71. It’s easy to pretend that everything is OK, that it’s all going to work out and no one is going to get hurt. But it’s more fun to pretend that you have a billion dollars and your girlfriend is Scarlett Johansson.
72. When a woman is selecting the proper bathing suit, she should keep in mind what looks best on her body type, what colors work well with her skin, and what kind of soaps and lotions she plans to use when she bathes in it.
73. Here’s some free advice.
74. “Arugula? Who would name their daughter ‘Arugula’? That’s ridiculous, Shane. Give a girl a name like that and you might as well sign her up for vegan trapeze artist singing telegram delivery school right now.”
75. In Uruguay, it is customary for the bride’s family to throw a lavish feast a fortnight before the wedding. This is so people can remember what a fortnight is.
76. Different cultures have different standards of beauty. For example, the Lychee tribes of the Cha’a desert only consider a man beautiful if his right pectoral muscle is at least 30% larger than his left. The Zhuk people of Kyrgyzstan consider their daughters unsuitable for marriage without a velvety coat of fine golden down on their earlobes. And of course in our culture no woman would think of dating a man with lower Scrabble scores than her own.
77. I think it’s great that we now have drugs for men who can’t get it up. But this begs the question: why can’t we also have drugs for men who can’t keep it down? A little blue pill to help them keep it in their pants and off the Internet. You know, something like Coldshowerex or Limpitol. Get on with it, science!
78. Legends tell of a man who defeated thirty giants in an hour, using only a loaf of bread, a wedge of cheese, and an H-bomb. That man is now wanted for crimes against humanity.
79. If you keep your wits about you, you still need to wear clothes. I mean, come on.
80. I tried to tell you, Mom, I really did. But then that giant chicken came and ate Dad, and the transmission went out on the Chevy, and a volcano erupted in my corn field, and those nomads kidnapped my wife, and Superman called me a “stupid worthless fucking jerkwad” in front of the whole country, and I got Legionnaire’s disease and appendicitis, and someone taught me how to play Uno only they didn’t do it right so I thought you got free parking if you sunk the destroyer - you know how stuff happens. It’s just life.
Uruguay – Colonia de Sacramento Image by elrentaplats www.rutabaobab.com/2010/04/uruguay-colonia-de-sacramento/
Mariposa canaria… on Flickr.
butterfly!