RESULTS...
Here's the opening... we see glimpses and flashes of the remaining Idol contestants, they each tell us how ready they are to rock, how ready they are to win this whole thing, we see the judges comment here and there on various things, and Seacrest comes out to tell us that around 87,980,000,003 people voted last night, right after asking, "Who will graduate from the school of rock... and who will just get schooled?"
This, of course, is American Idol.
Tonight, No Doubt performs, as does Daughtry, as does Paula the Flake, so there's a good chance we might see some or all of the performances, but definately not the group song, and no chance on the Ford Commercial.
Randy the Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, looking especially New Hotnessed, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell all wave to the audience.
While I was working at The Happiest Place in the Mall, somewhere around 7:12pm, I heard a scream and a hoot from somewhere in the distance. It makes sense now. I heard Drew Morris when Slash came on stage to perform for the group song, which I skip past.
It speaks to how big this show has become... do you think Slash comes on to Idol back in Season One or Season Two? Heck no. No credibility. But now... now that its watched by around 67 billion people worldwide, added to the fact that he has an album coming out, yeah, Slash is pretty quick to take up the invite to Idol.
Seacrest heads to the Idols sitting upon the Couch of Safety, killing time, bantering, discussing the first Zeppelin song ever to be sung on Idol, that by The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, plus giving more excuses and passes to The Widower Danny Gokey after his crazy screaming note at the end of the song last night. The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... "We didn't like what you did with the song, even though you sounded good, but you sounded pitchy and so on...." but to The Widower Danny Gokey, "It's okay, its alright, we know you can do better, shh, its going to be just fine..."
And now, here comes Paula the Flake...
Here is what I want to hear from Paula the Flake...
"You're the whisper of a summer breeze..." OR
"Lost.... in a dream... don't know which... way to go..." OR
"You're a cold hearted snake (look into his eyes) Oh oh, he's been telling lies..." OR
"I got that Vibeology, that V-I-B-E-ology..." OR
"Hey baby... you got to remember... I'm forever your girl..." OR even
"Eagles calling, calling your name..." but what I really don't want to hear is this.
She's dressed up in an outfit that would have been perfect for her in 1991, when she was brand spankin' new on the scene... but perhaps not now. Its also important to note, that Paula, now what, 45? is not moving nearly as fast as she did back in 1991.
For those of you kiddies who just don't understand, who only know Paula Abdul as a flake and a joke and the Idol judge, let me tell you a story... back in the early 90s, she and Janet Jackson were the two best chick dancers alive. Their videos were unbelievable demonstrations of movement and rhythm, their music was fun, their albums were great, and both--especially Paula--were beautiful. What you know now as the blithering, blubbering, drooling pain killer induced Paula Abdul is nothing compared to how... well, for lack of a better word, how cool she used to be.
I give you the title track to her most excellent first CD, "Forever Your Girl". This is how awesome she used to be. Oh, and disregard that "MTV" in the corner of the video. This is back when they actually played a music video. You know, ever.
This song, the one she's doing, "I'm Just Here For the Music" is annoying. And I'm going to go on a very short limb and say that the song I just saw was prerecorded, because before the song, she was in a cutesy little beige dress, then she came out in the aforementioned too-skimpy-for-her-age costume, and now that the commercials are over, she's back in the beige dress.
But now... here's someone I can watch. Gwen Stefani, with No Doubt, doing their first big hit, "Just a Girl". As she sings, though, two things occur to me. First, she's so goofy, and weird, and yet, she's still hot. I mean, not too many chicks can do what she does, dress like she dresses and appear like she appears many times and still can be considered hot, but she pulls it off. Secondly, dear goodness she sounds terrible... absolutely terrible... she hasn't held any single note for longer than two seconds... its almost like she can't. I can't handle it. I fast forward. This song is definately not B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
Old joke that I've told before, but will tell again because I have a new audience that may or may not have heard it... So, Gwen Stefani is married to Gavin Rossdale, lead of one of the hardest rockin' bands of the 90s, singer of such awesome rock classics like "Machinehead" and "Everything Zen"... obviously, he and his wife sing two different styles of music. Do you think he just sucks it up, and tells Gwen whatever she writes is good, even though he knows that he'd never, ever be associated with some of it otherwise? Like, I imagine this exchange...
Gwen: Hey, babe, come in here
Gavin: Yes, dear? Whats up?
Gwen: So I've written this awesome new song, and I want to read you the lyrics to this last part that I think is soooo awesome
Gavin: Sure babe, whats the title?
Gwen: Oh, its called "Hollaback Girl"
Gavin: (pausing) Holla... back... girl?
Gwen: Yeah, check this out... "Its bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. This s&^% is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S". See, I say "bananas", then I spell it! Isnt that awesome!?
Gavin: (pausing, speaking slowly) Yeah, thats... thats great, Gwenie... I, uh... I love it. I mean, Bananas. Thats... thats wonderful. So, uh... so cool and all
Gwen: So I was thinking, I had written a song for your new Bush album and...
Gavin: Uh, gotta go. Game's on.
Back to the show. The four Idols are standing backstage, awaiting Seacrest to call their name. He points to The Silver Stools... not of failure, but of Safety. There are only three. The Idols come out, and Seacrest says he'll announce them in random order.
My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is first. Then The Widower Danny Gokey. Then The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Finally, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. One goes to The Silver Stools of Safety... and The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets the nod... this is good. No, this is awesome. He almost collapses, looking speechless with a shocked grin on his face.
While I was at The Happiest Place in the Mall, I also heard a squeal of glee around 7:43, and that makes sense now. It was Erin the Marine Wife screaming as Daughtry comes onstage. Seriously, though... Chris Daughtry, perhaps the coolest Idol ever. He really is an awesome dude. They'll be singing their first single, "No Surprise", off of their sophomore album "Leave This Town", which drops in July. Why is it that music critics and newsmakers say "sophomore" album and not just "2nd" album? The former is six letters and four seconds longer than the latter... hmm.
Song sounds good. I'll ask Erin the Marine Wife how the CD is, because she'll get it the day it comes out, I'm sure. I like Daughtry, the guy and the band, cause it just seems like he recognizes how lucky he is, and he gives kudos to the fans and supporters all the time, remembering they are who makes him so famous... good guy.
Okay, back to the real stuff. Who will join The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen on the Silver Stools of Safety? The second person to head that way is... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert.
Well, we know this is the end for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... how great would it have been to see her to go to the Silver Stools of Safety, leaving The Goke and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert competing for one spot? Alas, its over for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... I take the title back from her, write her name under My Previous Next American Idol Brooke White, and put it aside, awaiting a titleholder in 2010.
As the "journey montage" for My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta plays, I wonder if they've even edited one yet for Dead Wife Gokey or The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, figuring they have another two weeks to finish it.
_______________________________________________
PERFORMANCES...
I'm shocked. I'm stunned, and ashamed and taken aback in a way that I'm not sure I could have fathomed mere moments ago, before I sat down at the laptop in the recliner here at The Cabana Extended Suites and Resort Spa. I'm just... speechless. You could have told me Lance Bass was gay, you could have told me that MSNBC is pro-Obama, you could have told me that Miley Cyrus really was Hannah Montana... and I would have believed all of those things, those undeniably incomprehendable things that I've only recently discovered as true before I believed the following words...
Paula Abdul is addicted to painkillers.
Sigh. What hath God wrought upon this world?
THIS
IS AMERICAN
IDOL
Its rock week here at American Idol, with our guest mentor, Slash, from Velvet Revolver, but you know him really from... well, is it Guns'N Roses, or Guns N Roses, or Guns N'Roses? Where does the ' lie? These are the things I lay awake at night thinking about.
Seacrest is telling us, and showing us, the part of the stage tower, with the big neon "IDOL" on it that collapsed. This is all George Bush's fault. Its him and his stupid hurricane machine that has cost this country trillions of dollars, when he could have spent that money on our country's failing infrastructure! Seriously! What kind of third world country do we live in when American Idol's neon towers are falling down? What's next? The top level of Deal or No Deal's staircase bends and breaks? President B. Hussein Obama, I plea to you!
We see a montage of Slash, and somewhere, Drew Morris is drooling on himself, convulsing and french kissing his TV screen. Honestly, this has to be one of the coolest mentors ever... Slash, not Drew Morris, though I can imagine Drew Morris would be kind of fun too.
The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is singing "Whole Lotta Love", and I imagine the number of screeches in a Led Zeppelin cover might be in the hundreds. Slash echoes The Lovely Steph Leann in saying that TAGAL is effortless and has such a range and so on and so forth.
Except for the fact he looks like a gay Hillary Swank from "Boys Don't Cry" (is that an oxymoron? or just redundant?) he sounds a whole lotta like Robert Plant. If I were Robert Plant, I'd call up Jimmy Page and ask him to kick me in the face for sounding like this.
Randy the Dawg loves him. Loves him. He might go gay for him. He tells The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert that he is in fact a rock star. He should be making a rock record. I can see Scott Weiland and Trent Reznor, in a heroin induced rage, beating the crap out of The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert backstage, actually. "Stupid alternative lifestyle guy bringing your alternative lifestyles into our rockin' party atmosphere!" or something like that.
Kara the New Hotness looks like she's stepped out of an Expose video. She tells him he should be making music with Nine Inch Nails. As Trent himself, watching--cause I'm sure he is--is probably saying, "Hailz to the No." Paula the Flake blubbers, and Simon the Cowell loves it too.
Can I be honest here? It sounded good. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I'm now going to put up a Nancy Pelosi poster and join the Sierra Club.
My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is taking on "Crybaby" from Janis Joplin. Slash tells her to be more confident, and bring it all out when she sings.
Here's what I dig about My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... I love the raspy voice thing. She reminds me kind of Sheryl Crow, and I loves me some Sheryl Crow. She's belting out the song, one that I'm not all that familiar with--honestly, my Joplin expertise begins and ends with "...freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose..." and so "Crybaby" is one I don't know well. I've heard it, just don't know it.
Either way, I think My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is awesome. Of course, she's not The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, so the judges won't love her nearly as much. Randy the Dawg didn't love the song, wanting more of a melody in the song. Kara the New Hotness loved the Joplin bluesy rock, but said she should have taken on "Piece of My Heart" (oh yeah, she did that before Faith Hill, didn't she?).
Paula the Flake blubbers. Simon the Cowell reminds her that she is still 17. He chides her for not being original, even though he loved The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert for singing EXACTLY like Page and Plant. Who sang the lead on "Whole Lotta Love" anyway? Was it Page? Was it Plant?
And now, we have our first duet of the evening, nay, of the entire show. A new little twist, with The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey doing a song together. And they are doing Styx's "Renegade". This song is FREAKIN' AWESOME...
(putting down the keyboard while I pay attention to this...)
(picking up the keyboard)
This song cracks me up... not The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Goke's version, I will get to that in a minute...
Back in the late 70s, early 80s, you had these soft pop rock bands... REO Speedwagon and Ambrosia and Firefall and Air Supply and the like, and they had one purpose and one purpose only... to sing songs that you related to your relationships. That was it.
Happy with the girl you have? "You Are the Woman" by Firefall, or "Still the One" by Orleans. Longing to tell someone how you felt about her? "Can't Fight This Feeling" by the Speedwagon. Need a completely overblown and silly, yet FREAKIN' AWESOME anthem song? "Makin' Love Out of Nothing At All" by Air Supply would do it. And Styx is in this catagory. Listen just once to "Lady" or "Babe" or "Come Sail Away" and you learn that Styx, in fact, does not rock. They soft rock.
So when I hear "Renegade", it makes me laugh. Its like when Lucas (a film in The Dave100, by the way) the band geek tries to play football and gets crushed... it is almost comical. And a song about a guy who has a bounty on his head and is about to be executed by hanging--"lawman is coming down from the gallows and I don't have very long"--is even better. Don't get me wrong, I love the song, its got several plays on my iPod, but its an unintentionally funny song.
Here's Daughtry doing his version of "Renegade"... Erin the Marine Wife might pass out.
And somehow, two guys who do not rock, who in fact, soft rock, like The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey singing this song somehow fits... Randy the Dawg liked it okay. He loved the harmonies, which were really good. Kara the New Hotness makes my point about these two guys singing this rock song. Paula the Flake blithers. Simon the Cowell has no idea what to say, telling them that The Goke was better than TLSLNAIK'Allen.
So now that The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is winded from a duet with The Goke singing a crazy Styx power song, let's make him do his solo song! Meanwhile, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert sings first, and is backstage, taking a rest before his duet at the end of the show. Hmmm...
The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen is doing The Beatles' "Come Together", a song either awesomely, or awfully, remade by Michael Jackson, I'm not sure which. It sounds great, not fanastic, but great.
Randy the Dawg appreciated the song, while Kara the New Hotness said he is the softer side of rock, and wasn't great tonight. Paula the Flake drools. Simon the Cowell didn't like it.
That scream I just heard from all parts of Birmingham was a collective squeal from Emmy Turnbow, Cindy Jo Warner, Stacy "Wife of the 13th Disciple" Mintz and a few other moms around town because The Widower Danny Gokey just appeared onscreen again.
The Goke is doing "Dream On", a classic from Aerosmith. Still sounding like Tommy Shaw from Styx, trying to rock out, The Goke does his thing. And not to let The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert have all the screechy fun, The Widower Danny Gokey does his own end-of-song screech. And the whole song is not all that great.
Randy the Dawg didn't like the song that much, but gives him an A for Effort. Kara the New Hotness tells him that he sounded too over the top. Paula the Flake quivers. Simon the Cowell hated that last note, admitting what everyone things... "With [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam Lambert, it worked. With you, Dead Wife, it didn't."
A crashing of two worlds occurs now, as The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta come together. Right now. Over me.
"Slow Ride" by Foghat is the song that will be rocked and screeched. When I hear this song, I automatically think of "Dazed and Confused", another The Dave100 movie. The song comes to an end, and now we'll hear the judges rant and rave and fall all over themselves for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and just by being close, they might even give My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta a compliment.
Randy the Dawg loves it. Kara the New Hotness loves it. Paula the Flake blabbers. Simon the Cowell tells them they win the Duet Battle. The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert hugs My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, and he thinks, "So this is what a woman feels like? Eew. I don't like it. As if."
Tonight... My Next American Idol Allison Ireaheta, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and The Widower Danny Gokey...
Showing posts with label Mark Warner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mark Warner. Show all posts
Chris Isaak, Stacy Mintz and Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits.. with Idol Results!
As always, if you are reading this on Facebook, you'll have to go to the actual Clouds website to see the videos. Besides, its better reading over there anyway. Go ahead. Click here and take the plunge. Do it. Do it.
First... I just crossed 21,000 hits on Clouds in My Coffee. That's not one person clicking 'refresh' 21,000 times, that is someone actually going to my website and pulling it up 21,000 different times. SO THANK YOU, Coffee Drinker and Constant Reader. It makes me happy when I see the comments, whether I agree or not, and to hear the feedback to something I've written... keep coming back, and let's move to 50,000!
I'm trying to figure out what to do for my 500th post... a recap? A best of type blog with links to my favorite posts? Just make it something random? Any thoughts?
Secondly... at Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship) I stood amongst a small group of Godly Mamas.... Stacy M (married to James, arguably the 13th disciple), Robyn Meredith (its hard to trust a woman with two first names...), Cindy Jo and a few select others, and in that conversation not only did we discuss "Rock of Love" and "Rock of Love Bus", but The Ambiguously Gay Adam, Cougars, the bandwagon for The Widower Danny Gokey driven by Emmy Turnbow, with fellow passengers like Stacy and Cindy Jo (though Cindy Jo has been caught with a wandering eye over at The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen)... and also in that conversation, we discussed "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. One of the sultriest, coolest, hottest songs ever. With the video to match.
Fun times in that Marky Mark (spouse of Cindy Jo) and myself actually got to sing the first verse of the song to spur memories... finally, Stacy and Robyn both go, "Oh yeah! I know that!" So here's the song in its true form...
I would feel utter conviction if I thought Stacy M would look at the actual video itself and it was my fault. That video is downright Cinemaxy, though with today's tv standards, most youngsters would probably be ho-hum about it. So here's Chris Isaak, doing a performance of the song on Letterman's show in 1991.
Third... I stopped by Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits tonight for dinner. I only mention this because I'm really disturbed by the fact that Popeye's, of all places, has followed the "let's have a fancier name so people will think more highly of us" trend that is sweeping our country. They are now called Popeye's Louisiana Grill. No, you are not a Louisiana Grill. Perhaps you do serve salads now. Maybe you do serve shrimp now. But I've never heard a single person say to me, "Ya know, I'm really excited about having Popeye's Shrimp tonight", or even "Ya know, I do love me a salad from Popeye's." Never.
Why? Because no one wants your salad, Popeye's. I want salad, I'll go to Jason's Deli. No one wants your shrimp. I want bad processed shrimp, I'll take in Captain D's, or Long John Silvers. There are two things that people, myself included, want from you, Popeye's. The first is chicken. The second is biscuits. That greasy chicken dripping off of that spork, combined with the soft, buttery fattening taste of that lukewarm biscuit... number one, baby, number one. Popeye's, YOU ARE CHICKEN & BISCUITS. That's all you'll ever be. So be proud of it.
So, Idol results are on tonight, aren't they? My friend MZ texted me a few minutes ago, saying "Oh my gosh! [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam Lambert is in the bottom two?!?!" I had to immediately reply to ask her not to tell me anything else. The Lovely Steph Leann is out in the garage, with our friend KT, sanding and staining shelves and a desk that will go in The Lovely Steph Leann's crop room. Why am I not helping? Neither one asked me to. Why didn't I offer? I can't do woodwork. And I'd rather watch Idol. If The Lovely Steph Leann popped her head in the backdoor and said, "Hey, can you help?" I'd be up in a heartbeat, and would go and assist. But she hasn't, so I won't. So there.
Anyway...
THIS IS AMERICAN
IDOL
Skipped past the Ford commercial, and as I typed the "THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL", I almost watched the group song! Don't worry, I hit the >> button quick enough, I only heard two beats of a guitar before it started forwarding. Whew, that was close, though.
Luckily, not only will we (not) see Taylor Hicks and Natalie Cole, but also Jamie Foxx, which means this will be a short show. Lots of forwarded tonight.
We do see a video montage of the Idols making cakes as My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta turned 9 this week, while The Widower Danny Gokey turned 48. Happy B'day you two! Tonight at KidStuf practice, there was this exchange:
Me: How much would you love it if The Goke's wife were actually alive?
"Hurricane" Rhett: Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.
Seacrest hands The Goke a "present", which turns out to be "a bill" from a maid service, used to clean up the mess made during the video montage of them baking a cake. Is it bad that I almost wanted it to be an eHarmony ad for a hot chick.
(Five minutes just passed between my bad eHarmony joke and typing this sentence, as The Lovely Steph Leann stuck her head in the backdoor and said, "Can you help me?" So I did. Cause I'm a good husband!)
(And because I am such a good husband, Seacrest just dimmed the lights, and the DVR is paused with the Idols walking across the stage... why frozen? KT has just left as they are done with the sanding/staining... The Lovely Steph Leann is fixing her a quick dinner, and I'm waiting for her to un-pause the DVR. MZ already texted me "Haven't you watched this yet??")
Here we go, America....
Matty G is first. After the nationwide vote... Matty G stands on the right side of the stage. The Widower Danny Gokey is next. He's wearing glasses that very few people could successfully wear. He heads to the left side of the stage. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is next. She steps up next to The Goke.
When The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's name is mentioned, he gets hoots from the crowd. He is directed to stand next to Matty G. And finally, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Paula the Flake compared him to Michael Phelps in the Olympics. With the bong, maybe?
Seacrest does the whole "The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, which group do you think you belong to?" The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert actually goes to The Widower Danny Gokey and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... then Seacrest grabs The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and drags him over to The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and Matty G, and says, "This is your bottom three!"
Both My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta's jaw and The Widower Danny Gokey's jaw drops in blank amazement. Kara the New Hotness says, "When The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is involved, my mouth just drops open." There are many jokes here, not many are for this blog.
There are five people here. Not 12. Not 10. Not eight. Five. Which means The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert might be 3rd in voting, not last. But... its enough to scare The Ambiguously Gay Adam Fans into voting for him, ensuring a showdown between he and The Widower Danny Gokey. Just sayin'.
Seacrest introduces Natalie Cole. I ask The Lovely Steph Leann if we can fast forward, she asks me to wait to hear what Natalie Cole is singing. She's singing, "Something's Gotta Give". Is this the theme song from that movie? Granted, Natalie Cole's voice is great. Her earrings, though, make her look like a dreamcatcher.
We go back to My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta and The Widower Danny Gokey sitting on the Couch of Safety. The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, Matty G and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert all stand backstage, awaiting the news. Next up, fast forwarding through Taylor Hicks! The Lovely Steph Leann and I both agree that he still sounds pretty good, though I'll admit, he was not my next American Idol, that belonged to My Previous Next American Idol Katharine McPhee. I've had McPheever for years.
She's no Pickles... but she's still awesome!
The three remaining Idols come out, and Seacrest sends someone back to safety... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets the reprieve, and The Lovely Steph Leann shrieks!
Now, its important for me to mention this... when I stood in my circle of Godly Mamas (and Mark Warner, husband of Cindy Jo) I made this prediction...
"The Widower Danny Gokey OR The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert will be kicked off. One will make the finals, one will get booted in a shocking episode, a la Daughtry". Just making sure I mentioned this, before we see what might be a huge Bottom Two results...
I still think Matty G goes home. And over The Lovely Steph Leann's protests, as she's raising the roof and getting funk-nunky with her bad self (hellz yeah!), I forward through Jamie Foxx. (she says, "I have no idea what he's saying"). After his performance, Seacrest says, "No question this is the number one song in America!" and I can respond with, "Yeah, I'm sure I have lots of questions as to why this is the number one song in America."
And now, finally, the dramatic final moments of the results show. Seacrest stretches it out a little farther, talking to Simon the Cowell, Paula the Flake, Randy the Dawg and Kara the New Hotness.
Dim the lights! Here we go! Matty G goes home, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert sashays back to The Couch of Safety. A little surprising at the make up of the bottom two, but no surprise as to who goes home.
Next week, we lose My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, then The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and we see The Widower Danny Gokey beat out The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen for the Idol Title, and go on to make a subpar record that no one I know will buy.
First... I just crossed 21,000 hits on Clouds in My Coffee. That's not one person clicking 'refresh' 21,000 times, that is someone actually going to my website and pulling it up 21,000 different times. SO THANK YOU, Coffee Drinker and Constant Reader. It makes me happy when I see the comments, whether I agree or not, and to hear the feedback to something I've written... keep coming back, and let's move to 50,000!
I'm trying to figure out what to do for my 500th post... a recap? A best of type blog with links to my favorite posts? Just make it something random? Any thoughts?
Secondly... at Valleydale Church (an sbc fellowship) I stood amongst a small group of Godly Mamas.... Stacy M (married to James, arguably the 13th disciple), Robyn Meredith (its hard to trust a woman with two first names...), Cindy Jo and a few select others, and in that conversation not only did we discuss "Rock of Love" and "Rock of Love Bus", but The Ambiguously Gay Adam, Cougars, the bandwagon for The Widower Danny Gokey driven by Emmy Turnbow, with fellow passengers like Stacy and Cindy Jo (though Cindy Jo has been caught with a wandering eye over at The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen)... and also in that conversation, we discussed "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. One of the sultriest, coolest, hottest songs ever. With the video to match.
Fun times in that Marky Mark (spouse of Cindy Jo) and myself actually got to sing the first verse of the song to spur memories... finally, Stacy and Robyn both go, "Oh yeah! I know that!" So here's the song in its true form...
I would feel utter conviction if I thought Stacy M would look at the actual video itself and it was my fault. That video is downright Cinemaxy, though with today's tv standards, most youngsters would probably be ho-hum about it. So here's Chris Isaak, doing a performance of the song on Letterman's show in 1991.
Third... I stopped by Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits tonight for dinner. I only mention this because I'm really disturbed by the fact that Popeye's, of all places, has followed the "let's have a fancier name so people will think more highly of us" trend that is sweeping our country. They are now called Popeye's Louisiana Grill. No, you are not a Louisiana Grill. Perhaps you do serve salads now. Maybe you do serve shrimp now. But I've never heard a single person say to me, "Ya know, I'm really excited about having Popeye's Shrimp tonight", or even "Ya know, I do love me a salad from Popeye's." Never.
Why? Because no one wants your salad, Popeye's. I want salad, I'll go to Jason's Deli. No one wants your shrimp. I want bad processed shrimp, I'll take in Captain D's, or Long John Silvers. There are two things that people, myself included, want from you, Popeye's. The first is chicken. The second is biscuits. That greasy chicken dripping off of that spork, combined with the soft, buttery fattening taste of that lukewarm biscuit... number one, baby, number one. Popeye's, YOU ARE CHICKEN & BISCUITS. That's all you'll ever be. So be proud of it.
So, Idol results are on tonight, aren't they? My friend MZ texted me a few minutes ago, saying "Oh my gosh! [The Ambiguously Gay] Adam Lambert is in the bottom two?!?!" I had to immediately reply to ask her not to tell me anything else. The Lovely Steph Leann is out in the garage, with our friend KT, sanding and staining shelves and a desk that will go in The Lovely Steph Leann's crop room. Why am I not helping? Neither one asked me to. Why didn't I offer? I can't do woodwork. And I'd rather watch Idol. If The Lovely Steph Leann popped her head in the backdoor and said, "Hey, can you help?" I'd be up in a heartbeat, and would go and assist. But she hasn't, so I won't. So there.
Anyway...
THIS IS AMERICAN
IDOL
Skipped past the Ford commercial, and as I typed the "THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL", I almost watched the group song! Don't worry, I hit the >> button quick enough, I only heard two beats of a guitar before it started forwarding. Whew, that was close, though.
Luckily, not only will we (not) see Taylor Hicks and Natalie Cole, but also Jamie Foxx, which means this will be a short show. Lots of forwarded tonight.
We do see a video montage of the Idols making cakes as My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta turned 9 this week, while The Widower Danny Gokey turned 48. Happy B'day you two! Tonight at KidStuf practice, there was this exchange:
Me: How much would you love it if The Goke's wife were actually alive?
"Hurricane" Rhett: Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.
Seacrest hands The Goke a "present", which turns out to be "a bill" from a maid service, used to clean up the mess made during the video montage of them baking a cake. Is it bad that I almost wanted it to be an eHarmony ad for a hot chick.
(Five minutes just passed between my bad eHarmony joke and typing this sentence, as The Lovely Steph Leann stuck her head in the backdoor and said, "Can you help me?" So I did. Cause I'm a good husband!)
(And because I am such a good husband, Seacrest just dimmed the lights, and the DVR is paused with the Idols walking across the stage... why frozen? KT has just left as they are done with the sanding/staining... The Lovely Steph Leann is fixing her a quick dinner, and I'm waiting for her to un-pause the DVR. MZ already texted me "Haven't you watched this yet??")
Here we go, America....
Matty G is first. After the nationwide vote... Matty G stands on the right side of the stage. The Widower Danny Gokey is next. He's wearing glasses that very few people could successfully wear. He heads to the left side of the stage. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is next. She steps up next to The Goke.
When The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen's name is mentioned, he gets hoots from the crowd. He is directed to stand next to Matty G. And finally, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert. Paula the Flake compared him to Michael Phelps in the Olympics. With the bong, maybe?
Seacrest does the whole "The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, which group do you think you belong to?" The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert actually goes to The Widower Danny Gokey and My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... then Seacrest grabs The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and drags him over to The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen and Matty G, and says, "This is your bottom three!"
Both My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta's jaw and The Widower Danny Gokey's jaw drops in blank amazement. Kara the New Hotness says, "When The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert is involved, my mouth just drops open." There are many jokes here, not many are for this blog.
There are five people here. Not 12. Not 10. Not eight. Five. Which means The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert might be 3rd in voting, not last. But... its enough to scare The Ambiguously Gay Adam Fans into voting for him, ensuring a showdown between he and The Widower Danny Gokey. Just sayin'.
Seacrest introduces Natalie Cole. I ask The Lovely Steph Leann if we can fast forward, she asks me to wait to hear what Natalie Cole is singing. She's singing, "Something's Gotta Give". Is this the theme song from that movie? Granted, Natalie Cole's voice is great. Her earrings, though, make her look like a dreamcatcher.
We go back to My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta and The Widower Danny Gokey sitting on the Couch of Safety. The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, Matty G and The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert all stand backstage, awaiting the news. Next up, fast forwarding through Taylor Hicks! The Lovely Steph Leann and I both agree that he still sounds pretty good, though I'll admit, he was not my next American Idol, that belonged to My Previous Next American Idol Katharine McPhee. I've had McPheever for years.
She's no Pickles... but she's still awesome!
The three remaining Idols come out, and Seacrest sends someone back to safety... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen gets the reprieve, and The Lovely Steph Leann shrieks!
Now, its important for me to mention this... when I stood in my circle of Godly Mamas (and Mark Warner, husband of Cindy Jo) I made this prediction...
"The Widower Danny Gokey OR The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert will be kicked off. One will make the finals, one will get booted in a shocking episode, a la Daughtry". Just making sure I mentioned this, before we see what might be a huge Bottom Two results...
I still think Matty G goes home. And over The Lovely Steph Leann's protests, as she's raising the roof and getting funk-nunky with her bad self (hellz yeah!), I forward through Jamie Foxx. (she says, "I have no idea what he's saying"). After his performance, Seacrest says, "No question this is the number one song in America!" and I can respond with, "Yeah, I'm sure I have lots of questions as to why this is the number one song in America."
And now, finally, the dramatic final moments of the results show. Seacrest stretches it out a little farther, talking to Simon the Cowell, Paula the Flake, Randy the Dawg and Kara the New Hotness.
Dim the lights! Here we go! Matty G goes home, The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert sashays back to The Couch of Safety. A little surprising at the make up of the bottom two, but no surprise as to who goes home.
Next week, we lose My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, then The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert, and we see The Widower Danny Gokey beat out The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen for the Idol Title, and go on to make a subpar record that no one I know will buy.
The Complete Rat Package... Idol goes Standard
Tonight... another night... another night of music... another night of dreams... another night of dreams broken... another night of song... another night of The Ambiguously Gay Screeching... what is this, you say? Its a talent show. Its an entertainment show. Its a variety show. Its a competition. What is this?
THIS
IS
AMERICAN
IDOL
Two phone numbers for each contestant, now that they are down to only five. Our judges, Randy the Diggity Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell are sitting front and center, and Ryan the Seacrest introduces the theme... Standards from the Rat Pack era. Dean, Sammy, Tha Chairman... and those other guys that no one can remember... the mystery mentor this week? Kris Allen says, "The theme is Rat Pack... and all those people are... dead...?"
Jamie Foxx, an emblem of the 1960s standards and Rat Pack era music (I say this in all sarcasm), is the mentor. Personally, I think he was awesome in "Collateral".
Up first is The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. She is bummed by the fact that our friend, KT, doesn't like him. KT didn't like My Last Next American Idol Brooke White either, so pooh on her.
I don't care what you say, KT... I loved My Last Next American Idol Brooke White. Her new single, "Hold Up My Heart", is pretty terrible, though.
He's taking on "The Way You Look Tonight", which I personally dig Frank's version of it. Tony Bennett's version is a little too slow for me, though I think Kris will emulate that version. Not that that is a bad thing.
Its a song from the film "Swing Time", and actually won the Academy Award for best song that year.
The Lovely Steph Leann is a currently a puddle on the couch. Jamie Foxx says that if things don't work out, "you and I can definately do something together, man." Not a bad compliment at all.
And the version kicks up a little in tempo... well done, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, well done.
Randy the Dawg says he is looking to see who's in it to win it... "Dude. I personally think this is your best performance to date." Kara the New Hotness says, "You have set the technical standard so high for this evening." I tell The Lovely Steph Leann that I thought it was good, and she just smiles. If that were Colin Firth singing the same song in the same way, I think The Lovely Steph Leann might have been kissing the screen, a la 1988 Kirk Cameron.
Paula the Flake babbles. Simon the Cowell says, "It was a little bit wet." What does that even mean? He says that he's not sure that The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen can even win this competition. The producers are wondering now... should they continue their course of The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Gokenator... or should they throw in an underdog? Hmm...
Speaking of Next... here comes My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, who has just turned 17! She's a year away from legality! I kid, I kid... if I was into jailbait, I'd be all about Emma Watson. Not that I am. Moving on.
Jamie Foxx is actually not a bad mentor... what he is telling the Idols makes pretty good sense. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is singing "Someone to Watch Over Me." It's a song from 1926, a Gershwin tune from the musical "Oh, Kay!". This song was done masterfully in Idol Season Five by My Girl McPhee, who went on to be Vice-Idol with Taylor Hicks. Not a great season of Idol, aside from McPheever... and Pickles!
Yay! I love Pickles!
By the way, My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta was awesome. Randy the Dawg says, "You look like Britney Murphy, looking dope, you sing like P!nk, only with 9,000 more octives!" Kara the New Hotness loves her too. Paula the Flake uses the words "Alluring" and "Tender". Simon the Cowell asks My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta if she thinks she can win. Simon the Cowell doesn't think she feels like she can win, and has a sinking feeling she might be in trouble.
Matty G says he's all stoked about this week, saying he loves the jazz part of it all. He's singing "My Funny Valentine". Jamie Foxx gives Matty G lots of love and props... something tells me he's going to drool over The Goke and The AGAL...
Did you know this song is from a 1937 musical called "Babes in Arms", and has appeared on over 1300 albums by over 600 artists?
I liked the song, though it wasn't as good as the first two. Randy the Dawg agrees. Kara the New Hotness agrees. Paula the Flake blubbers and drools on herself. Simon the Cowell disagrees with Randy the Dawg, and says it was "the only believable, authentic song I've heard tonight. I thought you were brilliant."
Up next is The Widower Danny Gokey (which, of course leaves The Pimp Slot for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert) and he's singing "Come Rain or Come Shine". Its a song that was from the 1946 music "St. Louis Women", but like many of tonight's songs, the tune has long outlived the musical from which it came.
This song was also done by Kat McPhee back in Idol Season Five.
Trombone assisted, The Goke starts. Emmy Turnbow is sitting next to Cindy Jo Warner on the Goke-Wagon, and agrees with The Lovely Steph Leann that he looks much like Robert Downey Junior. Robert Downey Jr Junior, if you will.
And The Goke tosses out a pretty good song... The Lovely Steph Leann says, "For me, for him, that was the best I've ever heard him do. Ever." I would agree that it was pretty good...
Randy the Dawg says that The Goke could have an album with songs like this tonight... Kara the New Hotness commends "The Rat Pack Swagga..." and Paula the Flake says "Stellar." Simon the Cowell says it was great.
New show called "Glee" on Fox. The Lovely Steph Leann is so hyped about this show.
Mentioned Jamie Foxx earlier, being in the Michael Mann movie "Collateral." Excellent film. Tom Cruise as a bad guy, frickin' awesome. This video is probably Emmy Turnbow Safe, which means its NSFW, probably because of language... it is Rated R, but not for boobies (I don't remember any) but just for language and lots and lots of dead people.
And finally, its The Ambiguously Screechy Adam Lambert in the Pimp Slot. He's taking on "Feelin' Good", and he's already screeching in rehearsals with Jamie Foxx. Its actually from a 1965 musical called, "The Roar of the Greasepaint--the Smell of the Crowd", but its mostly known from Nina Simone's definitive version of the song. One of my 100 favorite songs of all time, just so you know.
Here comes the screech... wait for it... wait for it... and... bingo. We have screechage. This guy is a chump. The Gay Chris Isaak smiles, and the judges are speechless.
Randy the Dawg says it was a bit dramatic... but loved it anyway. Kara the New Hotness uses about 58 adjectives for him. Paula pees herself. Simon the Cowell loved it as well.
My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... The Widower Danny Gokey... Matty G... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert
Here's Nina's version, complete with the scatting at the end. Masterful. Turn it up. Enjoy.
THIS
IS
AMERICAN
IDOL
Two phone numbers for each contestant, now that they are down to only five. Our judges, Randy the Diggity Dawg, Kara the New Hotness, Paula the Flake and Simon the Cowell are sitting front and center, and Ryan the Seacrest introduces the theme... Standards from the Rat Pack era. Dean, Sammy, Tha Chairman... and those other guys that no one can remember... the mystery mentor this week? Kris Allen says, "The theme is Rat Pack... and all those people are... dead...?"
Jamie Foxx, an emblem of the 1960s standards and Rat Pack era music (I say this in all sarcasm), is the mentor. Personally, I think he was awesome in "Collateral".
Up first is The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen. She is bummed by the fact that our friend, KT, doesn't like him. KT didn't like My Last Next American Idol Brooke White either, so pooh on her.
I don't care what you say, KT... I loved My Last Next American Idol Brooke White. Her new single, "Hold Up My Heart", is pretty terrible, though.
He's taking on "The Way You Look Tonight", which I personally dig Frank's version of it. Tony Bennett's version is a little too slow for me, though I think Kris will emulate that version. Not that that is a bad thing.
Its a song from the film "Swing Time", and actually won the Academy Award for best song that year.
The Lovely Steph Leann is a currently a puddle on the couch. Jamie Foxx says that if things don't work out, "you and I can definately do something together, man." Not a bad compliment at all.
And the version kicks up a little in tempo... well done, The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen, well done.
Randy the Dawg says he is looking to see who's in it to win it... "Dude. I personally think this is your best performance to date." Kara the New Hotness says, "You have set the technical standard so high for this evening." I tell The Lovely Steph Leann that I thought it was good, and she just smiles. If that were Colin Firth singing the same song in the same way, I think The Lovely Steph Leann might have been kissing the screen, a la 1988 Kirk Cameron.
Paula the Flake babbles. Simon the Cowell says, "It was a little bit wet." What does that even mean? He says that he's not sure that The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen can even win this competition. The producers are wondering now... should they continue their course of The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert and The Gokenator... or should they throw in an underdog? Hmm...
Speaking of Next... here comes My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta, who has just turned 17! She's a year away from legality! I kid, I kid... if I was into jailbait, I'd be all about Emma Watson. Not that I am. Moving on.
Jamie Foxx is actually not a bad mentor... what he is telling the Idols makes pretty good sense. My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta is singing "Someone to Watch Over Me." It's a song from 1926, a Gershwin tune from the musical "Oh, Kay!". This song was done masterfully in Idol Season Five by My Girl McPhee, who went on to be Vice-Idol with Taylor Hicks. Not a great season of Idol, aside from McPheever... and Pickles!
Yay! I love Pickles!
By the way, My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta was awesome. Randy the Dawg says, "You look like Britney Murphy, looking dope, you sing like P!nk, only with 9,000 more octives!" Kara the New Hotness loves her too. Paula the Flake uses the words "Alluring" and "Tender". Simon the Cowell asks My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta if she thinks she can win. Simon the Cowell doesn't think she feels like she can win, and has a sinking feeling she might be in trouble.
Matty G says he's all stoked about this week, saying he loves the jazz part of it all. He's singing "My Funny Valentine". Jamie Foxx gives Matty G lots of love and props... something tells me he's going to drool over The Goke and The AGAL...
Did you know this song is from a 1937 musical called "Babes in Arms", and has appeared on over 1300 albums by over 600 artists?
I liked the song, though it wasn't as good as the first two. Randy the Dawg agrees. Kara the New Hotness agrees. Paula the Flake blubbers and drools on herself. Simon the Cowell disagrees with Randy the Dawg, and says it was "the only believable, authentic song I've heard tonight. I thought you were brilliant."
Up next is The Widower Danny Gokey (which, of course leaves The Pimp Slot for The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert) and he's singing "Come Rain or Come Shine". Its a song that was from the 1946 music "St. Louis Women", but like many of tonight's songs, the tune has long outlived the musical from which it came.
This song was also done by Kat McPhee back in Idol Season Five.
Trombone assisted, The Goke starts. Emmy Turnbow is sitting next to Cindy Jo Warner on the Goke-Wagon, and agrees with The Lovely Steph Leann that he looks much like Robert Downey Junior. Robert Downey Jr Junior, if you will.
And The Goke tosses out a pretty good song... The Lovely Steph Leann says, "For me, for him, that was the best I've ever heard him do. Ever." I would agree that it was pretty good...
Randy the Dawg says that The Goke could have an album with songs like this tonight... Kara the New Hotness commends "The Rat Pack Swagga..." and Paula the Flake says "Stellar." Simon the Cowell says it was great.
New show called "Glee" on Fox. The Lovely Steph Leann is so hyped about this show.
Mentioned Jamie Foxx earlier, being in the Michael Mann movie "Collateral." Excellent film. Tom Cruise as a bad guy, frickin' awesome. This video is probably Emmy Turnbow Safe, which means its NSFW, probably because of language... it is Rated R, but not for boobies (I don't remember any) but just for language and lots and lots of dead people.
And finally, its The Ambiguously Screechy Adam Lambert in the Pimp Slot. He's taking on "Feelin' Good", and he's already screeching in rehearsals with Jamie Foxx. Its actually from a 1965 musical called, "The Roar of the Greasepaint--the Smell of the Crowd", but its mostly known from Nina Simone's definitive version of the song. One of my 100 favorite songs of all time, just so you know.
Here comes the screech... wait for it... wait for it... and... bingo. We have screechage. This guy is a chump. The Gay Chris Isaak smiles, and the judges are speechless.
Randy the Dawg says it was a bit dramatic... but loved it anyway. Kara the New Hotness uses about 58 adjectives for him. Paula pees herself. Simon the Cowell loved it as well.
My Next American Idol Allison Iraheta... The Lovely Steph Leann's Next American Idol Kris Allen... The Widower Danny Gokey... Matty G... The Ambiguously Gay Adam Lambert
Here's Nina's version, complete with the scatting at the end. Masterful. Turn it up. Enjoy.