know, Puff Daddy?
The Lovely Steph Leann: Like, Sean Combs?
Me: Yeah.  He's Diddy, and I guess his group is Dirty Money.  I dunno
The Lovely Steph Leann: That's a stupid name

Fast forward through more commercials

My thought is that the only way the judges would use the Save tonight would be for Crystal Bowersox, Siobhan Magnus or now, Lee Dewyze.  And because Tim Urban nor Didi Behami's names are Crystal, Siobhan or Lee, there's no chance.

And I was right.  Didi Benami is gone.

I thought the Idol season was on an upswing.  I thought perhaps, after last night's show, with Usher, maybe, just maybe we were seeing things on the rise.  People were starting to step it up, we were getting rid of the chaff... and now this? 

This show sucks.

"I Don't Know What America Wants to Hear"

We went to The Most Magical Place on Earth last weekend.  I'll do my best to discuss that later, but while we were gone, I had the DVR set to record the following:  Survivor.  The Amazing Race.  The Academy Awards (though I had forgotten to actually set it for the Oscars and had only gotten the pre-show).  WWE: Raw.  And the boys & girls performance shows of American Idol.

The Lovely Steph Leann and I got back late, late Wednesday night, a little after midnight, so after unpacking, we went on to bed.  We both had to be at work the next morning, with me beginning what I called a "Work Gauntlet"... that being The Happiest Place in the Mall on Thursday, Starbucks on Thursday night, back at Starbucks at 6am on Friday morning, a quick lunch then off to The Happiest Place in the Mall on Friday night, then back again at The Happiest Place in the Mall on Saturday.  Its hard to complain about anything when you get back from vacation, I recognize there are people with real problems in the world, but seriously, I was just flat out tired. 

We were able to meet up with St'ray and C'ray for dinner last night (Saturday), and I was able to watch Survivor finally.  This morning was church, and The Lovely Steph Leann and I took in "Alice in Wonderland" (review later) and then was able to relax this evening.  I haven't had a chance to zip through the rest of the shows, though I may or may not get to WWE: Raw.  I just deleted the Oscars pre-show, since I missed the actual show itself.  I'm two episodes behind on The Amazing Race, but will get there eventually.

That leaves American Idol. 

I had every intention on watching all episodes, even if and when I found out who was kicked off.  I went to EW.com on Friday, figuring I was tuning into the demise of Paige Miles, perhaps Lacey Brown, maybe even Katie Stevens, probably Todrick Hall and if we're lucky, Aaron Kelly.   Todrick was right on... but...

Katelyn Epperly?  Lilly Scott?  The Mulleted One, Alex "I'm Not Adam" Lambert?   For shame, America, absolute for shame.  At least He Who Must Not Be Re-Elected gave out false hope and promises to get votes... Aaron Kelly gave nothing.

This might be the worst season of American Idol ever.  EVER.  EEEEHHH--VVEERRR.

I turn it over to the great writing of Michael Slezak, on Entertainment Weekly's interweb site... this is his recap, which is enough for me.  I'm going to now delete all American Idol episodes so I don't have to watch Lilly Scott or Katelyn Epperly disappear...

Slezak writes:

Outrage. It's as integral to the process of enjoying American Idol as seeing Simon Cowell's insuppressible smile during a genuinely good audition, or rewinding your DVR after a performance by some heretofore anonymous kid who just gave you goosebumps all the way to your spleen.


Indeed, Idol's eight-season history is littered with unspeakable horrors that drove us to scream at our televisions and insist to anyone who'd listen: ''I'm done with this show! Never watching again!'' My stomach clenches even now thinking about Jasmine Trias over Jennifer Hudson, Haley Scarnato over Sabrina Sloan (maybe that's just me?), Sanjaya Malakar and Scott Savol over, well, pretty much anyone ever. But like I said, outrage is part of the process, imperative to create the ebbs and flows and emotional crescendos of American Idol the TV Show, even if it's our least favorite byproduct of the relentless search for the next Kris Allen or Adam Lambert or Allison Iraheta.

So you'd think by season 9 — during the inconsequential semifinals, no less — it would be easy to brush off the bad judgment of speed-texting tweens, to process the way-too-early exits of Lilly Scott, Katelyn Epperly, and Alex Lambert (plus the sort-of-maybe-too-early ouster of Todrick Hall), and move on. Once upon a time, we survived Daughtry's fourth-place finish, so why do the ritual killings of the dreams of four indisputably flawed semifinalists feel like they're part of something bigger, a shifting of the tectonic plates at the core of the Idol universe?

Maybe it's this: In the course of 21 episodes, we've endured the sadistic pillorying of Angela Martin, we've swallowed our disgust at the sight of Kara's rogue left shoulder rubbing hungrily up and down Simon's torso, we've witnessed precious few performances that would hold up to the Kelly Clarksons and Melinda Doolittles of Idol seasons past — let alone the Mandisas and Michael Johnses. And in the background all this time, we've heard the steady, approaching war drums of The X-Factor.

Which is why, for the past few weeks, we've looked to a ragtag group of 24 singers to reassure us that Idol's still got a little life in it yet. We wanted them to assure us that it's not yet time to leap off this carnival ride, shrug our shoulders, and shout ''Thanks for the memories!'' as we run full-tilt toward that monster rollercoaster the British guy with the deep V and the sunburned chest is erecting on the other side of the fairground. (Sorry, that was a lot of sentence.)

And that's precisely why each abysmal voting result tonight stung so badly.

Katie Stevens getting more votes than Lilly Scott didn't just mean that we'd lost the chrome-haired chick who experienced pitch problems Tuesday night on Patsy Cline's ''I Fall to Pieces.'' No, it meant we'd had the gift of surprise ripped out of our hands, and replaced by a three-pack of department store socks wrapped in ruffled, off-the-shoulder, hot-pink wrapping paper.

Aaron Kelly outlasting Alex Lambert was demoralizing not just because the latter teenager was so shattered during his exit performance that he resembled an expendable crew member about to get devoured by a space creature in a bad sci-fi movie. It was demoralizing because we'd lost the most distinctive male voice in the competition — one that with a little nurturing had the potential to be something special — and now all we're left with is a kid who'll offer semi-competent covers of Rascal Flatts and Lonestar and Garth Brooks till he eventually goes home in ninth place.


And Katelyn Epperly going home before Paige Miles? Do I need to dig between the couch cushions for an outlandish metaphor to prove the point of how freakin' wrong that is? No, I do not. Not if you heard Paige earlier this week channeling a car-battery jump-start to the tune of Charlie Chaplin's ''Smile.''

Heck, on some level, I'm even gonna miss the histrionic gymnast-dancer who sullied the world's favorite Kelly Clarkson tune in the most peculiar way. I mean, it's not like Todrick Hall had (brace for Randy-ism in 5, 4, 3 ,2...) a million-billion in one chance of taking home the season 9 crown, but wouldn't it have been more fun to spend a couple extra weeks with the guy who takes his coloring book and turns it into a papier-mäché sculpture than someone like Tim Urban, who's going to bore you to tears filling in the outlines of better artists with his pale, insipid colors?

Of course, the notion that bad things were about to happen was telegraphed right from the show's opening seconds. Please tell me I'm not the only Idoloonie out there who found himself deeply perturbed by the dated, red font the producers used to blast words like ''tonight,'' and ''Top 12 revealed'' and ''coveted spot'' across our screens. And then, of course, there was the fact that a crying Katie Stevens was the last image flashed on the screen before the cameras cut to Ryan telling us ''we could be in for a surprise or two.''

Katelyn was the first to walk the plank last night. And somehow, when it came down to the shaggy haired blonde standing next to the ''Smile'' killer, Simon declared that ''the one with the most potential is Paige,'' thereby continuing the fascinating mythology that Ms. Miles is some kind of powerhouse vocalist who saves her 'A' game for those special times when her mic pack is switched off and there isn't a camera within 100 yards of her. Memo to Paige: Survivor is the reality show where you win $1 million by hiding your gifts and ''flying under the radar'' in the early parts of the game.

It must be said, though, that Katelyn's sing-out to Carole King's ''I Feel the Earth Move'' was a vast improvement over her stilted Tuesday night rendition. Katelyn took a lot more chances vocally — twisting the melody till it resembled an origami swan that took flight.

The night's second elimination could've been a lot more suspenseful had Ryan put Aaron and Todrick in the ''one stays, one goes'' positions — and if Todrick hadn't chosen to wear hideous fingerless gloves for the second consecutive night. Did the dude learn nothing from Michelle Delamor and Jermaine Sellers last week?


Elimination No. 3 contained material that was unsuitable for young viewers, viewers with actual human-like emotions, viewers who enjoy good singing, and pretty much every other subset of our species with the possible exception of Heidi Montag and her new psychic manager. (God, please don't smite my brain area for housing such hideous information.)

And that's why I don't want to talk about seeing He Who Might Have Had an Actual Chance to Crack the Top Three If He'd Cut His Mullet and Learned to Confidently Phrase a Song standing next to He Who Has Been Defined by His Cover of an Awesome Paula Abdul Track. I had already suspected Andrew was gonna be safe, since Ryan had previously chatted him up about what he had to say to his fallen comrades. (''I love them and I'm glad I met them''? Kinda sounds like a tepid yearbook autograph, no?) But, oh, really...no...no...no. I am not ready to be done with Alex and his bad Russian figure-skater hair. The two of 'em (Alex and his hair, along with Katelyn and Lilly) have an open invitation to appear on Idolatry whenever they are next in New York City*. I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE, OKAY? Because I can't bear to see Alex crying. And I can't bear to see Siobhan crying about Alex crying. Let's thank our lucky stars that Fox chose not to air slo-mo replays of whatever occurred during what Ryan called an intensely emotional ad break.

(*Offer does not include major holidays, airport layovers lasting less than one hour, nights when I have an Idol TV Watch recap due, or any time period where Matt Giraud is stopping by to perform Allison Iraheta's ''Scars.'' Standard text-messaging rates apply. Diet Dr. Pepper is on me. And I'm gonna expect you cats to sing. Jermaine Purifory, Tasha Layton, Jesse Langseth, Leneshe Young, Tami Gosnell, and Mishavonna Henson, this invitation also applies to you.)

And now I am going to slide myself back into a deep funk by returning the topic to Lilly's ouster. Kara's assessment that the juxtaposition of Lilly vs. Katie was ''very interesting'' was perhaps only slightly less phony than when she told Ryan earlier in the week that she had nothing to do with the offensive proximity of hers and Simon's chairs. I mean, come ON! Kara writes and produces hit records for a living; she has to know that Katie Stevens is the next Jasmine Murray, destined to be that name you'll Google search in two years when some misguided season 11 contestant decides it's a good idea to cover ''Put Your Records On.''


But since Kara didn't have the guts to speaketh the truth, Lilly did it herself. ''I thought I did really well. I really gave it my all,'' she said, clearly flummoxed by her swift and sudden downfall. ''I don't know what America wants to hear.'' Was Lilly response perhaps a tad cocksure? Um, yeah. I mean, it's Idol, and everybody's supposed to put up a facade of false modesty and wonderment — lest they lose a vote or two from easily offended audience members. But I have to give Lilly props for going out with her head held high, her feathers in her ears, and her own sense of Idol outrage as prominent as the zig-zags on her most curious tights.

Finally, a few random notations and observations...

A Memo to Simon and Kara: It is not your job to create an ''Idol moment.'' That's for the contestants. Stop frakkin touching each other.

A Memo to Ellen: Your hugs have consequences. For every bit of praise you lavish on Tim Urban for not totally tanking on ''Hallelujah,'' there is a counterbalance. Hopefully you learned that when you saw the devastated face of Mushy Banana tonight. Bottom line: Not everyone gets a gold star.

A Memo to Big Mike: Glad-handing your fellow contestants for the duration of the already interminable group numbers only adds to the discomfort and disgust the audience is feeling. You have a newborn baby, sir, but this does not make you the father figure to the top 12 contestants and/or the entire home viewing audience. Thank you.

A Memo to Lacey Brown: Wait. What kind of artist do you want to be again? ''I like to sing songs that evoke emotions.'' Ohhhh. Okay, thanks. I can't wait to buy that masterpiece.

A Memo to the Group Performance Choreographer: Your journey ends tonight.

A Note About the Scott MacIntyre and Matt Giraud Duet: In cooking terms, Matt threw it down on the grill; Scott gently nudged it onto the dorm-room hot plate. Methinks Matt deserves a followup invite to return to the Idol stage (and not have to share it with anybody) later this season.

And finally...A Memo to the Crystal Bowersox: We feel your pain, MamaSox, and we hope that by next week, you'll find the will to smile again, to enjoy the journey for however long this wacky nation of music lovers will allow. Because, honestly, we need you in this competition. We need you to give Siobhan a hug. We need you to keep up the jaunty repartee with Seacrest. And we need you to give guitar lessons to some of the doods.

p.s. We could read your lips after Katelyn got the axe, and we 100 percent agree with you. ''This is f----- up.'' Yep, it is. But keep on carrying on.

A.I. in the A-T-L

FYI... when I do an Idol recap, I usually do it as I'm watching it... which means my first impressions are truly my first impressions... then I go back and add links, pics and videos.  Just know that reading this is just like my reactions as it happens!  Facebook users.. go to Clouds in My Coffee to get some real love and some pants on the ground!

Its been cold as cold can be... but guess what's making Atlanta hot? The American Idol Auditions!

THIS IS

AMERICAN IDOL!!

I have no idea where American Idol held auditions this year, but I do know that it might be likely that winners of the American Idol Experience down at Hollywood Studios would come to this particular one... here's how it works--they have three people perform on their stage during each show, all throughout the day.  The audience votes, and the winner comes back that evening to the day's finale.  The winner of THAT show gets a special golden ticket, which sends them to the front of any American Idol audition line, anytime, anywhere in the country.  I've heard that you get "Star" treatment as well, with special food, nicer waiting rooms and so on. 

I've also heard that they've had a slight problem getting good talent to perform as well... on a recent Inside the Magic podcast, someone said that the quality of winners for some days is much lower than you'd think it would be--based on who tries out.

Either way, being this is a Fox show, I'm not sure they'll do much promotion on an Disney/ABC attraction--although its good PR, I guess.

Tonight's guest host?  Mary J. Blige, one of those legendary R&B soul artists that might be legendary only because she's been around so long.  I don't own any Mary J cds.  I dont know anyone who does own any Mary J CDs.  Out of all my friends on FB, (anywhere from 909 to 912, depending on the day), I don't know anyone who calls themselves a huge Mary J. fan.  I will say, though, in 1992, she came with this song called "Real Love", off of her "What's the 411?" album, that was just awesome.  I can sing it front to back, though I still make up some of the words. 

This is not to disparage Mary J in any way... I think she's awesome.  I just don't know who else does. 

First up, Dewone Robinson, telling us all about how he would sing as a kid.  He gets on the elevator, going up to the 27th floor of the audition building.  He's going to sing one of his own songs... one he calls "Lady We're Not Together Anymore".  He tries to harmonize on his own, and do every voice in a Boyz II Men group, singing the line "...its over, its over, its over..."  Its kinda foretelling.  I like that Mary J just puts her head on the table. 

We see another guy who just didn't make it, and with his high pitched voice ended up killing three birds and a boom mic operator in the process.

Big smiles from Keia Johnson with the frizzy afro--I can dig the frizzy afro.  And she belts out some Celine Dion, loud and proud, and gets all the notes right.  Mary J is almost speechless. Randy liked the phrasing.  Kara the Hotness calls her geniune.  Simon liked her, but called it more Broadwayey than anything else.  However, Princess Keia gets the nod to Hollywood!  And the 3,882 people waiting for her at the bottom of the elevator ride celebrate with her.

Miriam Lemnouni (we have our first "The Climb" reference... but I liked her anyway), Noel Reese and Tisha Holland all wow the judges (and I dug on Tisha's bluesy style)... all three head to Hollywood.

Jermaine Sellers is 26, and is a church singer.  He's wanted this his whole entire life... and he takes care of his mother, who has Spina bifida.  He'll be singing "One of Us" by Joan Osborne... and you can tell he has that church influence behind him... rock on.  I keep waiting for the touching story that turns into a terrible audition... but not this one.  Kara the Hotness loved it, Randy the Dawg says best all day, Mary the J loved it, Simon the Brit loved it.  Jermaine is headed west.

And in the background... we hear "I Gotta Feeling" from the Black Eyed Peas.  Thought I'd hear it much earlier than this...

Every few audition shows, we have one of those over the top chicks who is borderline annoying... and can easily go over the line.  Christy Marie Agronow is doing "Love is a Battlefied" by Pat Benatar... personally, I don't think its that... I was going to say bad, but she his one of those ending lines, and I take it back.  Singing is her life, music is her passion.  The judges don't like it all, Mary J is smiling, and they send her on her way.  And she cries.  And her big, friendly personality turns into an ugly, "I will never watch this show again" personality.

Here's your montage of people who don't make it... lots of disappointed faces, shots of the elevator door closing with people smiling, and later those same people crying as the door opens. 

Straight from Baltimore, Tennessee, here's a girl who likes jumping off of bridges into the water... no, I'm not kidding at all.  No, seriously... I'm not kidding.  She and her family are jumping off of bridges.  She plays her guitar, she's wearing a dress she bought for $4 at the dollar store, she hangs out with her mom on her mom's porch on her mom's trailer.  She's like Pickles, but not nearly as cute.

She's very toothy too.  She's going to be singing some Old Crow Medicine Show... Vanessa Wolfe.  I was totally expecting one of those "great, tender story, terrible audition" but she was... unexpectedly, she was really good... I like how she sings "flowers" as "flerrs" and "hours" as "hurrs".  Simon says, "you are incredibly unprepared, but when you are good, you are good..."   Randy the Dawg says yes.  Kara the Hotness says yes.  Mary J says yes.  Simon says yes.  However, this chick (who just said, "I get to ride in an aero-plane?") is going to be fascinating to watch in Hollywood.

Though Paula is not here, I'll speak for her.  "Bubbles, butterflies, daisies, snowflakes, punkin' pie". 

Day one is over!  Day two is up!

Jesse Hamilton from... Anniston.  Yep, Anniston, Alabama.  He's almost died three times... one as a baby, one in a bullet accident, and one by almost being run over.  They show this in what they call a "cheap dramatization".   There's a difference in "tender backstory" and "openly mocking"... American Idol is doing the latter... and I love it.  Is that bad?

He sings... well, no... he attempts... well... he is about to try to attempt a Garth Brooks song.  "The River"... Mary J is laughing so hard, she buries her face into Kara the Hotness's shoulders.  Mary J and Kara turn around to compose themselves.   He can't remember the first line of "The River" (which is " you know a dream is like a river, ever changing as it flows") so Randy suggests "If Tomorrow Never Comes", which lets Jesse launch into a terrible, warbly, scratchy tune slightly resembling "If Tomorrow Never Comes", only similiar in the fact that Jesse's version and the original song have the lines "If Tomorrow Never Comes" in them. 

During the next montage of rejects, is it bad that I chuckled at the poor girl crying into her phone, "They took my dreams away..."?  Cause that was kinda funny on so many levels.

Bo Bice is in a Moe's commercial.  The Lovely Steph Leann and I were discussing this last night... if you take out Kelly Clarkson & Justin Whathisname, is there a bigger disparity between a winner and second place in American Idol?  Bo was unlucky enough to there with Carrie Underwood... not saying Bo Bice hasn't done well for himself, but really... a local Moe's commercial?  While Carrie's third album just went platinum?  Again?  Just sayin'.

If Pickles was an idiot (go with me here, okay?) she'd be the next chick, who is dressed up like a guitar.  Simon rolls his eyes.  Mary J is already laughing, and I think if we could hear what she was thinking, it would go along the lines of, "you crazy white people..."

"You Ain't Woman Enough to Take My Man" by Loretta Lynn is Holly Harden's audition song.  She's not bad, really... I kinda thought this would be a train wreck.  Kara kinda likes her and her voice.  Mary J says, "I don't get it".  (re: you crazy white people).  Kara says yes, while Mary J says no, flat out.  Simon says yes.  The whole episode, we haven't seen anything from Mary J until now.

More terrible auditions.  More wincing from Mary J, Simon, Randy and Kara.  Here's a dude singing "Reflection", making me wish The Lovely Steph Leann was here.  And here's a guy singing "Oops, I Did It Again". 

Randomly, I found the video to "Real Love", which I'd never seen until just a few minutes ago.  "oooooooh... when I met you I just knew that you would take my heart and run..."


Mallorie Haley is from South Dakota, and hey... she's got the looks, she's got the voice, and she's got the name, "Mallorie".  That's a name I don't hear enough of.  Mallorie Dollar.  Hmm?  Not sure.  Mary J calls Mallorie's performance "Dope".  Randy is wondering why Mary J took his verbage.  She heads to Hollywood.

Skii Bo Ski.  That's what he calls himself.  Skii Bo Ski.  "When I gets in that judge room, they gonna be blown away."    He's singing "Heard It Through the Gravevine", and he's dressed like a discount pimp.  Once again, I am expecting a train wreck... and again, its not bad.   Kara and Mary J are both impressed... Mary J says, "Image wise, if you can match your voice, then you will be alright". 

Skii Bo Ski says, "I'm like the dollar store... even with the dollar store, you can have everything you want in that one package, and it only costs you a dollar." In other words, he makes absolutely no sense.  I'm not sure I understood a single phrase this guy uttered the entire time he was there, other than "I heard it through the grapevine..."  Either way, much to Simon's dismay, he heads to Hollywood.

Carmen Turner, 19, and Lauren Sanders, 18, are besties.  They've been friends since they were in the 3rd grade, and the question arises--what happens if only one makes it?  They say, "That's not going to happen".  We know from the teaser commercial that one doesn't make it.  They are equally annoying...

Lauren goes first...  I like how the subtitle says, "Lauren Sanders, Baxley, GA, Age 18, College Student/BFF".  Her voice sucks.  Terrible.  And here comes Carmen... who is the complete opposite of Lauren, ie, good.  Lauren barely whispers, Carmen throws down.  I'm also dazzled by the 8 inches of blue eyeshadow on each chick. 

Randy and Kara says yes to Carmen, no to Lauren.  Mary J says the same.  Simon would have said no to both.  Carmen is through, Lauren is not.  Naturally, Carmen is crying, Lauren is smiling.  Simon says, "If its any consulation, you'll be back together soon enough."  Kinda reminds me of The Widower Danny Gokey and his buddy last year who got split up before the finals.  Cindy Jo is openly weeping right now. 

While its on commercial break, its a good time for me to mention what I'm looking forward to the most about the new season... Ford Commercials!  Yeah.  Or not.

And we're back in Atlanta, on the 2nd day of auditions, and its time for more terrible voices, this montage under the guise of "Southern Belles", one of which makes Mary J shriek--when asked if her friends tell her she's a good singer, she says, "Not really, but I won't let them discourage me."   After this, Simon passes off his mic, declares "migraine" and bugs out. 

And here comes a Tennessee police officer, about to bust out "Superstar", in Ruben's style.  Officer Bryan Walker starts, and whaddya know, its pretty good.  Heck, its really good... what a great song... "...don't you remember you told me you loved me baby, don't you remember you said you'd be coming back this way again maybe, baby baby baby oh baby, I love you, I really do..."  Even if it is about a stalker. 

Kara the Hotness digs on Officer Walker, so does Mary J and Randy, and off to Hollywood he goes.

Up next is a big Mary J fan, someone who not only thinks Mary J is an Idol, but also has slits cuts in his eyebrows.  Lamar Royal starts, and this is the best way I can write it out, by singing, "OOhh yeaH, thE MORe I coMPaRe yoU to a KisS FROM A roSe ON the Grave..."  Each time you see a capital letter as you sing that song, shout that part of the word.  Before he goes up the elevator, Lamar says he will respect whatever the judges say... so of course, when Kara the Hotness, Mary J and Randy Big Dawg say no, he not only argues, he curses, he keeps singing and he even gets told by Mary J. 

And while doing the "la la la's" of  "My Cherie Amour", he gets taken out by security.  All the way down the elevator, he not only decides that Kara the Hotness is a nobody, but he also declares that Mary J can't sing a... thing.  All the way out, followed by security, he continues his rant, throwing in a few more "la la la's" from Stevie.

Every now and again, someone comes on Idol that, despite not having a Barnett Having a Nice Meal Out chance (that means none) of winning, they still command attention.  William Hung, anyone?  There was the Chinese guy who barely spoke English that came out in the ridiculous costume, singing a song about togetherness and getting along... and now, there's this guy, General Larry Platt, singing a song called "Pants on the Ground", for people who need to pull their pants up.



Currently, I'm joining Kara, Randy and Mary J in laughing hysterically... this guy is cracking me up!  Its so ridiculously stupid and annoying and funny all at the same time... Simon tries not to be amused, but he can't help it.  At 62, General Larry is slightly over the 28 year old age limit. 

Pants on the Ground, Pants on the Ground, lookin' like a foo wid yo' pants on the ground...

From Atlanta, there were 25 to make it to Hollywood... next week, its on the way to Chicago, with guest judge Shania Twain... but for tonight, here's who stood out (besides General Larry)... Mallorie Haley... Vanessa Wolfe... and Jermaine Sellers

Idol's First Group of 12 (with Results!)

Here's the result update... for a recap of the performance show, just skip down past the line....

Left the television on as I was at church tonight, Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship), for KidStuf rehearsal and other fun and frivolity. As I came in tonight, whatever channel I left it on was current showing "Barb Wire", the Oscar winning epic starring one of the greatest actresses of our generation, and a first ballot entry into the Silicone Gone Wild Hall of Fame, Pamela Lee Anderson. As I sat, I checked my email real quick, found comments made about Disney pictures I posted (more to come on Facebook and here as well), and started to turn on the DVR, when I got IMs from my buddy Langer and from Erin the Marine Wife.

Now, since I don't talk to either very much, I was cool with chatting with them for a few, but as I was, I felt myself getting dumber and dumber because Pamela raced around the screen in her black leather, shooting things and blowing things up (no, not THOSE things, I mean like helicopters and cars and stuff) and what have you. I feel like I need to call up The Dainty Steph Halpert and talk to her husband, Matt Halpert the Science... Guy... pert... to help regain those lost IQ points.

So, if I wake up tomorrow and forget how to tie my shoe, I blame you, Langer, and you, Erin the Marine Wife for forcing me to watch fifteen minutes of "Barb Wire". In fact, I lost three IQ points just typing that name.

THIS IS

AMERICAN IDOL RESULTS!!!

Seacrest comes out, reminding us that there will be three people advancing... the top chick, the top dude, and whoever has the next highest amount of votes. I like it because our top 12 isn't necessarily going to be a mandatory 6 guys and 6 girls, it might be 8 guys, 4 girls, or 5 guys and 7 girls or whatever.

During the "how they got here" recap montage, I like the fact they are playing "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson, perhaps to make up for Stephen Fowler's bad performance of "Rock With You"...

Can I just say, no one under 25 or maybe more fully how understands how magnificent of a performer Michael Jackson used to be. Now, he's a punchline, he's a joke, when you say his name, is automatically associated with little boys, or no nose, or the high pitched stupid voice.... but back in the 80s? Back in the days of "Thriller", when it first came out, or when "Bad" was first released... I mean, Michael Jackson was a bad, bad man, and holy crap he could dance.

I'll have to explore this further soon... but it helped me miss the usually terrible group performance, this time butchering Jason Mraz's hit "I'm Yours".

And now, we get the clips from last night... Jackie T dancing, The Ballad of Ricky Braddy ballad, Mike the Oil Rigger over doing the overdone "I Don't Wanna Be", Stevie Wright's disaster, Casey Carlson's facial twitch nightmare, Stephen Fowler's "Rock With You" that upon a 2nd viewing was terrible, some guy I can't even remember his name to tell you how boring he was, Tatiana the Annoying, Anoop Dawg's melancholy, Ann Marie's bad Aretha decision, Alexis Grace taking the show until... Danny Gokey takes the stage.

They are all on the Couch of Destiny now, as Seacrest grills them about how they are feeling and such. Cindy Warner told me tonight she just wanted some time to pluck Anoop's eyebrows. Now that she said that... holy smokes... those things might be their own Idol contestants.

My predictions are... Alexis Grace... Anoop Dawg... and Danny Gokey...

Tatiana the Annoying is just that. Get rid of her! Seacrest points out the three seats who will hold the top 12. Casey is up first... and she has to know there is no way she's going to get to sit in those Stools of Destiny. And its revealed--she is done. Stephen Fowler comes up next. And he's not in the Top 12.

Alexis Grace... she actually reminds me of what Gwen Stefani would have looked like at 21. And I think one of those Stools of Destiny has her name on it. And now... it has her booty on it, cause she is in the Top 12. She actually gets to sing her song again...

Jackie T and The Ballad of Ricky Braddy both walk up. This has to be tough, because this early in the show, they just had one girl move to the Top 12, you have to think that they won't have another finalist awarded this quickly. The Ballad of Ricky Braddy is not in the Top 12. Jackie T is also not in the Top 12.

Anoop Dawg and Mike the Oil Rigger come down next. So who makes it? Going on to the Top 12 is Mike the Oil Rigger. Dude! Rock on! I really like this guy, singing voice or no, he's a great guy to have around.

Just as well with Anoop. If he would have won American Idol, the terrorists win.

Speaking of which, there was a movie that came out a few years ago called "American Dreamz", which had the backdrop of a talent show much like Idol... one of the plots featured this Muslim kid who was pushed through to the finals only to suicide bomb the president, who was making a special appearance. Well, with Anoop gone, that's now out, I guess.

They are doing a feature of the new attraction at Hollywood Studios, called "The American Idol Experience". Its really a fun show, and I'll talk more about that in an upcoming post.

Coming down to the stage now is Carly Smithson and Michael Johns... what happened to her? She was so rockin' pretty! Now she looks like she planted her face into a paint tray of makeup. Time to fast forward.

Seacrest calls down Ann Marie Boskosomething. Brentoby Keith stands up as well. Stevie Wright stands up. Seacrest is calling them out all at once. And who makes the Top 12? None of them. This leaves Tatiana the Annoying and Danny Gokey, with one spot remaining. I would say that this country couldn't have possibly voted in Tatiana the Annoying... but seriously, look who our president is.

By the way, chicks love Danny Gokey. I heard a few people talk about Idol at church tonight, and the females I heard all talked about how much they loved Danny. So, I think this gives alot to The Goke. So, one is in, one is out, and... its... The Goke! Danny Goke knocks off Tatiana the Annoying, who is crying onstage, almost with a "that should have been me!!!" face.

So, its Alexis, Mike the Oil Rigger and The Goke who are now in the Top 12. No mention of how they'll choose the wild card singers. We do see the ones singing next week, and I recognize like, four of them.

The moment of the night, though... watching everyone onstage after The Goke finishes his song, clapping, celebrating, congratulating Alexis, Danny and Mike the Oil Rigger... and they flash to Tatiana, who is bawling her eyes out, her face in a "This sucks! I'm better than all these people! I am better than that blonde chick and that big fat oil rigger guy and that guy who the only reason he won is cause you stupid people out there fell for his whole sympathy 'my-wife-died' thing! I'm better than all of them! I deserve this!" Love it.

____________________________________________

THE PERFORMANCE SHOW FROM TUESDAY NIGHT

They've made it through auditions... they made it through Hollyhell week... they made it through the Final Judgement... they've made it through The Lovely Steph Leann and her deadly face coverin' blanket... and now, here they are, the Top 36... they'll perform 12 at a time, and the top three from each group will move on to the American Idol Finals.

THIS

IS AMERICAN IDOL!!!

This time, there is no second chance. The guy with the highest vote, the girl with the highest vote, the next guy or girl with the highest vote all get slots in the Finals. The final three spots are chosen by the Wild Card Show... Seacrest just introduced the 12 performing tonight, though the names were spoken too fast for me to even type 'em down.

Jackie Tohn is first up... she's 28, and unlike Nate the Pansy, she really, really wants this. She'll be singing "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley. You might know this from "Ocean's 11", which took a very little known Elvis tune and made it famous. Personally, I love the song, its probably one of my two or three favorite Elvis songs. And Jackie isn't killing it, she's putting a bluesy tone on it... but not my favorite.

The Lovely Steph Leann just "mm"s me when I mention this, though that "mm" might be more from the cotton candy she's nibbling on, cotton candy that I bought for her at the Main Street Confectionary in The Happiest Place on Earth last week, along with the peanut brittle that she might get to tonight as well. I'm such a good husband.

Randy says it didn't blow him away, but he liked it. Kara loved Jackie working the stage. Paula enjoyed the fact that Jackie got her up dancing. Simon, with a smile on his face, still thinks Jackie played a "clown" tonight, with a gimmicky song. I totally agree with Simon.

To top it off, The Lovely Steph Leann hates Jackie's shoes. Oh the indignity!!

Ricky Braddy is next. Who is this guy? Hearing his montage is the most I've ever heard him speak. His family is holding a sign that reads, "The Braddy Bunch". I make fun, but really, if my name was Braddy, I'd totally be playing the Brady Bunch card. His song is "A Song for You" by Leon somebody, to which The Lovely Steph Leann pipes up and says, "I love Karen Carpenter's version of this." Of course she does. The Lovely Steph Leann loves all things Karen Carpenter.

Or instead of the Brady Bunch, maybe I'd call my website "Birmingham Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Braddy". That's funny! Once again, he's got a good voice... but the song kinda bores me. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "Good stuff!"

Randy says, "This is the start of season 8! Unbelievable!" Kara says, "You killed it! Amazing!" This guy is shaping up to be Elliot Yah-meen Part 2: Good Teeth Strike Back. Paula loves him. Simon says, "Very good... I'm not jumping out of my chair... but you don't have any star quality."

And they spew the whole "this season is the best ever!" What are they going to say? "You know, we got some good people, but ain't none of them nearly as good as two years ago... but stay tuned anyway!" And when Seacrest is interviewing him, Ricky Braddy doesn't have his mic on. So no one knows what he just said.

Here comes Alexis Grace. She's cute, she's got flippy pink hair, looks comfortable in animal print clothes and is singing "Ain't Never Loved a Man" by Aretha. Oh geez... she's taking on Aretha. And instead of just copying Aretha, she does her own slinky, sexy take on it... and hey, it sounds great. And the little black dress doesnt hurt either.

Dig it! I loved it!

Randy said, "you done found the dirty and the soul! you worked it out!" Kara throws some forth some cliche, while Paula begins her tirade of butterflies and rainbows. And she almost cries. Is this really the chick I had on my wall in 9th grade? Eesh. Simon loved it as well.

So, after three... I pick Alexis Grace by a mile, followed by The Ballad of Ricky Braddy, and Jackie T.

And in the audience, we get a shot of Neil Patrick Harris and Ted Danson... I'm guessing they are in a movie or show coming up, because otherwise, that would be the most random pairing ever.

Idol goes country, with Brentoby Keith up next. And when they cut to do Brentoby Keith's montage, they screw up and show a still shot of some chick. Finally, the montage works. He's singing a song called "Hicktown", naturally, and from the first note, he's gone.

I look at The Lovely Steph Leann and simply say, "He's gone" and she doesn't even look up from her blanket. She just slightly nods her head to agree. I mean, Brentoby Keith isn't doing too bad... but its karaoke. Or like an opening act of a country band with some country term as a name, like "Jar of Pickles" or "Pork Rind Band" or "Tractor Pull". The kind of opening band that will be forgotten quickly, after Kenny Chesney or Martina McBride takes the stage.

Kara and Paula both wanted him to take a bigger risk, Randy says it was pretty good, and Simon? Paula says, "You are a country star, look what happened to Bucky Covington" and Simon asks, "What has happened to Bucky Covington?" My thoughts exactly.

Who doesn't love a chick named Stevie Wright? She's cute as a button, despite having about 103 teeth in the front top part of her mouth. Very, very toothy.

She's doing "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift, a great song choice, because Stevie and Taylor are only seperated by a year or two... and both I and The Lovely Steph Leann cringe when Stevie starts singing. Perhaps its nervous, The Lovely Steph Leann says she's flat, but either way... this is terrible.

Wow. She just blew the biggest audition of her life. Randy didn't like it. Kara didn't like it. They both tell her she went way, way too safe. I think the song was fine, she just did a terrible version of it. Paula searches for clouds and puppies, but can only come up with fog and a milkbone. Simon says, "It was terrible. There's no point booing, it was really terrible."

The Lovely Steph Leann is still "uuhhh" and "uugghhh" about the whole song.

Anoop Dubai, or Anoop Dogg as we might start calling him, comes up now. He sang "My Perogative" by Bobby Brown in Hollywood week, which was just weird, made even more weird by the fact it sounded good.

Anoop Dogg is taking on Monica's "Angel of Mine"... I gotta tell you, as much as he doesn't look like anyone who can sing such a song, he is a great singer.

Sometimes I wonder about the backup singers. Typically its three or four black chicks who sometimes sing better than the actual contestants... but do you think that they ever get the song they'll be backing up, and laugh amongst themselves, "I know that crazy white boy ain't even gonna try to sing James Brown, is he? I mean, its our job to back him up, but still..." So when they get this from Anoop Dogg, they think, "I know that crazy Indian boy ain't even trying to sing Monica, is he?" And he is. And did. I liked it.

Randy liked it. Didn't love it. Kara liked it. Didn't love it. Paula liked it. She just likes him. As for Simon, he thought the song was too grown up.

After half the contestants have gone, I gotta say its Alexis, Anoop Dogg, The Ballad of Ricky Braddy, Jackie T, Brentoby Keith and Stevie Wright. I can only hope someone is better than The Ballad of Ricky Braddy for that 3rd spot.

Here comes someone with "I Love Pickles!" potential, that being cutie-patootie Casey Carlson. She's even got a superstar name. I mean, I'd buy a Casey Carlson CD before I'd buy a Stevie Wright CD.

"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" is the song she's going to sing... tough order. Go Casey. The first note is harsh, but she picks up quickly. Holy crap she's hot. But her song is not. It's just pretty good... but not great. The Lovely Steph Leann can't figure it out either, maybe its the music, but whatever, it just doesn't click. However, Casey Carlson is still frickin' hot.

Randy and Kara both sing, "Everything about that song was wrong..." and Kara says, "You picked the Police! No one goes after those songs!" and Paula tries to say something good by telling her how pretty she is (never a good sign), but that it didn't work. Simon says, "you look good, but the singing was atrocious, and you could not have chosen a worse song and arrangement."

And here comes Michael the Oil Rigger, from Jasper, TX. Mike from "Dirty Jobs" did the oil rigging once, and yes, its a dangerous, dirty job. Michael the Oil Rigger is doing Gavin McGraw's "I Don't Wanna Be", a song that really is... well, its overdone.

I think I've heard this song more on American Idol through the years than I ever heard it on the radio, especially in the last few years. Mike the Oil Rigger is rockin' out with it, looking like he's having a good time and all. I mean, its not awesome, its not great, but its good and it looks fun.

Randy says, "Yo, you can sing, but it started rough for me." Kara agrees its a crowd pleaser, but wanted more from him. Paula liked it lots. She got confused by watching the mic go from hand to hand as he sang, sort of like following the ball atop the words in a Sesame Street singalong. Simon says, "We like you. This wasn't the best vocal, but you might get through."

The Lovely Steph Leann likes him lots.

And here comes Ann Marie Boskovich who has "hot potential". She's the one who sang in her auditions, got sent out to find a better song, came back and made it through. She's also taking on Aretha, "Natural Woman", so we'll see if she can take out Alexis Grace in the top spot.

"before the day I met choo..." is what she sings, and The Lovely Steph Leann laughs. Ya know, its a good rendition. Again, not fabulous, but better than most. And as the song is winding down, she's getting better... wow, two Arethas done right in the same night. Remarkable. Ted Danson loved it.

Randy says it wasn't a good song choice. Kara agrees that the song feels old fashioned. Paula stumbles around, ending up at, "you did better than you've done before..." and Simon? "If we were searching for the best hotel singer in California, that would have been quite good. But your voice isn't good enough for that song."

For me, I thought it was great. The Lovely Steph Leann says, "if you do that song, you have to strip that song, do it different, you can't do Aretha."

With three left... here's my picks... Alexis Grace, Anoop Dogg, Ann Marie Boskovich, The Ballad of Ricky Braddy, Mike the Oil Rigger, Jackie T, Brentoby Keith, Casey Carlson, Stevie Wright.

Just saw the trailer for Wolverine: Origins. Just peed myself. I'm as giddy as Michael Jackson in a daycare.

Stephen Fowler, big, stocky and afro cool, he's the guy who forgot his lyrics during a song in Hollywood week and walked off stage. And he's singing "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson... he has the potential to blow me away right here. I love this song.

This is a song that the backup chicks probably went nuts over. Dude, Stephen is doing it! It's different, its not the same old boring ballad, its Michael Jackson when he was black, back before he was all weird and Chris Hansen's dream project.

The vocals weren't even that good, the song wasn't great, but heck, I liked it. Randy didn't like it. Maybe its because it was so different is why I like it... Kara didn't like it either. Paula actually chides him for getting a second chance and blowing it. Simon hated it, calling it the word of death: "Corny".

During commercial, I comment that Tatiana the Annoying is up next, and The Lovely Steph Leann groans. "Oh... she's gone. Oh, I hope she's gone." Seacrest even pokes fun at her laughter. She was all kinds of psycho annoying in Hollywood Week, with this terrible laughter.

"Saving All My Love For You" by Whitney. NO! NO! YOU DON'T DESERVE TO SING CLASSIC PRE-CRACK WHITNEY!!! EVER!!!

You know that scene in Spaceballs when Princess Vespa is in the prison cell, and singing a very low "Nobody Knows" and Barff says, "She's a bass!" That kinda reminds me of Tatiana the Annoying at the beginning of this song... however... admittedly... she's not bad. Both I and The Lovely Steph Leann really wanted her to be... but compared to most of the performances tonight, she's not bad.

She might even be good. I might have to rank her in my top three tonight. Crap.

Randy says, "you had some moments in this song that was like 'you can sing!'" Kara says, "Your like a roller coaster!" Kara asks where she fits? I say the exit door is good. Paula sounds like she's about to cry with every word. Beautiful and pitchy is Paula's description. Simon calls her a drama queen, and tells her she's completely, desperately trying to be famous. They all tell her to be annoying again!

Finally, its Danny Gokey, the guy who was best buds with Jamar. He's a church music director who lost his wife a month before he auditioned. The Lovely Steph Leann really likes this guy too. And then he sings, "Hero" by Mariah, and The Lovely Steph Leann actually shakes her fists and says, "No! I hate that song!"

Entertainment Weekly calls him Robert Downey Junior Jr, which is what she's been saying for weeks. Seriously though, I like this guy. The song is boring, one of my least favorite Mariah songs, but Danny Gokey is at least doing it, doing it, doing it right.

Randy is throwing his fist up, Kara is yelling, Paula is standing, Simon is just there. Randy says, "That was blazin' hot!" Kara bangs the table, Paula says, "I have two words... sold-out arenas!" Simon? "Back to the real world... it was good."

So, finally... I choose Alexis Grace, Danny Gokey, Anoop Dogg, Tatiana the Annoying, Stephen Fowler, Ann Marie, The Ballad of Ricky Braddy, Mike the Oil Rigger, Jackie T, Brentoby Keith, Casey Carlson and Stevie Wright.

I'll discuss the results show on this posting tomorrow night...

Reality Roundup Part 3: Solitary Amazing Race

Here's our final part of the "catch-up" from last week, after being at The Happiest Place on Earth... we've covered Idol, we've covered Survivor (featuring JT from Samson). Our last stop, at least for these batch of episodes, is The Amazing Race, followed by a television oddity called "Solitairy".

I've been watching The Amazing Race since its 3rd or 4th inception, and while it sometimes lacks the drama of Survivor, it is an equally good show... perhaps in some ways, better. I've often told The Lovely Steph Leann that were I given a choice, I would probably go on The Amazing Race for one factor only... its not a social game. What I love about Survivor is that not only do you have to be skillful in challenges, you have to play a people game--while that is fun to watch, I'm not so sure I'd be crazy about being in the midst of it. With The Amazing Race, its not social... its "first one there wins, last one there is out". Its a race, pure and simple. Oh, socialability plays into it, as there are many times you have to deal with other teams, negotiate, even help each other out, but for the most part, its "get there fastest, and your safe".

Don't get me wrong, though--if given a chance on Survivor, I'd be on that faster than President B. Hussein Obama would sign more legislation to take my hard earned tax dollars to give to someone who doesn't work. And if you think that I took way to long on that analogy because I'm a little bitter, than... you'd be right.

(searching the DVR for The Amazing Race... flipping past other programs that have been recorded already... flipping past "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"... flipping past "Pan's Labrynth"... flipping past some ridiculous Hallmark movie The Lovely Steph Leann recorded... flipping past three episodes of WWE Raw... flipping plast eight episodes of "Great Weekends With Samantha Brown"--oh, I do love me some Samantha Brown...)

(still searching, beginning to be concerned... and... sigh... I knew I didn't set the DVR to record last night's episode of The Amazing Race, but surely I set it to record the first one, last Sunday while The Lovely Steph Leann and I were watching "Wishes", the incredible fireworks display at The Happiest Place on Earth)

(has now come to the sad conclusion that I've missed the first two episodes of The Amazing Race... and also sad with the knowledge that while Survivor is available on CBS' website and on iTunes--how I watched the first episode last night--for whatever reason, The Amazing Race isn't available anywhere)

Well, this just sucks. So... I guess I'll surf on over to EW.com and read what I missed. Oh, but good news... there's only been one single episode! Here's the recap from the episode, and apparently I missed what might have been one of the greatest challenges in The Amazing Race history... says EW:

The best Detours and Roadblocks are the ones that truly break their contestants. Learning a local dance? Feh. Eating a big pizza? Phooey. Being briefly driven underwater in a Jeep? Back to Feh. But this was something special. Each team had to climb to a cheese ''aging shack'' at the top of a large, slippery hill, and then collectively carry four 50-pound wheels of cheese down the hill on an incredibly rickety backpack-type contraption. At first it seemed like it would be a simple relay race of brute strength, but then the carnage started.

The cheese was heavy, the backpacks were fragile, and the hill was slippery with wet grass and animal poop. It was glorious. The cheese racks splintered into pieces, and the cheese fell to the ground and roll all the way down the hill into the woods at great speeds. At one point Luke lost his balance and his legs began pinwheeling down the mountain as he desperately tried to keep upright, until he finally tumbled to the grass, his cheese flying out of his hands. Mel, who had said he'd prepped for the trip by doing pushups and sit-ups, suffered a groin injury and could only slowly inch down the hill on his butt, cheese in his lap: if only he'd done some groin-ups! And all the while, locals below laughed and laughed, much like the Russian marching band when frat guy Dan attempted to master marching last season.

Its a shame I missed it...

That brings us to Solitary, or as this season is called, Solitary 3.0--meaning the third season. Now this is a show you can only catch on Fox Reality (unless you download it, which I had to do with the first episode, to watch on The Happiest Interstate in Florida to The Happiest Place on Earth). The fact that its on Fox Reality should tell you something... shows that appear on this channel, and shows that keep getting renewed to appear on this channel are bottom feeding shows that you wouldn't believe.

For example, if one were to flip to Fox Reality right now, channel 250 on DirecTV, you'd be treated to a few hours of "Divorce Court", followed by "Ex-treme Dating", a show in which people are paired up with former loves, then "The Worlds Most Incredible Animal Rescues" and "Real Stories of the Highway Patrol". Later, "Smile Your Under Arrest" and "Battle of the Bods".

I think I discovered Solitary on iTunes during one of those "free episode" chances... it actually turned up as the 87th Coolest Thing of 2007, and you'll want to flip to this link to not only read up on this, but also for #86, where you'll see a link to one of my favorite music videos ever, Kenny G's "Don't Make Me Wait For Love"... I mean, the manifest destiny potential of this clip is just unchartable. Seriously.

Now, we've already had a few episodes of this show go by, so I'll give you the best recap I can... the first episode does something no other season has done--they are blindfolded upon being put in their "pod", that being the little room they'll be confined in, and when they pull their blindfolds off, they see another contestant in front of them. The pods are octagonal, with one little "food slot", or door they open to get something to eat, or whatever else they have to use. There is another little "isolation room" they have for bathroom use, and on the wall is a green button and a red button. At any time, if they choose to quit, they can press the red button. The green button is only used when they finish a challenge.

We have Katie, 19, an actress... we have Jennifer, 36, a chainsmoking pin up model... big tattooed Jason, 30, a bouncer... we have Jen, 38, a web designer... we have Ceon, a senior citizens home director... Maureen, 31, a former tv reporter, and so far, my personal favorite and possibly the hottest... Andrew, 20, a college student... Rob, 38, a computer programmer, and a guy who loves this show so much, he built his own pod at home... then there is Karrie and Trizz, who's ages and professions I didn't get.

Anyway, the first challenge for them to do laps around the small room, with the floor being covered in rocks. They complete as many as they can with shoes, then with only socks, then barefoot, each in 30 minute intervals. First they face off, pod vs pod, then finally, with 10 contestants and only 9 pods, the first to get bounced is 38 year old Jen.

And here's the Pod Rundown... #1 Pod Jen, the pin up model, is obsessed with serial killers. #2 Ceon runs a home for senior citizens. #3 Katie is a 19 year old kickboxing streaking actress. #4, RobRob, is stupid just cause he goes by that name. #5 is Maureen, who I did, even though I'm usually not an Asian chick fan. #6, Trizz, 27, is a cashier, a former foster child, hates technology and loves chick flicks. #7 is Andrew, 20, and an ametuer magician. #8, Karrie, is 28 and had a husband died in jail. And finally, #9, Jason, the bouncer, who loves bacon and hates old people.

Val, the computer voice who tells them what to do, gives them a chocolate bar for dinner, and then makes it about 98 degrees in the pod. Consider they also have not slept for over 24 hours. All for $50,000. This is a show I would not go on.

The first challenge involves a stool. They sit on the small wooden stool for an half an hour, or so, no big deal, even though they aren't allowed to put their feet on the footrest. Well, the next hour, they have to sit on a bicycle seat for half an hour. Then, for the next round, its a bowling ball for 45 minutes. This looks very, very painful...

Finally... they have to sit on a small round stool, perhaps four inches in diameter, for 60 minutes. To quit, you press the red button--but the trick is, you don't know if anyone else has pressed the red button yet, so if you can't take it, you can gamble that someone else has already quit. Within 60 seconds, Trizz, Katie and Big Jason pressed the red button... but its whoever is first that is gone. Trizz is now gone, the #6 pod goes dark.

Having been awake for over 40 hours, a bed slides out from the wall. They all get excited, but beware... I've seen Val give them as few as 10 minutes of sleep--without telling them they only get 10... this time, they get 30, before being rudely awakened by a loud alarm. We do this whole "speak to your loved one" for a segment (blah) and then onto the next challenge... in the pod, there are 8 weights, each with the exact weight of another contestant. They must match up each pod's contestant with each weight... there are over 40,000 possibilities... though knowing their own weight, it reduces the possibilities to only 5,000. Of course, several of them are getting their own weight wrong.

Finally, Val relents and instead of telling them "incorrect", she'll tell them "incorrect, you have four correct". Over 45 hours with only 30 minutes sleep, a chocolate bar to eat, and three hours into this challenge, #2 Ceon gets it right, only a few minutes before #1 Jen gets it right.

The next challenge is a big bowl of white rice... with one grain of orange rice. Using chopsticks, without tipping the big bowl over, find the orange grain and hold it up. RobRob, #4, finds it, but not before #2, Ceon, holds it up, making it 2 for 2 in challenges. His reward is a big plate of teriyaki chicken and rice--sometimes the rewards are pretty good, actually.

Everyone else wanders around their pod being silly, hungry, tired and stupid. And the next challenge is a pinching one. The contestants are required to place harsh metal pinchers on their body all over, in specific directed places, from faces to thighs to legs to arms to stomachs to fingers... Ceon, #2, gets to skip the challenge and also gets to make another (he chooses #9 Jason) put on 2 extra clips.

And the clips go on. My dear #5 Maureen, starts with her stomach. Others go for the legs. Some on shoulders. Another goes for his knees. Imagine a potato chip bag clip, times a thousand.

So, Fox Reality is showing all these shows that probably cost next to nothing to make, and seriously, how much could the syndication rights to "Celebrity Mugshots Exposed" actually cost? And yet, only $50K to the winner.

Karrie, #1, puts the clips on her fingers... bad, bad news. Ten clips, twelve clips, fifteen clips. Forty in all. Jen, #1, puts clips on her fingers too. Very bad. And finally, #1 Jen pushes the red button, hoping that someone else had done the same thing. The #1 pod goes dark, and red headed pin up model Jennifer leaves forever.

The bad thing about this challenge is not just the clips, but what happens when you pull them off. After so long on the skin, the skin deadens, but when the clips come off, blood rushes to the area and it causes great, great pain.

Alright, well, 2 episodes in, and I have 3 more to catch up on... and I'm not going to watch them all right now, frankly cause I want to do some other stuff.

Tonight... American Idol's first 12 contestants sing, and apparently, the top 3 go on to the Finals. And coming Sunday, the annual Oscar running diary... until then...