I’ve never really done this before, but here it goes. My name is Georgia, I’m fifteen and I suffer from depression. About two years ago, I started to cut myself. My thighs, my hips, my wrists.. anywhere just to make the pain go away. But it never did. Every day, I’m getting better.. Slowly.. but I’m getting better.
To tell you how I got depression.. Well I don’t know exactly, how. There were a lot of things that could of contributed, but I’m not entirely sure how I ended up like this, considering most of my ‘reasons’ were very normal, day to day things. Maybe I’m just an emotional person? Maybe not.
There was this guy. Yeah. I know.. pathetic, isn’t it? I loved this boy. With all of my heart. We weren’t dating, although he claimed to ‘like’ me.. Even after he slept with my best friend and dated all of my other friends. It hurt.. He was one of those guys who would practically date the entire grade. But he never ‘got around’ to dating me. I think that’s where I started to think that I wasn’t good enough.
Then there’s my family. Don’t get me wrong.. My family isn’t broken. My parents aren’t divorced, I don’t have any step siblings or anything like that. My parents brought me into this world.. I’m grateful for that. Although I’m not entirely sure that they’re happy that I came into this world. I have two other brothers, one older, one younger. “I love you” my mother would say to my younger brother. “I love you too mum.” Sometimes I wish.. that she’d tell me.. for the first time in my life.. that she’d say ‘I love you’ to me..
Maybe I just over react.. maybe I’m not worthy of being loved. Or maybe I am, and just push EVERY one away that tries to love me. Particularly this one guy, that’d I’d been dating for two years that I just.. pushed away because of one stupid little comment. Trust me. Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life.
I’m not complaining. I love life. I think it is beautiful, and I thank God for bringing me into this life, in Australia, where I am grateful for not living in poverty or anything like that. I don’t have it as bad as other kids, either. I just wanted.. to get this off my chest. I don’t know why, but this just all .. came out. And although this is only a portion of my story.. I will get through this.
Up until last night, it had been forty one days since I last cut. You may think “That’s only just over one month.. that’s not THAT long.” But for me, the girl who used to sit in the back of her science class, cutting herself EVERY DAY.. it is a long time.. for me. I’m getting stronger every day. I will come out the other side and one day I will genuinely be happy. But until then, I love all of you. If I could just help one person, that will be one more day, without cutting. Help me, help you.. Because trust me.. once you start cutting.. it’s fucking hard to ever stop.
Listen to me, okay? No matter how worthless, or disgusting you may feel. Every single one of you is beautiful. No matter what.
after sex, hide his pants. funniest thing watching him run round nudey looking for his pants, just make sure you’re fully dressed first so that he can’t hide your clothes
Jekyll Island Sunrise by MaryleeUSA on Flickr.
Jekyll Island, Georgia, USA
Self Exploration.
Self Acceptance.
Vulnerable.
Beauty.
I think I should spruce up my ‘model mayhem’ account and look for models in my area.
Today good friend Letizia Gambini released her long awaited documentary on on youth media and democracy in Armenia, Georgia and Azerbaijan, ‘The Caucasus Triangle’, for public viewing.
A few weeks ago I was privy to see a preview of the documentary with the director herself and was vastly impressed. I’ve already now watched it a handful more times.
The documentary was realised with the support of the European Youth Foundation of the Council of Europe and the European Youth Forum and is now available to watch / share / comment online.
For more background info on The Caucasus Triangle, head on over to Letizia’s (non Tumblr) blog to read about all the highs and lows facing a modern documentarian!
Bryon McDonald