61. A punch in the knee beats three in the crotch.
62. The best allergy medicine is that stuff that cures all allergies forever. But you can’t get it in America, because Big Sniffle wants you to keep buying Kleenexes. That’s just how capitalism works.
63. There are more chemicals in one gram of UltraChem than in six gallons of water.
64. I think we could resolve all the questions about who Shakespeare was and if he really wrote all those plays by just asking him. Why keep drawing it out? We’re not Belgians.
65. In Uruguay, it is impossible to pass on the left. Something about the laws of physics or Catholicism.
66. I bet you a dollar that Edgar Allan Poe never seduced one of the Baltimore Orioles. Oh, he wanted to, but no way he ever did. Not with those hips.
67. I broke a mirror once. But I have a good attorney who negotiated it down to six and a half years’ bad luck. He’s worth that $35k retainer I pay every year.
68. It’s okay to fantasize about celebrities. Oh, the things I imagine I’ve done with starlets and models and singers! But it’s not okay to tell them about it, not in front of their real-life partners. You don’t want to give those jerks any fresh ideas.
69. Pain is just your body’s way of telling you “this sucks”.
70. If you really want to annoy the President, tell him you have a way to end war and suffering but you won’t tell him unless he tickles you.